Fisher’s of Men

Since I let Christ into my heart in 2004 I have struggled with what a relationship with Christ looks like.  I was raised in an environment that was more about earning our way to heaven, than being with Christ.  Because of this there is constant tension in my life fueled by shame and guilt, that I am not doing enough to please God.  Since I gave my notice at Saint Child, this struggle has become more evident.  I even realize moments I missed because I was too busy trying to earn Jackie’s approval instead of living for God. 

This new place that I am in God has made it very apparent to me that I am just to rest.  No ministry, no serving, just leaning into Christ and letting Him do the work.  Honestly, I have NO IDEA how to live this life.  So what do I do, I beat myself up for not reading enough, not praying enough and not spending enough time with other people.  So there is always a way for me to feel guilty.  Almost like I enjoy the guilt, it is my security blanket that God is trying to replace with himself, but I won’t let him.  I cling to the last shreds just as I clung to my first blankie when I was little (I still have it in fact-here’s a picture of it).

 

I have been asking God to show me what this life looks like, and in His loving way He did.  Yesterday my boss took all of us fishing on the Columbia River.  He arranged everything, a gorgeous day, low wind conditions and even borrowed clothes so I didn’t freeze.  I spent the day looking down river and Mt. Hood and waiting for a bite.  The bite that never came!  We were on the river for 6 hours and only one fish even took a nibble at five poles (I found it quite funny, even though my co-workers didn’t).  But God used this time to teach me what it means to fish for men.

In Mark 1:17 Christ calls the first disciples by saying “come, follow Me, and I will make you fisher’s of men.”  He doesn’t say, I’ll teach you how to fish and then it is all up to you how much you catch.  He says follow me!  As the fisher in the boat, we really have no control over whether a fish takes the hook or not.  we can try fancy bait, flashy lines and even different methods of fishing-which I heard all about yesterday :)!  But in the end, all you can do is prepare you line, drop it in the water and wait.  In the meantime you have two choices:  you can fret and worry about if everything is right or two you can sit back relax and enjoy the day.  the interesting thing about the second option, is in that relaxing there is still action.  You must be prepared to catch the fish.  You have to bait the hook, put the line in the water and be ready to reel it in if a fish takes the bait.

The same holds true I believe for our life with God.  We have two choices.  We can believe that if we find just the right mix we will build the kingdom of God and lead countless souls to Christ.  Or we can sit back in the arms of the savior, rest, relax, and be ready to answer when He calls us to pick up the line.    There is a lot of trust in that second option, which leads me to question how I view God.  Is He truly the God of the universe, who has created mountains to rise from the earth, and commanded the ocean to come here and no further.  Or is He the God that I continually box in by my need for control, or by my shame and guilt that I am not doing enough?

I need Him to be the God of the universe.  Truly I need Him to be big enough to solve my problems and to save those He has called.   Because I can’t!  I am to burdened by my blankie’s that I am still holding onto!