The chains of fear

Sunday morning I snapped under the weight of my fear.  I broke down at the foot of the cross and admitted to God what He already ken.  My fear, the wound harbored in my soul, is the fear of being unprotected. 

When I was young I didn’t know what protection was, I didn’t understand what I was walking away from when I walked away from God.  All this time I have looked towards men around me hoping they would protect me.  Time and time again that arrow would pierce my heart at the humanness of men.  Tonight I stood before God with the arrow of fear at my throat.  I looked into His eyes and saw everything I ever longed for.  He beckoned me to step out of the chains in into His protection.  I leapt, refusing to be bound by these chains any more, by the mind games that lie to me about what I need. 

I expected to feel the arrow pierce my soul, but instead it snapped!  I landed in His arms and felt the full embrace of my true Strong Tower.

Where does it stop?

Several weeks ago I read an article where a former victim of sex trafficking personally asked the NFL and the Super Bowl Host committee to join forces with Traffick911 and their “I’m Not Buying It” campaign.  They never responded.  I haven’t been able to let it go.  I have continually asked God what I should do about it.  Should I not watch the Super bowl in protest?  Or just voice my concerns and bring to light the irony of this.

Every year millions of people watch the super bowl.  Thousands of people are lucky enough to watch it in person.  Thousands have invaded the Dallas Ft. Worth area this week just for the experience of the Super Bowl.  And with that comes the thousand of pimps dragging their sex slaves to make them millions.

I wish I could go back in time and find the moment where our country stopped being the land of the Free and became the land of “well as long as they aren’t hurting me I guess it is ok”.

I am disgusted by the lack of responsibility that the NFL and the Host Committee have voice in their decision to remain silent.  Often all it takes is one voice to start an uproar and one voice to silence it.  As someone somewhere said, “For evil to prosper all it needs is for good people to do nothing”. 

As you watch the Super Bowl today, please take the time, to pray for those who have lost their freedoms.  The ones who can’t say no, or stop the atrocities that happen to them every day.  And pray that we as Christians would begin to hold the world accountable for their actions.

What 35 means to me!

Tomorrow I turn 35!  I am more excited about this birthday than any so far!  It is hard to explain but there is a sense of freedom in my 35th year.  Freedom from goals of the heart, that I really had no control over.

My 25th birthday was the worst birthday of my life.  I had just become a police officer, broken up with my boyfriend and decided to drink my self senseless.  Honestly I don’t even remember the night, just that I was miserable and I wanted it all to go away.  I was devastated that a quarter of my life was gone, I was divorced and hated myself.  That year I started seeing a counselor and realized that I was partly depressed because I had always dreamed I would be married at least by 25.  So she told me to set a more realistic goal. 

So I decided (once again there is that phrase), that in a perfect world I would be married at 30 and have children by 35.  So this summer as the days passed, I began to grow more and more despondent and I didn’t know why.  Then this dawned on me that once again I had not reached my goal.

Here is where the story changes and God shows me what a new creation I am in Him!  I turned to Him in my agony and cried out why am I still alone!?!?  With a smile on his face that stretched from ear to ear, He simply said “isn’t it great!”  I was heartbroken, and whispered, “Lord I thought you loved me?”  With more compassion than my statement deserved, He wrapped me in His arms and whispered, “from here on out, all this is left is My will, yours is no longer in the way”. 

I cried into His arms for a while.  As that comment sank into my heart, the most amazing feeling of freedom and love rushed into the agonies place.  I no longer have to worry about trying to achieve my goals!  The only thing left for me to focus on is His will for my life! 

I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HE DOES!!

The beauty of Death

Today I was enjoying the beauty of the fall color here in the Northwest and was struck by how beautiful death is through the eyes of our creator.  The leaves in reality are dying therefore they are changing colors.  However, the display of their beauty as they die is somewhat surreal.  We see the same thing in the reality of a butterfly, a sunset or even a storm.  Something must die for life to continue.  For a tree to keep growing, each season it must die.  If it dies in the fall then goes dormant for winter, so that it grows in the spring, then flourishes in the summer.  But it must allow fall to enter its life if it ever wants to see spring again.  The same with a caterpillar, it must allow itself to become nothing to be reborn as a butterfly.  Or the sunset, must happen in order for the sun to rise the next day.  I could go on and on.  Then something else happened…

I listened to  a sermon today about the ‘meantime”, and what it is we are to do in the meantime. http://www.lifechurch.tv/watch/planted 

Stay with me here, the two stories tie together!  His point was that in the Christian life we have a tendency to focus on where we are going or where we have come from.  But what do we do in the meantime, that time in between while we wait for God to work.  The pastor referenced Matthew 8, using the story where Jesus calms the storm and how the disciples in the boat knew that they had been called by the Messiah.  They knew where they were coming from (the shore) and they knew where they were going(the other side).  However, they were in the ‘meantime’ stuck in a boat in the midst of a storm feeling as if death was imminent.  But they forgot who Christ was and that His will, WILL be done.  Not might be done.  God is God and His will, WILL be done.  Often we forget this, and in the midst of the storm, instead of clinging to what we KNOW to be true, we turn and want to head back to where we came from.  But as the pastor put it, Christ often wants us to learn to stay in the boat.  We must be willing to step out of the boat for sure and even walk on water when He calls.  But what happened to Peter when He forgot who Christ was, He began to sink. 

Now how does the ‘meantime’ tie in with fall colors and the sunset.  Often during our dying periods, or when we are walking through the darkness, we forget who we are.  Or at least I do.  I forget that I am a new creation in Christ, indwelled with the power of the Spirit.  That I speak with the power of the Spirit and can call on Him whenever!  Yet I so often return to who I was.  Not acting the way I did, but living in fear of that person.  That girl who was enslaved by things of the world instead of in voluntary servitude to Christ.  Also, while in this phase, we forget where God has called us to, the path He sends us on takes more of a pleasure tour of the lake, then a direct shot across.  That is what I see now.  A few months ago, I felt God light a passion in my heart that is smoldering still today.  Yet, when i tried to go without Him I fell flat on my face.  Yet He is shifting my path in a different direction than I thought it would go.  So now the doubts set in.  Am I hearing Him right, did I misunderstand that call on my heart, what was Him, what was me…I could go on for hours.  But the truth remains that I do not have the answers to these questions.  And all I can do, is crawl back to the foot of the cross, spend time in His presence and wait for Him to move.

Oh the beauty of dying to yourself, to be fully reborn as a child of the King of Kings (a Princess, dressed in heavenly robes). :)

What does it mean to deny yourself?

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters-yes, even his own life-he cannot be my disciple.  And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.”  Luke 14:26-27

I have never felt the truth of this scripture more readily than I do now.  As I walked into Westport today, my relationship with my biological family was on my mind.  I constantly struggle with how disconnected I am from them.  I love them, I think of them and I pray for them often.  But, I do not miss them.  Sometimes my heart aches for them, but never with the feeling of homesickness.  As hard as this is to admit, it is this that makes me able to move across the country to follow Christ. 

As I wondered into my church this morning, I realized that they had become my family.  These people who make up Westport church are family.  It is this place, that I found safety, that I first truly felt love, found the home I always longed for, the launching pad or base so to speak.  The one place on this earth that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I am loved unconditionally.  It is in this moment, that I realized this family will be harder to walk away from. 

Granted, I may see them again, this side of heaven, I may not.  As God did with one of my friends in Texas, He may take one of them before I come back.  In this mindset, each moment becomes more precious, as has every contact with my biological family.  The joy of my nieces smile, the scream of “Angela” as one of my girls sees me and runs for a hug.  Each laugh, each tear becomes more precious.

Where God is leading me I do not know, but the possibilities are endless, because I can do not but chase after Christ, the one and only true lover of my soul.  My only satisfaction in all that I do.  Chasing after Christ is hard, this is why Jesus warns us to count the cost before we say we will follow Him(Luke 14:25-35).  The cost is great what He calls us to.  To walk away from everything that we hold dear because He is more.  More than I could ever want. 

The biggest lesson I have learned in my time in Oregon, is if you truly want God’s best in your life, you will be called to give up something good.  Deny yourself something that is right and just and wonderful but is only God’s good.  But for God to love us with all He is, we have to let go of everything that ties us to this land. 

Above all, the cry of my heart is “May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.” Psalm 33:22.  With that in mind, I let go…

What fear is this?

I feel as if fear is eating away at my soul.  Regardless of the truth I know and continually state, there is a piece of my heart that is fearful.  Fear of what?  I am not sure.  I feel God’s presence more than ever, and feel as if each day I learn more about Him and trust Him more.  But each time I return to the foot of the cross and relinquish control, the fear of the unknown seems to grow in my belly.  Even sound advice from good friends, and my pleading with the Lord for help, only seem to help for so long. 

So what has a grip on my heart so deep that I won’t let it go?  I wish I knew so I could let Him heal it, but it seems so close to me that I am unaware that it is even there.  God help me to release this fear to you.  To trust you with all that I am and return to your arms and the joy of your dance.

To the foot of the Cross…

So once again, I feel as if God has called me out on the water and I dove in head first.  And once again, I hear Him whisper “I told you to come to me, not take off swimming”!  For those who have known me long enough, know I have a tendency to jump in head first and hope I swim.  And more often than not, I do pretty good.  But God has taught me a valuable lesson this past week.  That if I want great I MUST seek Him.  In all things all He wants me to do is look to Him.  “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”  Matt 6:33

I find myself at the foot of the cross, clinging to Him.  There are so many unknowns in my life right now and all I hear from Him is wait.  Every once in a while I hear Him whisper, “this way”.  But mostly just that peace that has no explanation.  The great thing is I feel like I am flying and there is no fear in it.  I feel safe in His hand as He guides me.

I bet you are asking, well what did you dive into this thing.  I must admit that I felt God calling me to speak about Human Trafficking and I ran head long into it.  I began to brainstorm all the things that I could do to get the word out and raise money.  I began to tell people these ideas, then that soft whisper again.  I know that God has more He wants me to do, but He has only commanded me to speak.  And I have not been doing that so well.  It is hard to bring up with people, watch them squirm and try to exit the conversation. I mean after all, I don’t want people to start running away when they see me coming. 

 

Back to the foot of the cross I go, to wait for His answer. I pray I hear when He speaks.