Can you hear my heart beating?

Today I had an epiphany.  Well maybe not an epiphany, but a light bulb moment any how!  I LOVE words. 

The harmony they sing as they roll off your lips.  The perfect paring that sings to the depths of your soul.  This love of mine has haunted me for years and I keep missing the train.  Stories, ideas, and random thoughts are continuously rattling around in my brain.  In the past, I have even mustered up the courage to write a few down.  But, never have I chosen to pursued this love of mine.  Until today that is.

I was minding my own business reading a friends blog when this one literally fell into my lap, (Click Here), and I swooned.  Knees buckling, heart pounding, speech dissipating swooning.  I don’t swoon!  I might find something interesting, or even get excited for a moment, but I do not swoon. 

But as the words danced on the page to the rhythm of the writers heart, my heart leapt for joy.  As the honesty in the words sunk into my soul my knees began to quiver.  And so it begins, I have fallen in love with writing. 

As I pursue this love of mine I would love your help!  What are some things you always wondered about? (like why does the Pope wear white…ooh I may have to look that up!)  What about questions you have about being a Christian.  Anything goes, leave me a comment, send me an email!  My pen (or at least my keyboard) is poised…

Why

Why do I find it so hard to write.  The words tumble through my brain.  I close my eyes and the onslaught continues.  I wish I just had an off switch or could punch a small hole in my brain and they would stream out onto the paper.

I have started three blogs in the past week and have many more rumbling around in my head. I find time and time again that as I begin to type, the words dissipate like rain in the desert. 

I feel that God has given me a gift of expressing myself in words, yet so often those words don’t come out. 

Why oh why will they just not flow!?!?

The old reborn into new

This week has been a whirl of emotions that fluctuate so rapidly, there is no way I could blog them all.  But the reoccurring theme has been my pride.  In the midst of these emotions, I am finding that anything I am fearful us has to do with my pride.  I have asked God to remove this and in His usual fashion, He is giving me lots of times to practice!

As I was reading “My Utmost for His Highest” by Oswald Chambers this evening, I began to think of the Phoenix (If you want to read it click here: Daily Devotional) .  Yes I am talking about the fictional bird. What a great representation of what Salvation, then Sanctification really is.   The Phoenix grows old, then dies in a ball of flames (or that is how Harry Potter says it happens!)  Then from the ashes (what is left of the old life) a new life is reborn and the cycle starts all over again.  In comparison, when we are brought into salvation with Christ we are also consumed, our old life turned to ashes, and out of that we rise a new creation.  However, unlike the Phoenix, I have a choice in all of this.  When I am reborn out of the ashes I must allow Christ to continually remove the presence of the ashes from my life.  This is what I struggle with letting go who I was to become who I am in Him.  Oswald puts it like this “Am I willing to be "myself," and nothing more - no friends, no father, no brother, no self-interest - simply ready for death?”  And I ask myself…am I?  Am I really willing to give up everything to let God work His way completely in my life? 

I often reply in haste, of course I would, until I stand before Christ and face a decision.  Whether it be a movie I used to like, or simply my fear of the unknown; I often find myself wanting to cling to that instead of letting Him take it away.  In the light of His cross I should forsake the things about me that conform me to the ways of the world.  In so doing Christ can then transform and renew the patterns of my mind.  There is such joy in letting go, but an angst that I can not describe.

How do you?

How do you come to terms with the anger and emotions that flood your soul at the mere sound of your dad’s voice?  How do you forgive and love as Christ loves Him when there is no remorse? 

Over and over I find myself trying to forgive him.   And over and over I that anger clings to me like a wet blanket.

Maybe its the fact that there is no recognition of the effect his actions had on my life.   The sleepless nights living in fear, longing for protection from the daily onslaught of the world.  Knowing that he was the one I feared the worst.

How do you let go of that anger and love the person who made you feel that way?

The realties of Legacy

How much do I know about the legacy of my family?  Do I recognize the traits that have been passed on from generation to generation?  Does that legacy affect me on a daily basis?  These questions have been swirling around in my brain for several weeks now.  As a result I have concluded that the legacy we receive and the legacy we give is really the essence of who we are.

While in Idaho a few weeks ago my mother shared some wonderful stories about my grandfather and my great grandmother.  Their life was not easy but they had such generous hearts and  a tenacious spirit that battled through anything for the betterment of their family.  As I listened I began to feel like little pieces of me were falling into place.  “so that is why I am so driven and yes quite stubborn?” and “Aww, my grandpa showed love through gifts, just like I do”.  Hearing about who I came from, the line of my ancestors, helped me to understand more of who and why I am.

But I also learned that other character traits not as wonderful had been passed along in this legacy.  In some of my mother’s stories I started to see a certain amount of passivity in my grandfather towards my grandmother.  In his words he “loved my grandmother”, so he continued to let the words of her mouth beat him and his children down.  In essence he choose peace in the relationship over the love of the person.  I am the same way as are my family members, my mother even married a man who was even more passive but without the loving spirit to temper it.  As a result of this legacy, communication in my family is almost non-existent and setting healthy boundaries often results in the loss of relationships. 

Healthy communication is such a key element in any relationship.  Without it, real honesty and trust can not be built.  But with healthy communication also comes truth, speaking it and hearing it about yourself.  Passivity is the easy way, keep your mouth shut in hopes the problem will just disappear and the truth won’t have to be told.  As I write this I laugh out of heart ache in my heart.  The reality of this legacy in my family means we don’t ask the hard questions or really even talk for fear of conflict.  The result of this is an under current of anger and unresolved conflict coursing through my family.  My relationships with my parents and my siblings have been destroyed and are built on mistrust and uncertainty.  And I see the same traits being passed down to my nephews and my niece. 

As I have walked this road of boundaries, setting them (or not when my passive nature takes over), I have found a lot of heartache.  However, I have also found a slow renewal of relationships with my mother and my sister.  I often ponder though, what if my grandfather would have chosen to speak truthful love into his wife instead of choosing what he thought was peace?  What if my mother had been taught how to set healthy boundaries from a young age, would she have tried to escape her home in the arms of my father?  I can get lost in this ‘what if’ all day.  In the end this is the legacy I have received.

The legacy I give though is my choice.  I can choose to navigate the world of boundaries, learning to love people with truth.  I can choose to have the hard conversations with people, often facing their rejection of me and the words I bring.  Through that choice I can change the legacy my children will receive.  I can also hope to continue the wonderful slow process of truth spoken in my family. 

  I am still learning how to navigate the battlefield of boundaries because a relationship built on trust is what I desire to have with my family.  Gratefully, my mother and I have started down this path and we have both wounded one another in the process.  The words don’t always come out, and the truth is not always spoken.  But I feel the foundation of our relationship changing; from one of surface level day to day distractions to a deeper connection built on trust and love.  All I can hope for is the courage to continue down this path.

That same old thorn

Sometimes when I read the bible, I really wish it was a little more emotional.  I know I serve an emotional God, so why does His word seem so factual sometimes.  Last night I stumbled upon Abram’s call to “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you” and Abram’s response was so simple; he went.  He didn’t argue with God about leaving His family.  he didn’t whine ‘why me’, or say ‘why not send someone else’.  He just went.

My heart aches to have that kind of devotion to God, such single minded focus that I would just go.  No questions, no second guessing, no envy of those who haven’t been called, no anger at having been called.  Yes, as ashamed as I am to admit it all those nasty emotions are whirling inside of me right now.  I feel like such a selfish brat lost in the depression of being single, the thorn that constantly ravages my heart.

Never have I been more suited for where I feel God leading me to go.  I have never felt more passionate about what a people group is doing.  But it doesn’t change the reality of my sinful heart.  Deep down inside me I am excited to go, but I just can’t seem to stop focusing on the negative side of things.  My heart longs to be married and I feel as if this is a death sentence to that dream (I know that is silly-but it is how I feel).

Lord may the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you oh God of Jacob.  I long to be free from the chains of this envy, to let go of the anger that covers the fear and disappointment.  I want to once again fly in the freedom of your embrace, to love you with all that I am. 

Transformational Community

India is a place unlike any other.  Regardless of the fact that I have been to very few other countries this fact doesn’t change.  Where else can you see opulence and extreme poverty on the same street corner.  Where else would a society think it is ok for the builders of a million dollar resort town to live in tents in an area with no running water or public services of any kind.  And where else is there a culture that every aspect removes me from my comfort zone!

Yesterday I had an opportunity to visit one of these ‘villages/slums’.  If I ever wonder what drives me to do what I do, all I need to do is look at faces like these.

This 5 or 6 year old girl’s future is to be either a child bride at the age of 12 or 13, or sold into the sex industry.  She would know this from a young age and never have any dreams of her own.  She would be told from the time she was born that she was worthless and could do nothing about her situation.

However, through transformational community, she now has a chance to go to school.  Her mother can learn a trade so that she does not need to borrow money from a loan shark; thereby forgoing the need to sell herself or her children to pay it back.  She and her parents have access to health care and her mother is learning what her rights are and how to stand up for herself and her children.  She has a chance to dream and be a child.  But most importantly she will learn who God is and how much He loves her.

I wish I could give details in this blog about what is going on, but it just isn’t safe.  However, in broad strokes, transformational community is being lived out in India.  Not only are lives being changed, but people are seeing Christ in their lives, and choosing to follow Him in droves!  These choices are not because of what He can give them but for who He is!