Moving on.

One word, one choice, one sentence.

Sometimes that is all it takes.  “Stop living in the pain, and learn to live in My joy”.  As I woke this morning, God whispered these words to my soul.

Lets go backwards a little.  Yesterday, my counselor said I was living as a victim.  Instead she said I need to learn to be a survivor.  No longer surviving, and no longer living in pain.  That one statement closed the door on my past. 

It is still there and I am sure there is more to process.  But it does not define me.   Instead, my one true Father, Savior and His guiding Spirit are what defines me.

Today is a new day.

That wall

I know there is something wrong.

It eats at me day and night. 

I try to write and nothing comes out.

I look at my book and look on past.

I look at each emotion…

Am I angry? I was but I think we worked through that.

Am I sad? Nope, we slogged through that mess as well.

Am I happy? For the most part, I guess.

Do I have joy? When I think of Him I do.

I just am, nothing can explain it and only He can help it. I think about meeting with Him and feel I have nothing to say. 

Well nothing of value anyway.

What good are the prayers of a broken woman.  A girl, who has no clue what her age is because her emotions still haven’t caught up with her body. 

How can He really love me…

Awww, so that is what is eating at me…

Even in the storm He is good.

Had somewhat of a traumatic experience on the bus today.  But I refuse to not  praise God and how He carried me through.  So first here are some small praises for Him and Him alone.

He protected by saying “here and no further”.

He comforted me with His words and whispered to my heart.

He wrapped me in His arms and carried me home, regardless of how hard each step was.

He provided an amazing support system in my two roommates to walk me out of the storm.

He proved once again He is trustworthy, has always protected me and He always will.

Now that you are on the edge of your seat, let me first say,I just had my personal space violated, thankfully that was it.  However, it doesn’t change the fact that I felt trapped, terrified and taken back over 10 years.

As I got on the bus tonight (I have started taking public transit, the bike is too hard on my back), I felt the Spirit urge me to sit on the seat next to the window.  So I obliged trusting that small voice and gave up the safe seat on the aisle.

As I sat reading through Facebook status on my phone this burly beast of a man mumbled something and sat down in the seat next to me.  No big deal, until he made sure to sit close enough that our legs were touching and almost our shoulders.  I felt myself shrink away and try to make the metal outside of the bus stretch.

I glanced at a friends Facebook status and found that verse staring at me.  You know that one that is always there when you need it the most, hiding on a wall, or sitting in the bookstore window. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, plans to give you a future and a hope” Jer 29:11.  It was then I recognized the fear that seemed to paralyze me in my seat.  I whispered my first prayer to Him and I heard that still small voice remind me that a spirit of fear does not come from the Lord.

To make matters worse, the man had an odor about him that took me back to my marriage.  It is the smell of a person who consumes so much alcohol that they no longer sweat water.  Instead, alcohol leaks out of their every pore, drunk or sober.  This is the smell that permeated my life with my ex-husband.  He smelled of it, his mom smelled of it and so did his dad.

I continued to pray trying to hide in the peace and finding it a struggle.  I began to feel light headed from not taking a full breathe in five minutes.  Finally he reached over me and pulled the stop line, and exited the bus. 

I slumped into my seat, and continued to scroll through Facebook as if nothing had just happened. Unwilling to face it I crawled to the max, feeling violated and terrified of every person near.  Still refusing to admit my feelings, I tried to concentrate on my phone and could hardly bring it into focus.  I even called a friend and refused to admit how traumatized I felt.  Instead I told her that I didn’t know how I felt about a minor happening on the max and just needed to process.  When in fact I wanted to run all the way home jump in the shower and scrub until that feeling went away.  Wait isn’t that how rape victims feel, not me, he didn’t touch me.

As I walked though I made a choice to not run and I let the tears begin to flow.  I talked to God, got angry with God and continued to cry.  When I reached my apartment I snuck in the door and silently crept into my room.  For ages (well it felt like it) I wept on my bed praying they would hear me, hoping I wouldn’t have to ask for help.  Finally I left my room and  my roommates engulfed me in their love, talked me through my emotions, and validated how I felt.

In the end, it was only a minor thing, that showed me a lot of big things about who I am, and who I am in Christ.   I didn’t run!  I didn’t shut down!  And God walked with me through the whole thing!

Praise the King of Kings, I am a new creation in Him and He will carry me through all!

Good men do exist

I am tired and don’t feel like writing.  But I am trying to keep a promise I made to myself, so here goes nothing.  I am having a hard time writing lately and I think it may be due to all the blogs I have been reading.  My writing style is so different from the majority of them.  Also, I am reading a lot of blogs on dating and relationships, two things I have very little experience in.  In reality I have no experience in.

I just finished one that was talking about being a good woman.  Her point was that we as women have a tendency to sabotage ourselves by not thinking there are any good men out there.  We don’t think there are good men, so why should we try to be good women. 

This section stopped me in my tracks.  “Women, when you believe that you will be unhappy until you meet a good man, and simultaneously believe that good men do not exist, you sabotage yourself. You frustrate yourself. You hinder and are hindered. You are defeated. You find that your previous actions – your time, your love, your heart, your passion, your beauty, your hope, your sacrifice, your sex, your gifts – are nullified and devastated. And when this happens, when we throw our hearts and bodies into a man less than the one we dare to hope for, the desire to be an incredible woman is slowly stripped from us.”  (Click Here to read more)

I have been struggling lately with wanting to look cute.  Yet I don’t fix my hair, I don’t wear make up and I do very little to look ‘cute’.  Yet, would I be attracted to a man who was not being the best he could be.  Now I know that my looks aren’t the important part to me.  But if I want to be fully the woman that the “good man” I deserve would want, shouldn’t I put forth a little effort?

Middle ground

Came across this blog tonight on how to tell if you are woman who fears the Lord.  (Read here, by Fabs)  It made me think of two things, how far I have come and how far I have to go.

The past few months have been a whirlwind journey of transformation as I have learned to truly trust God.  6 months ago, I did not trust Him with much.  Tonight, I trust Him with almost everything.  The reward for this process has been the peace that brings such joy to my life.  To rest in the truth that I am the beloved of the King of Kings.

On the other hand, I have so much to learn about walking in this peace.  In her blog Fabs states “True strength looks like contentment.  Do you want to know if your fear of the Lord overflows into strength?  Do you envy others?  Threads of discontentment reveal a heart that does not fully grasp the greatness and goodness of our maker.”  Contentment is something I still struggle with.  Friends buy houses and I envy their freedom to settle down.  Others have babies, I wonder how long I will be single.  They deepen relationships, I feel lost at sea uncertain where I belong. 

So much to learn, yet thankful it is all about the process. 

What do you think of the process?  What does strength in a woman look like to you?

I’m a Survivor, but I don’t want to be

I am moving on and realizing that this has to be a conscious decision.  Since the age of 10 I have been in survival mode.  Worried about the future but all I can focus on is this moment.  Constantly sprinting forward running from the past that haunts me, striving for a future that was always just out of my grasp.

I have decided it is time that I  “throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” Hebrews 12:1.  This race will require perseverance and the prize is not the hill tops I used to desperately seek after.  Instead the prize is to grower closer to Christ every day and enjoy His presence in the monotony  of life.

When I started this journey, I remember one day laying down on my bed sobbing for God to help me understand.  He gave me a story I call my safe place.  Many times I have felt the last sentence resonate with me.  Never more than I do now.

I whispered “I’m scared”. He said “I know, its okay, take my hand and I will show you the way”.

The old is gone!

I think it is about time for me to let this anger go, completely and fully.  So starting today I am praying for the salvation of my dad.  What is that you say?  Big deal? BIG DEAL?!?  Yes this is a very big deal!  A few days ago, I would have preferred he rot in Hell.  But the Grace of God has been at work in my heart as well as the words of my counselor.  A week ago my counselor mentioned that she didn’t think my dad had ever learned the skills to love me the way that I needed.  So in a way he did the best he could.

This is a hard statement for me to swallow.  Part of me wants to be angry at this, but I have chosen the way of Grace instead.  It is weird to see my dad in this light since I have fed off this anger for so long.  However, as I release this anger my heart begins to ache to see my dad free of his pain. 

Each step I have taken on my spiritual journey with God, has been to remove a scar associated with my relationship with my dad.  What an important responsibility a father has towards his daughter.  He is charged with protecting her, guiding her and teaching her how to be a woman of God.  And most importantly he is her model for what her relationship with her heavenly father should be.  (Wow, what a responsibility...so glad I’m a woman!!)  Most often though the fathers are just men and despite how much they love their daughters they are still sinful creatures.

So what are we to do?  Who is to be that model for us?  In the past I chose any many who would give me momentary acceptance or love.  The new me though, who has been bathed in the love and mercy of Christ, feels content as I am.  The change is my relationship with my heavenly father.  Because I fully trust Him and can see myself as He see me I no longer ‘need’ someone to tell me who I am.   I know who I am and I am fully confident in Him.  I also trust that some day God will introduce to me that man who will encourage me, love me, and push me to become more than I am now.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” 2 Cor 5:17

Round and Round we Go

I am currently learning that life is all about the process.  The day to day struggles, fleeting moments of joy, and the monotony of life.  I hate the process and have always struggled uphill to find the mountain top and get out of the valley.  Today something changed.

A year ago this month God started a life-changing process in me, with one simple phrase.  “Every minute two children are sold into slavery”.  Every minute…every minute??  I remember a year ago as God demolished my heart with this phrase, hearing  the song Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North.  Each time I heard it I would sob through the chorus wondering “In this sea of pain, can the maker of the stars really see me?”  “Is He really everything I need Him to be?” After all, the processes of the last 6 years had done nothing but tear away the old, leaving me bare and afraid.

Today I came full circle with this song.  This time as the words left my lips there was no doubt that He would always hold my heart.  No doubt that He is all He says He is and more than I can ever comprehend.  As my Spirit exploded with Joy, I swear I left the car and danced with the King of Kings.

I officially love the process (remind me of this in a couple weeks, or months when He puts me in a another!)  Because of His process I am no longer the scared little girl that I was 7 years ago.  Instead, I am a woman who is confident hat my identity and my worth can only be found in Christ!

Can you hear my heart beating?

Today I had an epiphany.  Well maybe not an epiphany, but a light bulb moment any how!  I LOVE words. 

The harmony they sing as they roll off your lips.  The perfect paring that sings to the depths of your soul.  This love of mine has haunted me for years and I keep missing the train.  Stories, ideas, and random thoughts are continuously rattling around in my brain.  In the past, I have even mustered up the courage to write a few down.  But, never have I chosen to pursued this love of mine.  Until today that is.

I was minding my own business reading a friends blog when this one literally fell into my lap, (Click Here), and I swooned.  Knees buckling, heart pounding, speech dissipating swooning.  I don’t swoon!  I might find something interesting, or even get excited for a moment, but I do not swoon. 

But as the words danced on the page to the rhythm of the writers heart, my heart leapt for joy.  As the honesty in the words sunk into my soul my knees began to quiver.  And so it begins, I have fallen in love with writing. 

As I pursue this love of mine I would love your help!  What are some things you always wondered about? (like why does the Pope wear white…ooh I may have to look that up!)  What about questions you have about being a Christian.  Anything goes, leave me a comment, send me an email!  My pen (or at least my keyboard) is poised…

Why

Why do I find it so hard to write.  The words tumble through my brain.  I close my eyes and the onslaught continues.  I wish I just had an off switch or could punch a small hole in my brain and they would stream out onto the paper.

I have started three blogs in the past week and have many more rumbling around in my head. I find time and time again that as I begin to type, the words dissipate like rain in the desert. 

I feel that God has given me a gift of expressing myself in words, yet so often those words don’t come out. 

Why oh why will they just not flow!?!?

The old reborn into new

This week has been a whirl of emotions that fluctuate so rapidly, there is no way I could blog them all.  But the reoccurring theme has been my pride.  In the midst of these emotions, I am finding that anything I am fearful us has to do with my pride.  I have asked God to remove this and in His usual fashion, He is giving me lots of times to practice!

As I was reading “My Utmost for His Highest” by Oswald Chambers this evening, I began to think of the Phoenix (If you want to read it click here: Daily Devotional) .  Yes I am talking about the fictional bird. What a great representation of what Salvation, then Sanctification really is.   The Phoenix grows old, then dies in a ball of flames (or that is how Harry Potter says it happens!)  Then from the ashes (what is left of the old life) a new life is reborn and the cycle starts all over again.  In comparison, when we are brought into salvation with Christ we are also consumed, our old life turned to ashes, and out of that we rise a new creation.  However, unlike the Phoenix, I have a choice in all of this.  When I am reborn out of the ashes I must allow Christ to continually remove the presence of the ashes from my life.  This is what I struggle with letting go who I was to become who I am in Him.  Oswald puts it like this “Am I willing to be "myself," and nothing more - no friends, no father, no brother, no self-interest - simply ready for death?”  And I ask myself…am I?  Am I really willing to give up everything to let God work His way completely in my life? 

I often reply in haste, of course I would, until I stand before Christ and face a decision.  Whether it be a movie I used to like, or simply my fear of the unknown; I often find myself wanting to cling to that instead of letting Him take it away.  In the light of His cross I should forsake the things about me that conform me to the ways of the world.  In so doing Christ can then transform and renew the patterns of my mind.  There is such joy in letting go, but an angst that I can not describe.

How do you?

How do you come to terms with the anger and emotions that flood your soul at the mere sound of your dad’s voice?  How do you forgive and love as Christ loves Him when there is no remorse? 

Over and over I find myself trying to forgive him.   And over and over I that anger clings to me like a wet blanket.

Maybe its the fact that there is no recognition of the effect his actions had on my life.   The sleepless nights living in fear, longing for protection from the daily onslaught of the world.  Knowing that he was the one I feared the worst.

How do you let go of that anger and love the person who made you feel that way?

The realties of Legacy

How much do I know about the legacy of my family?  Do I recognize the traits that have been passed on from generation to generation?  Does that legacy affect me on a daily basis?  These questions have been swirling around in my brain for several weeks now.  As a result I have concluded that the legacy we receive and the legacy we give is really the essence of who we are.

While in Idaho a few weeks ago my mother shared some wonderful stories about my grandfather and my great grandmother.  Their life was not easy but they had such generous hearts and  a tenacious spirit that battled through anything for the betterment of their family.  As I listened I began to feel like little pieces of me were falling into place.  “so that is why I am so driven and yes quite stubborn?” and “Aww, my grandpa showed love through gifts, just like I do”.  Hearing about who I came from, the line of my ancestors, helped me to understand more of who and why I am.

But I also learned that other character traits not as wonderful had been passed along in this legacy.  In some of my mother’s stories I started to see a certain amount of passivity in my grandfather towards my grandmother.  In his words he “loved my grandmother”, so he continued to let the words of her mouth beat him and his children down.  In essence he choose peace in the relationship over the love of the person.  I am the same way as are my family members, my mother even married a man who was even more passive but without the loving spirit to temper it.  As a result of this legacy, communication in my family is almost non-existent and setting healthy boundaries often results in the loss of relationships. 

Healthy communication is such a key element in any relationship.  Without it, real honesty and trust can not be built.  But with healthy communication also comes truth, speaking it and hearing it about yourself.  Passivity is the easy way, keep your mouth shut in hopes the problem will just disappear and the truth won’t have to be told.  As I write this I laugh out of heart ache in my heart.  The reality of this legacy in my family means we don’t ask the hard questions or really even talk for fear of conflict.  The result of this is an under current of anger and unresolved conflict coursing through my family.  My relationships with my parents and my siblings have been destroyed and are built on mistrust and uncertainty.  And I see the same traits being passed down to my nephews and my niece. 

As I have walked this road of boundaries, setting them (or not when my passive nature takes over), I have found a lot of heartache.  However, I have also found a slow renewal of relationships with my mother and my sister.  I often ponder though, what if my grandfather would have chosen to speak truthful love into his wife instead of choosing what he thought was peace?  What if my mother had been taught how to set healthy boundaries from a young age, would she have tried to escape her home in the arms of my father?  I can get lost in this ‘what if’ all day.  In the end this is the legacy I have received.

The legacy I give though is my choice.  I can choose to navigate the world of boundaries, learning to love people with truth.  I can choose to have the hard conversations with people, often facing their rejection of me and the words I bring.  Through that choice I can change the legacy my children will receive.  I can also hope to continue the wonderful slow process of truth spoken in my family. 

  I am still learning how to navigate the battlefield of boundaries because a relationship built on trust is what I desire to have with my family.  Gratefully, my mother and I have started down this path and we have both wounded one another in the process.  The words don’t always come out, and the truth is not always spoken.  But I feel the foundation of our relationship changing; from one of surface level day to day distractions to a deeper connection built on trust and love.  All I can hope for is the courage to continue down this path.

That same old thorn

Sometimes when I read the bible, I really wish it was a little more emotional.  I know I serve an emotional God, so why does His word seem so factual sometimes.  Last night I stumbled upon Abram’s call to “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you” and Abram’s response was so simple; he went.  He didn’t argue with God about leaving His family.  he didn’t whine ‘why me’, or say ‘why not send someone else’.  He just went.

My heart aches to have that kind of devotion to God, such single minded focus that I would just go.  No questions, no second guessing, no envy of those who haven’t been called, no anger at having been called.  Yes, as ashamed as I am to admit it all those nasty emotions are whirling inside of me right now.  I feel like such a selfish brat lost in the depression of being single, the thorn that constantly ravages my heart.

Never have I been more suited for where I feel God leading me to go.  I have never felt more passionate about what a people group is doing.  But it doesn’t change the reality of my sinful heart.  Deep down inside me I am excited to go, but I just can’t seem to stop focusing on the negative side of things.  My heart longs to be married and I feel as if this is a death sentence to that dream (I know that is silly-but it is how I feel).

Lord may the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you oh God of Jacob.  I long to be free from the chains of this envy, to let go of the anger that covers the fear and disappointment.  I want to once again fly in the freedom of your embrace, to love you with all that I am. 

Transformational Community

India is a place unlike any other.  Regardless of the fact that I have been to very few other countries this fact doesn’t change.  Where else can you see opulence and extreme poverty on the same street corner.  Where else would a society think it is ok for the builders of a million dollar resort town to live in tents in an area with no running water or public services of any kind.  And where else is there a culture that every aspect removes me from my comfort zone!

Yesterday I had an opportunity to visit one of these ‘villages/slums’.  If I ever wonder what drives me to do what I do, all I need to do is look at faces like these.

This 5 or 6 year old girl’s future is to be either a child bride at the age of 12 or 13, or sold into the sex industry.  She would know this from a young age and never have any dreams of her own.  She would be told from the time she was born that she was worthless and could do nothing about her situation.

However, through transformational community, she now has a chance to go to school.  Her mother can learn a trade so that she does not need to borrow money from a loan shark; thereby forgoing the need to sell herself or her children to pay it back.  She and her parents have access to health care and her mother is learning what her rights are and how to stand up for herself and her children.  She has a chance to dream and be a child.  But most importantly she will learn who God is and how much He loves her.

I wish I could give details in this blog about what is going on, but it just isn’t safe.  However, in broad strokes, transformational community is being lived out in India.  Not only are lives being changed, but people are seeing Christ in their lives, and choosing to follow Him in droves!  These choices are not because of what He can give them but for who He is!

Strong Enough

It’s 4:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep, haven’t been able to since about 3.  I dislike times like this when I have decisions to weigh and I get a lot of time alone.  I get stuck in my head and weighed down by my thoughts.  I know I am still suffering from jet lag, but I have had this overwhelming since of loneliness for the last 24 hours. 

I miss my friends and family, the comfort of a place to call home in Oregon.  A place where I belong.  None of that changes the fact that I hear the still soft voice of God calling me to India.  I find myself bargaining with Him…”I’ll come  when you give me someone to come with.”  “Wouldn’t I be more useful as a strong voice in Oregon, than a silent support in India?”  “Why me?” and the list goes on and on.

I have always been the strong type to see the road God wants me to go down and charging down like a bull in a china shop.  But this time, I am paralyzed by fear.  Not the fear of the unknown, but the fear that I am not strong enough to do this.

Truth is, I am not.  The girl inside of me wishes to curl up in a ball and run back to the safety of my home.  But there is something inside of me that won’t let me.  An urging in my spirit that I was made for this, designed with a purpose that has nothing to do with me. Yet I sit here in the dark and I still ask, why me?

Dubai…March something…

In my community group we have been going slowly through the book of Mark.  Due to the amazingly gifted leader that we have, I am learning to look at this book in a new way.  We are only into chapter 3 or 4 but what I have learned overwhelms me.  Our leader has us looking at Jesus words as if we had never heard his name before, what was he trying to say.  Over and over He speaks of the Kingdom of God, and what that really is.

This past Wednesday we reached the parable of the sower.  and for the first time I looked at the full context of this parable amongst the other words that Christ was saying and instead of focusing on the different soils, focused instead on the sower.  What is the seed?  The very word of God, the Gospel, the secret of the Kingdom of God.  Then the next parable he speaks of a light and what would you do with it?  Let it shine of course.  Then the one after that speaks of the growing seed and the farmer sows it, then unbeknownst to him the seed flourishes and produces a harvest. 

So we as Christians have been given the secret of the Kingdom of God…wanna know what it is?  Jesus, pure and simple, He is the Gospel.  No more no less.  What are we to do with this gospel, put it under our bed, hide it from the world?  No we are to let it shine for the world to see.  We are to sow the seeds and leave the spirit work up to the Spirit.

So often I get caught up in the reality that I chase after Christ and I see few people come to Christ.  I do see lives being transformed by what I do and the words He gives me to say.  But lets face it, we all want to see the desperately lost around us see the freedom that is in Christ.  But that goal changes how I act and what I am willing to do.

At Dulles Airport today I had a perfect example of this shown to me.  As waited to board my plane to take me to Dubai I overheard a woman arguing on the phone with someone.  I won’t give you details but I heard the heartache and saw the tears on her face.  I wanted to swoop in and rescue her, but in my thoughts that meant I had to give her my ticket because it sounded like she couldn’t get on our flight.  I felt the spirit urge me to approach her and I flat out refused.  Nope wasn’t gonna do that.  So I quit listening.  Finally the Spirit softened my heart and I agreed to approach her.  I did, asked her if I could help and she said no.  I boarded the plane and felt like a failure. 

After 11 hours of the 12 hour flight I had honestly forgotten about her.  When suddenly she appeared in front of me, held my hand and thanked me for offering to help.  And she did so again as we left the plane.  I was and still am flabbergasted.  Is that all God wanted, I don’t know her story, may never see her again but who knows what her story will be because of that small gesture I made. 

Okay, back to the parable, if we focus on sowing seeds (the small things) and let the spirit till the soil we are portraying and living out the kingdom of God.  But if we only focus on the circumstances where we get to speak His name, instead of be His hands and feet as well, we miss the point and we miss letting our light shine.  For one brief moment I was a conduit between that woman and God.  For a moment it was His hands who touched her, His voice that whispered I see you, I know your pain.  It is His tears I cry now for her pain and her story, as only He knows what that is.

Take my hand.

In early 2005 as I faced the reality of what following Christ meant, I was blessed to write a story that showed me the heart God had for me.  I have clung to that story through many different trials that I have been through. 

As the story ends, I wake from an amazing and restful sleep…

As I sat up I realized I was no longer that frightened little girl. I was a grown woman. I had the strength of a nation and I knew through God I could do anything. I felt whole and brave, confident and secure. I had no worries and I knew all would be taken care of. As I began to step off I whispered “I’m scared”. He said “I know, its okay, take my hand and I will show you the way”.

I have clung to this ending time and time again, when I didn’t feel that I was strong and confident, but I knew if I took His hand He would show me the way. 

Today I feel this journey begins.  I step on the plane tomorrow, physically alone, but covered in prayer from many different nations.  I am confident and secure in who I am as a daughter of God and I can trust in Him to give me the courage I need to be brave.  So as I step on that plane tomorrow, I am sure I will whisper “I am scared”, and I Know that He will be there smiling with His hand offered for support. 

I am so blessed.

Perspective

Over the course of my relationship with God, a reoccurring lesson that I have had to learn is how much perspective can change something. As I have prepared to go to India my perspective has shifted between fear and excitement. I just had a thought though, I get to go on a 12 day date with God and God alone!
Not many people get that chance, a chance to not just spend time with God but walk in His presence every day, my life fully in His hands. In reality though shouldn't we face each day this way? Just something to ponder as I bask in His love...

Faith of a mustard seed

Yesterday I was reading a friends blog and she stated the following:

“I feel like I’ve been bombarded with the message that victory is ours for the taking, if we just reach out in faith and grab it. God will provide whatever you need, if you can just “faith” your way to receiving it.”

She went on to relay what she felt victory as a Christian really means.  We have all struggled with this thought at some point in our lives.  A problem jumps up and you hear that little whisper “well if you just had enough faith it would all go away”.  But what if faith is more than that? 

There are many theologians out there who can argue for the faith movement and against it, and I am not one of them.  However, time and time again I have seen the truth of it in my life.  Bad things have happened to me, around me and even to those I do not know.  Yet, I have seen little evidence that willing yourself to faith has very little impact on the outcome.

Now let me explain before you get all riled up!  When my parents first divorced I still had faith in God and believed He could bring them back together.  But I watched as their choices took them away from each other, causing my trust in God to disappear, but my faith was still intact .  “Now Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see” Hebrews 11:1.  As I walked the next 15 years, I had faith that God was real.  However, I choose to not trust Him and ended up doing things that harmed myself and others around me.  Even people who had faith in a big God and trusted His goodness were harmed by my actions.  I have many examples of this, but they really don’t matter.  The point I am trying to make is how does faith in God and His promises get reconciled in a fallen world?  For me, my definition of God and faith both need to change. 

In the bible there are multiple examples of bad things happening to good people and God never explains why.  Job was credited as a man of great faith, yet God let him be destroyed.  Abraham as well, but God let him impregnate his servant.  Why?  Maybe because our faith isn’t about us or what God can give us, but more about His glory and who He is.

I am writing this as I face getting on a plane to India by myself.  I am terrified, want to bury my head in the sand, cry for hours, not get on that plane, run away and end up in the belly of a whale.  But none of this changes my “faith” in who God is.

He is a big God and I believe and trust that He IS GOOD, regardless of the outcome.  There are many scary things that could happen (Daniel had to walk into a den of lions, 3 men had to walk into a fiery furnace, Esther had to walk into the court of the king), but I choose to trust God’s path for my life.  Regardless of where it may take me.

Over and over people tell me that I am brave for doing this and I cringe.  I am not brave, my journey is no different than yours, and my faith is no greater than yours.  It is all about choices, we all make them every day.  Some that matter in the big scheme of things and some that really don’t.  But it is always a choice…trust that God is good, regardless of what is on the other side of that scary black fog He is telling you to walk into, and trust that His goodness does not change.  EVER.

I choose to TRUST.

Silent no more

I am currently in the process of reading a book titled “Lioness Arising” by Lisa Bevere and it has really given me some stuff to ‘chew’ on.  This morning she was talking about women’s role in the church and how in America the Christian body has diminished the value of women leaders.  She went on to tell a story about a Face book post she made that started a very controversial discussion about whether women can be leaders or not.  Of course this brought a broad out people on both sides who spoke very vehemently on the subject.  Then she quoted a comment from a man which struck home to me.  “Why are you women arguing against yourselves?  We need your contribution, but you are stopping each other!”

It then struck me that the majority of the previous comments she listed had been women angrily forcing their sisters into silent submission.  But we are not called to be silent.  God did not create us as merely baby makers.  We are charged with raising children, the most noble and difficult job on the planet. Yet how can we do this if we do not use our voice to stand strong for what we believe and hold our husbands to account for their behavior or lack of leadership.  A perfect example of this silent submission is Abraham’s wife Sarah.  How many times did she allow Abraham to pass her off as his sister due to his fear.  I wonder what glory would have been shown to God is she only would have put her foot down and said I” will not let you disrespect me that way, and God is bigger than this problem!” 

I wonder…

Eowyn

I had the pleasure of three days off this weekend and on a whim decided to have a Lord of the Rings marathon.  On Saturday a friend of mine was telling me how she and her husband often discuss which character they are more like.  While I have often seen myself in different aspects of the different characters, I have never thought I was like one, or ever could be.  As I was watching the first film I decided to ask her who she thought I was and she said Eowyn. 

Eowyn, really?  Isn’t she the one who falls for Aragorn and gets her heart broken?  Oh ok, that sounds like me…So with an open mind I watched the remaining three films and slowly the inner strength and courage of Eowyn began to emerge.  She is a somewhat silent character, who speaks more by her actions than by her words.  She has an inner strength and often finds herself in places where she must lead those around her.  At one point she rides into battle as a man to fight along side those she loves, because she can’t do otherwise.  She was created to fight injustice, to stand strong against evil and defeat the evil that no ‘man’ could. 

As I neared the end of the movie, my respect for this character had grown.  While, I see aspects of her that are similar to me, I do not feel I measure up to her in anyway.  She is however who I aspire to be, a woman of strong character.  A woman whose identity is defined more by my actions than merely by words.  A woman who is courageous in battle and willing to forego my own life for those I love.

Daily I battle against the fear that lurks in my heart.  The road that God has me on seems scary most directions I look at it.  But in reality what is there to fear when death means eternity with Christ.  So what really scares me about the path I am on?  At this point I am not sure.  It could be the fear of the unknown, or even a fear that I am not as strong as others seem to think.  But mostly I fear that my actions will not speak the truth of Christ or that I will not have the courage to speed headlong into battle when I am called to go.  Most importantly I fear the persecution I may face.  That I will not be able to stand up for my Lord when called to do so.

These are my fears…

The chains of fear

Sunday morning I snapped under the weight of my fear.  I broke down at the foot of the cross and admitted to God what He already ken.  My fear, the wound harbored in my soul, is the fear of being unprotected. 

When I was young I didn’t know what protection was, I didn’t understand what I was walking away from when I walked away from God.  All this time I have looked towards men around me hoping they would protect me.  Time and time again that arrow would pierce my heart at the humanness of men.  Tonight I stood before God with the arrow of fear at my throat.  I looked into His eyes and saw everything I ever longed for.  He beckoned me to step out of the chains in into His protection.  I leapt, refusing to be bound by these chains any more, by the mind games that lie to me about what I need. 

I expected to feel the arrow pierce my soul, but instead it snapped!  I landed in His arms and felt the full embrace of my true Strong Tower.

Where does it stop?

Several weeks ago I read an article where a former victim of sex trafficking personally asked the NFL and the Super Bowl Host committee to join forces with Traffick911 and their “I’m Not Buying It” campaign.  They never responded.  I haven’t been able to let it go.  I have continually asked God what I should do about it.  Should I not watch the Super bowl in protest?  Or just voice my concerns and bring to light the irony of this.

Every year millions of people watch the super bowl.  Thousands of people are lucky enough to watch it in person.  Thousands have invaded the Dallas Ft. Worth area this week just for the experience of the Super Bowl.  And with that comes the thousand of pimps dragging their sex slaves to make them millions.

I wish I could go back in time and find the moment where our country stopped being the land of the Free and became the land of “well as long as they aren’t hurting me I guess it is ok”.

I am disgusted by the lack of responsibility that the NFL and the Host Committee have voice in their decision to remain silent.  Often all it takes is one voice to start an uproar and one voice to silence it.  As someone somewhere said, “For evil to prosper all it needs is for good people to do nothing”. 

As you watch the Super Bowl today, please take the time, to pray for those who have lost their freedoms.  The ones who can’t say no, or stop the atrocities that happen to them every day.  And pray that we as Christians would begin to hold the world accountable for their actions.