Had somewhat of a traumatic experience on the bus today. But I refuse to not praise God and how He carried me through. So first here are some small praises for Him and Him alone.
He protected by saying “here and no further”.
He comforted me with His words and whispered to my heart.
He wrapped me in His arms and carried me home, regardless of how hard each step was.
He provided an amazing support system in my two roommates to walk me out of the storm.
He proved once again He is trustworthy, has always protected me and He always will.
Now that you are on the edge of your seat, let me first say,I just had my personal space violated, thankfully that was it. However, it doesn’t change the fact that I felt trapped, terrified and taken back over 10 years.
As I got on the bus tonight (I have started taking public transit, the bike is too hard on my back), I felt the Spirit urge me to sit on the seat next to the window. So I obliged trusting that small voice and gave up the safe seat on the aisle.
As I sat reading through Facebook status on my phone this burly beast of a man mumbled something and sat down in the seat next to me. No big deal, until he made sure to sit close enough that our legs were touching and almost our shoulders. I felt myself shrink away and try to make the metal outside of the bus stretch.
I glanced at a friends Facebook status and found that verse staring at me. You know that one that is always there when you need it the most, hiding on a wall, or sitting in the bookstore window. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, plans to give you a future and a hope” Jer 29:11. It was then I recognized the fear that seemed to paralyze me in my seat. I whispered my first prayer to Him and I heard that still small voice remind me that a spirit of fear does not come from the Lord.
To make matters worse, the man had an odor about him that took me back to my marriage. It is the smell of a person who consumes so much alcohol that they no longer sweat water. Instead, alcohol leaks out of their every pore, drunk or sober. This is the smell that permeated my life with my ex-husband. He smelled of it, his mom smelled of it and so did his dad.
I continued to pray trying to hide in the peace and finding it a struggle. I began to feel light headed from not taking a full breathe in five minutes. Finally he reached over me and pulled the stop line, and exited the bus.
I slumped into my seat, and continued to scroll through Facebook as if nothing had just happened. Unwilling to face it I crawled to the max, feeling violated and terrified of every person near. Still refusing to admit my feelings, I tried to concentrate on my phone and could hardly bring it into focus. I even called a friend and refused to admit how traumatized I felt. Instead I told her that I didn’t know how I felt about a minor happening on the max and just needed to process. When in fact I wanted to run all the way home jump in the shower and scrub until that feeling went away. Wait isn’t that how rape victims feel, not me, he didn’t touch me.
As I walked though I made a choice to not run and I let the tears begin to flow. I talked to God, got angry with God and continued to cry. When I reached my apartment I snuck in the door and silently crept into my room. For ages (well it felt like it) I wept on my bed praying they would hear me, hoping I wouldn’t have to ask for help. Finally I left my room and my roommates engulfed me in their love, talked me through my emotions, and validated how I felt.
In the end, it was only a minor thing, that showed me a lot of big things about who I am, and who I am in Christ. I didn’t run! I didn’t shut down! And God walked with me through the whole thing!
Praise the King of Kings, I am a new creation in Him and He will carry me through all!
