What does it mean to deny yourself?

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters-yes, even his own life-he cannot be my disciple.  And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.”  Luke 14:26-27

I have never felt the truth of this scripture more readily than I do now.  As I walked into Westport today, my relationship with my biological family was on my mind.  I constantly struggle with how disconnected I am from them.  I love them, I think of them and I pray for them often.  But, I do not miss them.  Sometimes my heart aches for them, but never with the feeling of homesickness.  As hard as this is to admit, it is this that makes me able to move across the country to follow Christ. 

As I wondered into my church this morning, I realized that they had become my family.  These people who make up Westport church are family.  It is this place, that I found safety, that I first truly felt love, found the home I always longed for, the launching pad or base so to speak.  The one place on this earth that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I am loved unconditionally.  It is in this moment, that I realized this family will be harder to walk away from. 

Granted, I may see them again, this side of heaven, I may not.  As God did with one of my friends in Texas, He may take one of them before I come back.  In this mindset, each moment becomes more precious, as has every contact with my biological family.  The joy of my nieces smile, the scream of “Angela” as one of my girls sees me and runs for a hug.  Each laugh, each tear becomes more precious.

Where God is leading me I do not know, but the possibilities are endless, because I can do not but chase after Christ, the one and only true lover of my soul.  My only satisfaction in all that I do.  Chasing after Christ is hard, this is why Jesus warns us to count the cost before we say we will follow Him(Luke 14:25-35).  The cost is great what He calls us to.  To walk away from everything that we hold dear because He is more.  More than I could ever want. 

The biggest lesson I have learned in my time in Oregon, is if you truly want God’s best in your life, you will be called to give up something good.  Deny yourself something that is right and just and wonderful but is only God’s good.  But for God to love us with all He is, we have to let go of everything that ties us to this land. 

Above all, the cry of my heart is “May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.” Psalm 33:22.  With that in mind, I let go…

What fear is this?

I feel as if fear is eating away at my soul.  Regardless of the truth I know and continually state, there is a piece of my heart that is fearful.  Fear of what?  I am not sure.  I feel God’s presence more than ever, and feel as if each day I learn more about Him and trust Him more.  But each time I return to the foot of the cross and relinquish control, the fear of the unknown seems to grow in my belly.  Even sound advice from good friends, and my pleading with the Lord for help, only seem to help for so long. 

So what has a grip on my heart so deep that I won’t let it go?  I wish I knew so I could let Him heal it, but it seems so close to me that I am unaware that it is even there.  God help me to release this fear to you.  To trust you with all that I am and return to your arms and the joy of your dance.

To the foot of the Cross…

So once again, I feel as if God has called me out on the water and I dove in head first.  And once again, I hear Him whisper “I told you to come to me, not take off swimming”!  For those who have known me long enough, know I have a tendency to jump in head first and hope I swim.  And more often than not, I do pretty good.  But God has taught me a valuable lesson this past week.  That if I want great I MUST seek Him.  In all things all He wants me to do is look to Him.  “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”  Matt 6:33

I find myself at the foot of the cross, clinging to Him.  There are so many unknowns in my life right now and all I hear from Him is wait.  Every once in a while I hear Him whisper, “this way”.  But mostly just that peace that has no explanation.  The great thing is I feel like I am flying and there is no fear in it.  I feel safe in His hand as He guides me.

I bet you are asking, well what did you dive into this thing.  I must admit that I felt God calling me to speak about Human Trafficking and I ran head long into it.  I began to brainstorm all the things that I could do to get the word out and raise money.  I began to tell people these ideas, then that soft whisper again.  I know that God has more He wants me to do, but He has only commanded me to speak.  And I have not been doing that so well.  It is hard to bring up with people, watch them squirm and try to exit the conversation. I mean after all, I don’t want people to start running away when they see me coming. 

 

Back to the foot of the cross I go, to wait for His answer. I pray I hear when He speaks.

“All that is required for evil to prevail is for good men to do NOTHING?” Edmund Burke

I hate it when you can feel God urging you forward and you don’t know where to go.  All He says is to move and I don’t know which way to go.  It all seems so overwhelming, where do I start.

This summer God brought to my heart the verse Psalm 82:3-4, so I actually painted it on to something and I now read it everyday.  “Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed.  Rescue the weak and needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.”  Every day I read this verse and feel so incompetent to do what He is asking me to do.  I know that if I follow His leading great amazing things will happen.  Things I could never accomplish on my own.  Yet I stand motionless, afraid to move forward.  Then I bargain with God.  God I don’t want to do this alone…He has given me a cheerleader and support friend.  God, I don’t know what it takes to get it done…He has shown me the steps.  God I just can’t do this, I am incapable, and He whispers “I know, but I AM is capable.”  So this is where I am at.

All the times I have willingly laid my life at His feet and done what He has asked me to do.  It has all been leading to this!  Yet I stand here in fear, afraid of rejection, people laughing at me.  People just not getting it.  I am afraid of hemorrhaging all over ever where, to the point that people won’t even say hi to me for fear of what she might say.  But I refuse my life to be worth not.  I refuse to stand before my maker and know in my heart that there was more He called me to do, but I was unwilling to sacrifice my comfort, after what He gave up for me.

So I am stepping out of the boat, both feet on the water, eyes on Him.  All I ask of you, is to pray for me, hold me accountable to the word of God and listen to my heart as I bleed for those who are unable to speak for themselves.

Did you know that every minute in this world a child is sold into slavery?  Did you know that the US is not exempt from human trafficking?  Did you know that I live less than 5 miles from the 3rd largest city in the United States for Human Trafficking?

If you want to know more, or how you can help, stay tuned to this blog and I will begin discussing different organizations and how they are fighting against Human trafficking.

“All that is required for evil to prevail is for good men to do NOTHING?” Edmund Burke.  Will you stand with me, and just do something??

How a Seed Grows

It always amazes me how something can grow so quickly.  How one day it is a small seed planted in your heart by God and the next you notice it is this huge tree that is ready to bear fruit.  I wish I could figure out when it started, but really this all started the day God decided I would be conceived.  What you ask?  The purpose of my life, what I have been placed on this earth for.  To bring freedom to those imprisoned by chains of slavery and oppression.

Psalm 82:3-4 says “Defend the cause of the week and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed.  Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.”  In June I put this verse up on my wall at home, not really sure why it spoke to me so.  Then the next few months God began to build a fire in my heart that is now to a point that I can’t not do something.  Several weeks ago I was reading the start up story for a an organization called Love146 and he gave a statistic that blew me out of my stagnation. Every year 12 million people world wide are sold into slavery.  If you break this down, it comes out to two children every minute!  WHAT, Wait a minute!  TWO CHILDREN EVERY MINUTE.  In this world are sold, kidnapped, manipulated, shamed quilted, whatever into lives of slavery.  Some into labor, most into the sex industry.  Want to know something else?  America has a big a problem as every other country.  In fact, Portland, the city I like to call home, is the 3rd largest in the nation.  As I read these facts, my heart crumbled into a million pieces.  How could I do something, How could I not.

I prayed and prayed and looked and looked for a place to serve to help.  Cause I don’t have any money to give.  But god made it clear to me where the greatest need is.  Until we all become aware of this problem it will exist and solutions will not.  So I can not be quite, I refuse to be quite any longer.  I hope this makes you uncomfortable and I hope it urges you too help.  Pay attention to my blog in the coming days and I will start giving you ways to help!

The Me I Want to Be

I started reading a new book tonight.  In fact about ten minutes ago and I am already feeling God change me through it!  The month of august was a hard one for me.  Several events that rocked my world and where I thought I was emotionally!  Lets just say, I have some issues still and I definitely need some practice when it comes to trusting good men.

Anyway the question this book asked really touched the heart of where I have been and where I feel God moving me.

In determining where you are spiritually, you should ask your self two questions.  1)Am I growing more easily discouraged these days? 2) Am I growing more easily irritated these days?  Then it goes on to say “At the core of a flourishing soul are the love of God and the peace of God.  If peace is growing in me, I am less easily discouraged.  If love is growing, I am less easily irritated.”  Wow, what an eye opener to have a measure of where I am with God that has NOTHING to do with what task I may have or may not have completed.  Brilliant!

So now to be honest, I have not been growing in love and peace: for a really, really long time.  I have been trudging along, biding my time until God blesses me with the life I want.  Little did I know God wants that for me too, and He has been whispering for me to move for a while.  I just have not liked the direction He was moving me.  This weekend, I went to the beach hoping for one of those aha moments with God.  And I had one, just not what I was looking for.  God opened the eyes of my heart to see that He just wants me to move right now.  He has laid a passion on my heart and for fear of going the wrong way, I have patiently waited (like a good Christian does right?…wrong!)  Instead He has been presenting me with options and opportunities, they just weren’t big enough for what I envision.  But the big dream that God has placed in my heart won’t happen if I don’t start to move, regardless of the direction I go in! 

The funny thing is, He doesn’t really want me to move any certain direction.  All He wants is for me to move towards Him so that His peace and love flow out of me so naturally that I can’t help but accomplish what He has.  So it no longer has to do with me being in the right place at the right time.  It is only about my dance with the Father shows the world just how amazing He truly is.

Click here to see The book I am reading.

Heart Break

Ten years ago as my 25th birthday approached I remember sitting in a counselors office crying and grieving over the reality that I had no family.  The family I was born into was in shambles, my own attempt ended in divorce, and I was desperately single from no lack of my seeking.  Somewhere along the way I had decided that all I wanted was to be a wife and a mother, and at 25 I saw that dream slipping away.  So this counselor suggested that I set a goal that was more attainable.  How bout married at 30 and having kids by 35.  I jumped at, of course that could happen, ten years oh yeah!

Jump ahead ten years later, as I sit in Insomnia grieving the same dream just ten years later.  I had met a friend for coffee and to talk about the anguish in my heart.  The loneliness I feel, and the almost desperation to have a family of my own.  The cry of my heart to be cared for, to have the details looked after so all I have to do is love.  Isn’t that what we as women long for, someone to make the plans so that we can nurture the details. 

This past weekend, I was blessed by God through a good friend of mine, who just took care of the details.  At one point, I was in a  discussion with our host about my passion to help those who suffer from sexual slavery.  In that moment I got a glimpse of what it would be like to have the details taken care of so all I had to do was love.  I liked it, in fact I loved, and I now feel empty for having to walk away from it.

So why does a God who loves me, give me a glimpse of that then make me walk away.  According to my friend, it is to grieve the loss of my dream and to “seek Agape love'”, the unconditional love of Christ.  But it doesn’t take away the emptiness in side, or the ache in my heart.  I guess from here, I am to seek His love to fill that…but why does it not seem to be enough.