Life

My weight pushes down

sand squishes between my toes.

Footprint after Footprint

Gone before I can turn my head

My weight pushes down

Life squishes around me

Moment after moment

Gone before I can turn my head.

The Birth of Spring

Old man winter’s breath escapes his lungs,

A futile attempt to fight back the waiting spring.

The lady of Spring lies expectantly in her grave,

Waiting for her moment to shine.

In a moment winter looses its grasp and she explodes forth putting to rest his cold hard reign.

She sways her hips in a victory dance and the song of life sweetly pass forth from her lips.

Nature responds to her call splashing colors as far as the eye can see.

For a brief moment no one remembers that her reign to must end.

That all too familiar ache

I sat in the Portland terminal  and realized it was Easter weekend.  Within moments I was thinking back to the same weekend 6 years ago. 

April of 2006 I boarded a flight to Portland for my first ever mission trip.  Four days later I sat in the same terminal wrestling with God.  The Northwest had stolen my heart and I was confused by my feelings.  How could a good God take me away from my friends and support in Texas.  But that heart thievery led me to take a leap of faith that I was little prepared for but crazy enough to take. 

2 years after that thievery I stuffed most my belongings in a 6 x 8 moving pod and the rest in my car.  I started a road trip with a wonderful friend that ended with a life that was better than I ever imagined.  At the time though, I had no job and only a couch to crash on for a few weeks.  Some have told me that was faith.  Now I just wonder if i was stupid enough to not think about the consequences.

I boarded the plane this past weekend in Portland and soon landed in Denver.  The last time I was in this airport I was heading home from an interview with a mission organization.  Of course I had run into trouble at check in, and soon found myself stuck in the long security lines.  I waited and battled the sense of fear that overwhelmed.  However, I continued to feel that peace, knowing full well that God was with me. I made bargains with God praying that His will was for me to make this flight.  But alas as I ran for the gate I watched as they closed the door and my flight left without me.  Tears streamed down my face as I screamed at the attendant and at God.  I stewed with anger at God for the hours I was stuck at the airport.  I knew He had been with me, how could He let me miss my flight (apparently it was His fault I was an idiot and tried to check in with the wrong airline). By the time the next flight took off though I had learned that when you walk with God there are no guarantees

As I continued to Kansas and through the weekend the memories continued to flood my heart.  As an unwilling prodigal son returning to my roots I went kicking and screaming down memory lane.  For years I have run from my family and chosen to only remember the pain.  This weekend I found the joy that is in my family.  My family is messy and brings pain to me on a regular basis.  However, I learned that there is a hole in my heart that only my family can fill.  In fact, the hole I have begged God to fill repeatedly is the same hole they fill.  And my heart has been stolen by a pair of eyes that mirror my own and a smile that melts my heart.

As I settle into my routine here in Portland I am asking God what all this means and I begin the all too familiar wrestle with him.  I am not sure I have it in me to take this step, but I know that regardless what happens He will be by my side.