“All that is required for evil to prevail is for good men to do NOTHING?” Edmund Burke

I hate it when you can feel God urging you forward and you don’t know where to go.  All He says is to move and I don’t know which way to go.  It all seems so overwhelming, where do I start.

This summer God brought to my heart the verse Psalm 82:3-4, so I actually painted it on to something and I now read it everyday.  “Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed.  Rescue the weak and needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.”  Every day I read this verse and feel so incompetent to do what He is asking me to do.  I know that if I follow His leading great amazing things will happen.  Things I could never accomplish on my own.  Yet I stand motionless, afraid to move forward.  Then I bargain with God.  God I don’t want to do this alone…He has given me a cheerleader and support friend.  God, I don’t know what it takes to get it done…He has shown me the steps.  God I just can’t do this, I am incapable, and He whispers “I know, but I AM is capable.”  So this is where I am at.

All the times I have willingly laid my life at His feet and done what He has asked me to do.  It has all been leading to this!  Yet I stand here in fear, afraid of rejection, people laughing at me.  People just not getting it.  I am afraid of hemorrhaging all over ever where, to the point that people won’t even say hi to me for fear of what she might say.  But I refuse my life to be worth not.  I refuse to stand before my maker and know in my heart that there was more He called me to do, but I was unwilling to sacrifice my comfort, after what He gave up for me.

So I am stepping out of the boat, both feet on the water, eyes on Him.  All I ask of you, is to pray for me, hold me accountable to the word of God and listen to my heart as I bleed for those who are unable to speak for themselves.

Did you know that every minute in this world a child is sold into slavery?  Did you know that the US is not exempt from human trafficking?  Did you know that I live less than 5 miles from the 3rd largest city in the United States for Human Trafficking?

If you want to know more, or how you can help, stay tuned to this blog and I will begin discussing different organizations and how they are fighting against Human trafficking.

“All that is required for evil to prevail is for good men to do NOTHING?” Edmund Burke.  Will you stand with me, and just do something??

How a Seed Grows

It always amazes me how something can grow so quickly.  How one day it is a small seed planted in your heart by God and the next you notice it is this huge tree that is ready to bear fruit.  I wish I could figure out when it started, but really this all started the day God decided I would be conceived.  What you ask?  The purpose of my life, what I have been placed on this earth for.  To bring freedom to those imprisoned by chains of slavery and oppression.

Psalm 82:3-4 says “Defend the cause of the week and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed.  Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.”  In June I put this verse up on my wall at home, not really sure why it spoke to me so.  Then the next few months God began to build a fire in my heart that is now to a point that I can’t not do something.  Several weeks ago I was reading the start up story for a an organization called Love146 and he gave a statistic that blew me out of my stagnation. Every year 12 million people world wide are sold into slavery.  If you break this down, it comes out to two children every minute!  WHAT, Wait a minute!  TWO CHILDREN EVERY MINUTE.  In this world are sold, kidnapped, manipulated, shamed quilted, whatever into lives of slavery.  Some into labor, most into the sex industry.  Want to know something else?  America has a big a problem as every other country.  In fact, Portland, the city I like to call home, is the 3rd largest in the nation.  As I read these facts, my heart crumbled into a million pieces.  How could I do something, How could I not.

I prayed and prayed and looked and looked for a place to serve to help.  Cause I don’t have any money to give.  But god made it clear to me where the greatest need is.  Until we all become aware of this problem it will exist and solutions will not.  So I can not be quite, I refuse to be quite any longer.  I hope this makes you uncomfortable and I hope it urges you too help.  Pay attention to my blog in the coming days and I will start giving you ways to help!

The Me I Want to Be

I started reading a new book tonight.  In fact about ten minutes ago and I am already feeling God change me through it!  The month of august was a hard one for me.  Several events that rocked my world and where I thought I was emotionally!  Lets just say, I have some issues still and I definitely need some practice when it comes to trusting good men.

Anyway the question this book asked really touched the heart of where I have been and where I feel God moving me.

In determining where you are spiritually, you should ask your self two questions.  1)Am I growing more easily discouraged these days? 2) Am I growing more easily irritated these days?  Then it goes on to say “At the core of a flourishing soul are the love of God and the peace of God.  If peace is growing in me, I am less easily discouraged.  If love is growing, I am less easily irritated.”  Wow, what an eye opener to have a measure of where I am with God that has NOTHING to do with what task I may have or may not have completed.  Brilliant!

So now to be honest, I have not been growing in love and peace: for a really, really long time.  I have been trudging along, biding my time until God blesses me with the life I want.  Little did I know God wants that for me too, and He has been whispering for me to move for a while.  I just have not liked the direction He was moving me.  This weekend, I went to the beach hoping for one of those aha moments with God.  And I had one, just not what I was looking for.  God opened the eyes of my heart to see that He just wants me to move right now.  He has laid a passion on my heart and for fear of going the wrong way, I have patiently waited (like a good Christian does right?…wrong!)  Instead He has been presenting me with options and opportunities, they just weren’t big enough for what I envision.  But the big dream that God has placed in my heart won’t happen if I don’t start to move, regardless of the direction I go in! 

The funny thing is, He doesn’t really want me to move any certain direction.  All He wants is for me to move towards Him so that His peace and love flow out of me so naturally that I can’t help but accomplish what He has.  So it no longer has to do with me being in the right place at the right time.  It is only about my dance with the Father shows the world just how amazing He truly is.

Click here to see The book I am reading.

Heart Break

Ten years ago as my 25th birthday approached I remember sitting in a counselors office crying and grieving over the reality that I had no family.  The family I was born into was in shambles, my own attempt ended in divorce, and I was desperately single from no lack of my seeking.  Somewhere along the way I had decided that all I wanted was to be a wife and a mother, and at 25 I saw that dream slipping away.  So this counselor suggested that I set a goal that was more attainable.  How bout married at 30 and having kids by 35.  I jumped at, of course that could happen, ten years oh yeah!

Jump ahead ten years later, as I sit in Insomnia grieving the same dream just ten years later.  I had met a friend for coffee and to talk about the anguish in my heart.  The loneliness I feel, and the almost desperation to have a family of my own.  The cry of my heart to be cared for, to have the details looked after so all I have to do is love.  Isn’t that what we as women long for, someone to make the plans so that we can nurture the details. 

This past weekend, I was blessed by God through a good friend of mine, who just took care of the details.  At one point, I was in a  discussion with our host about my passion to help those who suffer from sexual slavery.  In that moment I got a glimpse of what it would be like to have the details taken care of so all I had to do was love.  I liked it, in fact I loved, and I now feel empty for having to walk away from it.

So why does a God who loves me, give me a glimpse of that then make me walk away.  According to my friend, it is to grieve the loss of my dream and to “seek Agape love'”, the unconditional love of Christ.  But it doesn’t take away the emptiness in side, or the ache in my heart.  I guess from here, I am to seek His love to fill that…but why does it not seem to be enough.

Patience…yes I really am praying for it!

Yesterday as I was mulling around in my bored melancholy, I came up with a mental picture of how I feel right now.  I feel as if I am spinning my tires in a swamp of mud going nowhere, but I refuse to take my foot off the gas.  Why is that, is it really what God wants for me to be doing to try and get out myself?  Or should I let my foot off the gas and see what happens.  It didn’t feel like either answer was the right one, so I slept on it.  This morning my pastor continued his series on Galatians, it is titled Pressures Off (fitting huh!!).  Something he said was like one of those aha moments, and I realized duh, I shouldn't be driving at all!! 

One of the areas I keep trying to take the lead on is my finances.  I have done a horrible job with my money in the past and while God has taught me how to not make money and things my idol, there are consequences to my actions nonetheless.  I have wracked my brain for months trying to come up with a solution to make some extra money, to put towards bills or even go out for a movie, to no avail.  I am still trapped in the same stinking mud puddle and there is no way for me to get out quickly.  This is killing me, I feel like God has this life for me that if I had wizened up about my finances sooner I would be on my way already.  But no, I had to be my stubborn old self and refuse to listen to that small voice.  Oh if only…

So what do I do now, except fall on my knees and wait patiently at the foot of the cross for Him to move.  I know that He will, and I trust that He will, I am just tired of waiting.  I am an action girl, I am a get out there and get it done.  Which is probably why God is making me wait, so that I know beyond a doubt it is Him.  Lord I pray for your patience that through me you will move  mountains.

What a Week

To say this was a horrible week wouldn’t be the truth, because God is good and in the midst of the turmoil there was joy.  But it was a week that I soon want to forget!  I work for a company that is truly blessed by God and we are very aware of why our company is successful.  However, this week felt like we were the Israelites, lost in the desert (you know He is there but beyond that knowledge you are fighting for proof!).  Not only had we been cursed by a downturn in business, but it seemed everything was falling apart around us. 

The worst part was one of my co-workers was struggling with his computer and we had a hired a company, to remain nameless, to fix our computers.  After 6 days he was frustrated and his temper took over.  This co-worker, works upstairs and I shouldn’t be able to hear him.  However, I could hear the obscenities being screamed into the phone and things being slammed around.  I quickly reverted back to my marriage and immediately shut down emotionally.  This made the rest of my life unbearable, I wanted to curl up into a ball and never go back to work.  The ramifications of his anger began to spread through the office, until me and the shop manager were getting into it.  By the end of the day, I had nothing left.  Thankfully I was meeting a good friend for some fun and she quickly cheered me up.

Today the same thing happened with the co-worker and while I was on my walk at lunch I began to ponder my own anger.  I have a temper and I do my best to control it and as far as I know I have never yelled at anyone like that(well maybe that one time).  But boy have I wanted to!  So why would a person let their anger control them like that?  I am hypocritical to even ask.  Even though I don’t say those things, I think them and I am sure my looks can say them.  So how do I change this, or am I destined to always struggle?

Sorry I don’t have the answer…just laying it out here.

That Ache

I feel so trapped, lost in a sea of emptiness.

Aching for more than I am.

Knowing I am made for greatness,

Yet lost in the pain of who I am.

You created me for more, to live in the court of my King.

But the chains of this world wrap round me, and tie down my wings.

I long for the day when you speak, and my chains are finally gone.

I’ll soar on these wings of freedom and no longer ache to be more.