The realties of Legacy

How much do I know about the legacy of my family?  Do I recognize the traits that have been passed on from generation to generation?  Does that legacy affect me on a daily basis?  These questions have been swirling around in my brain for several weeks now.  As a result I have concluded that the legacy we receive and the legacy we give is really the essence of who we are.

While in Idaho a few weeks ago my mother shared some wonderful stories about my grandfather and my great grandmother.  Their life was not easy but they had such generous hearts and  a tenacious spirit that battled through anything for the betterment of their family.  As I listened I began to feel like little pieces of me were falling into place.  “so that is why I am so driven and yes quite stubborn?” and “Aww, my grandpa showed love through gifts, just like I do”.  Hearing about who I came from, the line of my ancestors, helped me to understand more of who and why I am.

But I also learned that other character traits not as wonderful had been passed along in this legacy.  In some of my mother’s stories I started to see a certain amount of passivity in my grandfather towards my grandmother.  In his words he “loved my grandmother”, so he continued to let the words of her mouth beat him and his children down.  In essence he choose peace in the relationship over the love of the person.  I am the same way as are my family members, my mother even married a man who was even more passive but without the loving spirit to temper it.  As a result of this legacy, communication in my family is almost non-existent and setting healthy boundaries often results in the loss of relationships. 

Healthy communication is such a key element in any relationship.  Without it, real honesty and trust can not be built.  But with healthy communication also comes truth, speaking it and hearing it about yourself.  Passivity is the easy way, keep your mouth shut in hopes the problem will just disappear and the truth won’t have to be told.  As I write this I laugh out of heart ache in my heart.  The reality of this legacy in my family means we don’t ask the hard questions or really even talk for fear of conflict.  The result of this is an under current of anger and unresolved conflict coursing through my family.  My relationships with my parents and my siblings have been destroyed and are built on mistrust and uncertainty.  And I see the same traits being passed down to my nephews and my niece. 

As I have walked this road of boundaries, setting them (or not when my passive nature takes over), I have found a lot of heartache.  However, I have also found a slow renewal of relationships with my mother and my sister.  I often ponder though, what if my grandfather would have chosen to speak truthful love into his wife instead of choosing what he thought was peace?  What if my mother had been taught how to set healthy boundaries from a young age, would she have tried to escape her home in the arms of my father?  I can get lost in this ‘what if’ all day.  In the end this is the legacy I have received.

The legacy I give though is my choice.  I can choose to navigate the world of boundaries, learning to love people with truth.  I can choose to have the hard conversations with people, often facing their rejection of me and the words I bring.  Through that choice I can change the legacy my children will receive.  I can also hope to continue the wonderful slow process of truth spoken in my family. 

  I am still learning how to navigate the battlefield of boundaries because a relationship built on trust is what I desire to have with my family.  Gratefully, my mother and I have started down this path and we have both wounded one another in the process.  The words don’t always come out, and the truth is not always spoken.  But I feel the foundation of our relationship changing; from one of surface level day to day distractions to a deeper connection built on trust and love.  All I can hope for is the courage to continue down this path.

That same old thorn

Sometimes when I read the bible, I really wish it was a little more emotional.  I know I serve an emotional God, so why does His word seem so factual sometimes.  Last night I stumbled upon Abram’s call to “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you” and Abram’s response was so simple; he went.  He didn’t argue with God about leaving His family.  he didn’t whine ‘why me’, or say ‘why not send someone else’.  He just went.

My heart aches to have that kind of devotion to God, such single minded focus that I would just go.  No questions, no second guessing, no envy of those who haven’t been called, no anger at having been called.  Yes, as ashamed as I am to admit it all those nasty emotions are whirling inside of me right now.  I feel like such a selfish brat lost in the depression of being single, the thorn that constantly ravages my heart.

Never have I been more suited for where I feel God leading me to go.  I have never felt more passionate about what a people group is doing.  But it doesn’t change the reality of my sinful heart.  Deep down inside me I am excited to go, but I just can’t seem to stop focusing on the negative side of things.  My heart longs to be married and I feel as if this is a death sentence to that dream (I know that is silly-but it is how I feel).

Lord may the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you oh God of Jacob.  I long to be free from the chains of this envy, to let go of the anger that covers the fear and disappointment.  I want to once again fly in the freedom of your embrace, to love you with all that I am. 

Transformational Community

India is a place unlike any other.  Regardless of the fact that I have been to very few other countries this fact doesn’t change.  Where else can you see opulence and extreme poverty on the same street corner.  Where else would a society think it is ok for the builders of a million dollar resort town to live in tents in an area with no running water or public services of any kind.  And where else is there a culture that every aspect removes me from my comfort zone!

Yesterday I had an opportunity to visit one of these ‘villages/slums’.  If I ever wonder what drives me to do what I do, all I need to do is look at faces like these.

This 5 or 6 year old girl’s future is to be either a child bride at the age of 12 or 13, or sold into the sex industry.  She would know this from a young age and never have any dreams of her own.  She would be told from the time she was born that she was worthless and could do nothing about her situation.

However, through transformational community, she now has a chance to go to school.  Her mother can learn a trade so that she does not need to borrow money from a loan shark; thereby forgoing the need to sell herself or her children to pay it back.  She and her parents have access to health care and her mother is learning what her rights are and how to stand up for herself and her children.  She has a chance to dream and be a child.  But most importantly she will learn who God is and how much He loves her.

I wish I could give details in this blog about what is going on, but it just isn’t safe.  However, in broad strokes, transformational community is being lived out in India.  Not only are lives being changed, but people are seeing Christ in their lives, and choosing to follow Him in droves!  These choices are not because of what He can give them but for who He is!

Strong Enough

It’s 4:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep, haven’t been able to since about 3.  I dislike times like this when I have decisions to weigh and I get a lot of time alone.  I get stuck in my head and weighed down by my thoughts.  I know I am still suffering from jet lag, but I have had this overwhelming since of loneliness for the last 24 hours. 

I miss my friends and family, the comfort of a place to call home in Oregon.  A place where I belong.  None of that changes the fact that I hear the still soft voice of God calling me to India.  I find myself bargaining with Him…”I’ll come  when you give me someone to come with.”  “Wouldn’t I be more useful as a strong voice in Oregon, than a silent support in India?”  “Why me?” and the list goes on and on.

I have always been the strong type to see the road God wants me to go down and charging down like a bull in a china shop.  But this time, I am paralyzed by fear.  Not the fear of the unknown, but the fear that I am not strong enough to do this.

Truth is, I am not.  The girl inside of me wishes to curl up in a ball and run back to the safety of my home.  But there is something inside of me that won’t let me.  An urging in my spirit that I was made for this, designed with a purpose that has nothing to do with me. Yet I sit here in the dark and I still ask, why me?

Dubai…March something…

In my community group we have been going slowly through the book of Mark.  Due to the amazingly gifted leader that we have, I am learning to look at this book in a new way.  We are only into chapter 3 or 4 but what I have learned overwhelms me.  Our leader has us looking at Jesus words as if we had never heard his name before, what was he trying to say.  Over and over He speaks of the Kingdom of God, and what that really is.

This past Wednesday we reached the parable of the sower.  and for the first time I looked at the full context of this parable amongst the other words that Christ was saying and instead of focusing on the different soils, focused instead on the sower.  What is the seed?  The very word of God, the Gospel, the secret of the Kingdom of God.  Then the next parable he speaks of a light and what would you do with it?  Let it shine of course.  Then the one after that speaks of the growing seed and the farmer sows it, then unbeknownst to him the seed flourishes and produces a harvest. 

So we as Christians have been given the secret of the Kingdom of God…wanna know what it is?  Jesus, pure and simple, He is the Gospel.  No more no less.  What are we to do with this gospel, put it under our bed, hide it from the world?  No we are to let it shine for the world to see.  We are to sow the seeds and leave the spirit work up to the Spirit.

So often I get caught up in the reality that I chase after Christ and I see few people come to Christ.  I do see lives being transformed by what I do and the words He gives me to say.  But lets face it, we all want to see the desperately lost around us see the freedom that is in Christ.  But that goal changes how I act and what I am willing to do.

At Dulles Airport today I had a perfect example of this shown to me.  As waited to board my plane to take me to Dubai I overheard a woman arguing on the phone with someone.  I won’t give you details but I heard the heartache and saw the tears on her face.  I wanted to swoop in and rescue her, but in my thoughts that meant I had to give her my ticket because it sounded like she couldn’t get on our flight.  I felt the spirit urge me to approach her and I flat out refused.  Nope wasn’t gonna do that.  So I quit listening.  Finally the Spirit softened my heart and I agreed to approach her.  I did, asked her if I could help and she said no.  I boarded the plane and felt like a failure. 

After 11 hours of the 12 hour flight I had honestly forgotten about her.  When suddenly she appeared in front of me, held my hand and thanked me for offering to help.  And she did so again as we left the plane.  I was and still am flabbergasted.  Is that all God wanted, I don’t know her story, may never see her again but who knows what her story will be because of that small gesture I made. 

Okay, back to the parable, if we focus on sowing seeds (the small things) and let the spirit till the soil we are portraying and living out the kingdom of God.  But if we only focus on the circumstances where we get to speak His name, instead of be His hands and feet as well, we miss the point and we miss letting our light shine.  For one brief moment I was a conduit between that woman and God.  For a moment it was His hands who touched her, His voice that whispered I see you, I know your pain.  It is His tears I cry now for her pain and her story, as only He knows what that is.

Take my hand.

In early 2005 as I faced the reality of what following Christ meant, I was blessed to write a story that showed me the heart God had for me.  I have clung to that story through many different trials that I have been through. 

As the story ends, I wake from an amazing and restful sleep…

As I sat up I realized I was no longer that frightened little girl. I was a grown woman. I had the strength of a nation and I knew through God I could do anything. I felt whole and brave, confident and secure. I had no worries and I knew all would be taken care of. As I began to step off I whispered “I’m scared”. He said “I know, its okay, take my hand and I will show you the way”.

I have clung to this ending time and time again, when I didn’t feel that I was strong and confident, but I knew if I took His hand He would show me the way. 

Today I feel this journey begins.  I step on the plane tomorrow, physically alone, but covered in prayer from many different nations.  I am confident and secure in who I am as a daughter of God and I can trust in Him to give me the courage I need to be brave.  So as I step on that plane tomorrow, I am sure I will whisper “I am scared”, and I Know that He will be there smiling with His hand offered for support. 

I am so blessed.

Perspective

Over the course of my relationship with God, a reoccurring lesson that I have had to learn is how much perspective can change something. As I have prepared to go to India my perspective has shifted between fear and excitement. I just had a thought though, I get to go on a 12 day date with God and God alone!
Not many people get that chance, a chance to not just spend time with God but walk in His presence every day, my life fully in His hands. In reality though shouldn't we face each day this way? Just something to ponder as I bask in His love...