Nearness

For years I have craved a relationship.  I have wanted a husband more than anything.  I always thought that this would fulfill me.  Thankfully God has been working on that part of me for a while now and I am finally to a point where I would like a husband and no I don’t want to be alone, but I know that He will not fulfill me or make me complete.  When talking to God about this subject I would always cry out to Him and ask why He couldn’t just be enough.  And I never got an answer, but I did have an interesting experience today.

Here in the Portland area I have a few friends who have found their current husbands, or possible to be husbands on EHarmony.  So with this new change in my life I have been praying to see if that is the route god wants me to take.  As I was walking today and talking to God about this I came to the realization that I just want to be with God right now.  All I want for this next month is to lean into the arms of the Father and rest in His warm embrace. 

This past year and a half I have been carried by Him but some how this is different.  I won’t be in His arms because I can not go it alone.  Instead I want to be in His arms just to feel the nearness of the King of Kings and to learn more about Him.  Cause in the end that is all that really matters.  I am sure in a month or so I will be ready to start dating, but now I am going to pursue the lover of my soul!

He is Good

It always amazes me how hard change is.  You think after so much change in my life it would get easier after a while.  The only thing that changes is the amount of control I take away from God before He gently pries it back out of my hands.  Each time I hold onto that control a little less time than the time before.  But trust me this isn’t my own strength or will.  It just seems God brings people into my life who I listen to more readily than I did before.

Like today, I called my friend Victoria and invited myself to her place for lunch.  I was just wanting to chat and hang out, I hadn’t seen her in weeks.  But the minute I walked in she began to pull the truth out of me and within minutes I was in a  puddle of tears.  It amazed me how easily she pegged how I was feeling.  Useless, as a woman who isn’t a wife and will no longer be in ministry.  Lonely that I am 34 and still longing for that mate to spend this life with.  Feeling lost in a role as a woman dependant on a truly trustworthy God.  As God used her to pull each brick out of my emotional wall, I felt the facade I had been living behind crumble.  I am a woman who desperately longs to be married.  Not for the reasons I used to, but merely for a partner, a man to tell me I am beautiful, and someone to share this journey with.  I truly don’t want my own children, and I sound selfish saying that.  But I would rather spend my life ministering to the children who are lost longing for someone to see them.  I just don’t want to do it alone.  So today was the first day I got on my knees and was real with God about my desire for a husband.  It is real, and it is not something I can pretend is merely a want.  It is a need and a desire that God has placed in me and I must trust Him to fulfill that need or take it away.  Until then, I must trust His plan for my life for He is ALWAYS good.

Why oh Why

I have just been down lately.  No particular reason, but lots of little reasons and niches for Satan to move into.  I am leaving a position that has consumed me for the past year and a half and has become my  heart.  I don’t know who I am outside of this house, what I like to do when not consumed by drama.  I may just sit and stare at the walls for weeks unaware and unable to move.  I am afraid I wont take advantage of the time God is giving me to grow closer to Him and just enjoy life for a while.  I sit in the waiting room watching the TV play its endless real hoping that who ever has the remote would just pick a channel.  Just one thought one direction would be nice.  Or would it. 

Then there is the issue of friendships between men and women.  One wrong word and it all dissolves and I seem to have lost the counsel of a good friend.  Why can you not express to someone how special they are without them taking it the wrong way, did he take it the wrong way or am I just being silly.  Who knows, communication has come to a standstill.  Truth be told I had a small crush on this man, but his friendship and the way he looks at things means more to me than a simple attraction.  If only we could just be upfront about it.  You don’t like me that way, cool, I still value your friendship, and seek the Godly counsel that you bring into my life.

Then there is all the chaos around me, new house parents, new girls, new rules, unbelievably dirty kitchen.  No wonder I am emotionally shut down.  What drives me the most insane about myself is the way I deal with it.  Instead of sitting down and writing or talking to God, I eat a bag full of cookies, or a bag of popcorn.  There is not food in particular that I crave, just not healthy and lots of it.  Then I feel disgusting for days as the work outs I put in do know good cause I sabotage myself at home.  But I refuse to give, I refuse to become a victim to my emotions.  So I will turn to God and beg of Him to remove this old pattern and replace it with new.  Help me to process these STUPID emotions He gave me and not eat my way into oblivion!

On a completely different note, here is a picture of the new house mom Cindy and my new friend Penny!

Penny is one of the highlights of my day!  It is so much fun having a dog in the house again!