Hmmm

For years I have struggled with loneliness.  A deep ache that I constantly carried around inside me, an emptiness that I though another person could feel.  I can praise the Lord and say that I no longer feel THAT loneliness.  It is a different kind of lonely that I am experiencing now.

I have a hard time saying that I am lonely, but in reality I am.  Either that or just bored I cant figure out which.  But for the first time in my life I long for an imperfect man, who won’t complete me but I hope will compliment me.  I long for a companion that I can walk this journey with.  I think the hardest thing about being single is the hope of that relationship.  If only  God would take that desire away, I could fully enjoy this time in  my life.  Or would I really?  I always like to blame something for why I don’t step out in things I enjoy.  But the truth of the matter is I am scared.

I am scared of success, I am scared of God doing AMAZING things through me!  I long for these things yet I am scared of them.  Just as I long for a companion but I am scared of the pain that comes with an imperfect relationship.  At least where I am now I can pretend that someday my life will be amazing(there I am wallowing in that good again).  However, as I dream of the future, a new day dawns.  If I don’t crawl out of the pig sty soon and quite wallowing in good, the mud may dry and I will be stuck here forever!