I am moving on and realizing that this has to be a conscious decision. Since the age of 10 I have been in survival mode. Worried about the future but all I can focus on is this moment. Constantly sprinting forward running from the past that haunts me, striving for a future that was always just out of my grasp.
I have decided it is time that I “throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” Hebrews 12:1. This race will require perseverance and the prize is not the hill tops I used to desperately seek after. Instead the prize is to grower closer to Christ every day and enjoy His presence in the monotony of life.
When I started this journey, I remember one day laying down on my bed sobbing for God to help me understand. He gave me a story I call my safe place. Many times I have felt the last sentence resonate with me. Never more than I do now.
I whispered “I’m scared”. He said “I know, its okay, take my hand and I will show you the way”.
My safe place is the picture in the calendar. It’s a place on a beach where I am stress free and completely at rest. I can lie in a hammock and all I hear are the waves, and the birds. Every once in a while the wind blows through my hair and across my skin. It is in the wind I feel the caress of Abba as he runs his fingers through my hair and he whispers “I AM here”. I lay my head on His lap and I feel like a young child my heart is broke in two. I’m crying and I don’t know why. But my head is in His lap and He is softly pulling my hair away from my face. I ask Him “why did they all leave me?” and He says “I was there”. I ask Him “why are they not here for me now?” and He says “I am here”. I ask Him “will I always be alone?” and He answers “I will always be here”. It is in this moment I realize He is the only one who will always be there for me.
ReplyDeleteHe gently picks up the pieces of my heart and using His string, made from love and mercy, He begins to sew. As He sews He tells me a story of how He created the earth. He created a man and a woman so that He would not be alone. He tells me He wanted them to choose the way of the righteous, instead they chose the way of sin. Because of their sin He could no longer walk with them in the garden. So He clothed them and sent them away. As they walked away He felt his heart break in two, so He took the pieces of His heart and made a roll of string. With the love and mercy, understanding and grace from His own heart He would mend the hearts of those who cried out to Him. He asks me “do you remember when I chose you?” I say “yes”. He asks “do you remember when you chose me?” I say “yes”. He asks “do you remember when I carried you?” I say “yes”. He asks “do you remember when I carried the pieces of your heart?” I say “yes”. As the tears stream down my face, He asks “do you remember when I called you back to me”, I whispered “yes”. He touched my cheek and said, “I have done all this because you chose me, now I ask you to do for me. Trust in me to provide for you, do not rely on the things of this world, long for me to be near you, call on my name and I will answer. Do not ask me why, just obey my will. If you chose to follow as I have asked I will use you as a messenger of my word. I will use your love, your grace and your mercy to repair the hearts of other young girls. And when my plans for you are done I will call you home to me. I have planned for you a family just not yet. In time the desires of your heart will be yours, for I have placed them in your heart. Continue to delight in me and I will show you the way. Prepare that place for me in your heart and I will reside there, therefore you will never be alone. Know that others will hurt you, degrade you and persecute you, but the joy in your heart will remain.” I looked up into his loving eyes and there was my heart with no tear, no stitches and no scars. He said “This is new, it is from me because you chose me. I will always fill it to overflowing so that you have love for others. Do not hold back this love or kindness in fear, because I will never stop filling it.” He then closed my eyes and told me to rest. I fell into a deep sleep, one of pure rest. My body did not move except to breathe. When I woke I was alone laying in the hammock. I could feel the wind in my hair and on my skin. I could hear the waves lapping at the beach and hear the cry of the birds. As I sat up I realized I was no longer that frightened little girl. I was a grown woman. I had the strength of a nation and I knew through God I could do anything. I felt whole and brave, confident and secure. I had no worries and I knew all would be taken care of. As I began to step off I whispered “I’m scared”. He said “I know, its okay, take my hand and I will show you the way”.