What 35 means to me!

Tomorrow I turn 35!  I am more excited about this birthday than any so far!  It is hard to explain but there is a sense of freedom in my 35th year.  Freedom from goals of the heart, that I really had no control over.

My 25th birthday was the worst birthday of my life.  I had just become a police officer, broken up with my boyfriend and decided to drink my self senseless.  Honestly I don’t even remember the night, just that I was miserable and I wanted it all to go away.  I was devastated that a quarter of my life was gone, I was divorced and hated myself.  That year I started seeing a counselor and realized that I was partly depressed because I had always dreamed I would be married at least by 25.  So she told me to set a more realistic goal. 

So I decided (once again there is that phrase), that in a perfect world I would be married at 30 and have children by 35.  So this summer as the days passed, I began to grow more and more despondent and I didn’t know why.  Then this dawned on me that once again I had not reached my goal.

Here is where the story changes and God shows me what a new creation I am in Him!  I turned to Him in my agony and cried out why am I still alone!?!?  With a smile on his face that stretched from ear to ear, He simply said “isn’t it great!”  I was heartbroken, and whispered, “Lord I thought you loved me?”  With more compassion than my statement deserved, He wrapped me in His arms and whispered, “from here on out, all this is left is My will, yours is no longer in the way”. 

I cried into His arms for a while.  As that comment sank into my heart, the most amazing feeling of freedom and love rushed into the agonies place.  I no longer have to worry about trying to achieve my goals!  The only thing left for me to focus on is His will for my life! 

I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE WHAT HE DOES!!

The beauty of Death

Today I was enjoying the beauty of the fall color here in the Northwest and was struck by how beautiful death is through the eyes of our creator.  The leaves in reality are dying therefore they are changing colors.  However, the display of their beauty as they die is somewhat surreal.  We see the same thing in the reality of a butterfly, a sunset or even a storm.  Something must die for life to continue.  For a tree to keep growing, each season it must die.  If it dies in the fall then goes dormant for winter, so that it grows in the spring, then flourishes in the summer.  But it must allow fall to enter its life if it ever wants to see spring again.  The same with a caterpillar, it must allow itself to become nothing to be reborn as a butterfly.  Or the sunset, must happen in order for the sun to rise the next day.  I could go on and on.  Then something else happened…

I listened to  a sermon today about the ‘meantime”, and what it is we are to do in the meantime. http://www.lifechurch.tv/watch/planted 

Stay with me here, the two stories tie together!  His point was that in the Christian life we have a tendency to focus on where we are going or where we have come from.  But what do we do in the meantime, that time in between while we wait for God to work.  The pastor referenced Matthew 8, using the story where Jesus calms the storm and how the disciples in the boat knew that they had been called by the Messiah.  They knew where they were coming from (the shore) and they knew where they were going(the other side).  However, they were in the ‘meantime’ stuck in a boat in the midst of a storm feeling as if death was imminent.  But they forgot who Christ was and that His will, WILL be done.  Not might be done.  God is God and His will, WILL be done.  Often we forget this, and in the midst of the storm, instead of clinging to what we KNOW to be true, we turn and want to head back to where we came from.  But as the pastor put it, Christ often wants us to learn to stay in the boat.  We must be willing to step out of the boat for sure and even walk on water when He calls.  But what happened to Peter when He forgot who Christ was, He began to sink. 

Now how does the ‘meantime’ tie in with fall colors and the sunset.  Often during our dying periods, or when we are walking through the darkness, we forget who we are.  Or at least I do.  I forget that I am a new creation in Christ, indwelled with the power of the Spirit.  That I speak with the power of the Spirit and can call on Him whenever!  Yet I so often return to who I was.  Not acting the way I did, but living in fear of that person.  That girl who was enslaved by things of the world instead of in voluntary servitude to Christ.  Also, while in this phase, we forget where God has called us to, the path He sends us on takes more of a pleasure tour of the lake, then a direct shot across.  That is what I see now.  A few months ago, I felt God light a passion in my heart that is smoldering still today.  Yet, when i tried to go without Him I fell flat on my face.  Yet He is shifting my path in a different direction than I thought it would go.  So now the doubts set in.  Am I hearing Him right, did I misunderstand that call on my heart, what was Him, what was me…I could go on for hours.  But the truth remains that I do not have the answers to these questions.  And all I can do, is crawl back to the foot of the cross, spend time in His presence and wait for Him to move.

Oh the beauty of dying to yourself, to be fully reborn as a child of the King of Kings (a Princess, dressed in heavenly robes). :)

What does it mean to deny yourself?

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters-yes, even his own life-he cannot be my disciple.  And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.”  Luke 14:26-27

I have never felt the truth of this scripture more readily than I do now.  As I walked into Westport today, my relationship with my biological family was on my mind.  I constantly struggle with how disconnected I am from them.  I love them, I think of them and I pray for them often.  But, I do not miss them.  Sometimes my heart aches for them, but never with the feeling of homesickness.  As hard as this is to admit, it is this that makes me able to move across the country to follow Christ. 

As I wondered into my church this morning, I realized that they had become my family.  These people who make up Westport church are family.  It is this place, that I found safety, that I first truly felt love, found the home I always longed for, the launching pad or base so to speak.  The one place on this earth that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I am loved unconditionally.  It is in this moment, that I realized this family will be harder to walk away from. 

Granted, I may see them again, this side of heaven, I may not.  As God did with one of my friends in Texas, He may take one of them before I come back.  In this mindset, each moment becomes more precious, as has every contact with my biological family.  The joy of my nieces smile, the scream of “Angela” as one of my girls sees me and runs for a hug.  Each laugh, each tear becomes more precious.

Where God is leading me I do not know, but the possibilities are endless, because I can do not but chase after Christ, the one and only true lover of my soul.  My only satisfaction in all that I do.  Chasing after Christ is hard, this is why Jesus warns us to count the cost before we say we will follow Him(Luke 14:25-35).  The cost is great what He calls us to.  To walk away from everything that we hold dear because He is more.  More than I could ever want. 

The biggest lesson I have learned in my time in Oregon, is if you truly want God’s best in your life, you will be called to give up something good.  Deny yourself something that is right and just and wonderful but is only God’s good.  But for God to love us with all He is, we have to let go of everything that ties us to this land. 

Above all, the cry of my heart is “May your unfailing love rest upon us, O Lord, even as we put our hope in you.” Psalm 33:22.  With that in mind, I let go…

What fear is this?

I feel as if fear is eating away at my soul.  Regardless of the truth I know and continually state, there is a piece of my heart that is fearful.  Fear of what?  I am not sure.  I feel God’s presence more than ever, and feel as if each day I learn more about Him and trust Him more.  But each time I return to the foot of the cross and relinquish control, the fear of the unknown seems to grow in my belly.  Even sound advice from good friends, and my pleading with the Lord for help, only seem to help for so long. 

So what has a grip on my heart so deep that I won’t let it go?  I wish I knew so I could let Him heal it, but it seems so close to me that I am unaware that it is even there.  God help me to release this fear to you.  To trust you with all that I am and return to your arms and the joy of your dance.

To the foot of the Cross…

So once again, I feel as if God has called me out on the water and I dove in head first.  And once again, I hear Him whisper “I told you to come to me, not take off swimming”!  For those who have known me long enough, know I have a tendency to jump in head first and hope I swim.  And more often than not, I do pretty good.  But God has taught me a valuable lesson this past week.  That if I want great I MUST seek Him.  In all things all He wants me to do is look to Him.  “But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”  Matt 6:33

I find myself at the foot of the cross, clinging to Him.  There are so many unknowns in my life right now and all I hear from Him is wait.  Every once in a while I hear Him whisper, “this way”.  But mostly just that peace that has no explanation.  The great thing is I feel like I am flying and there is no fear in it.  I feel safe in His hand as He guides me.

I bet you are asking, well what did you dive into this thing.  I must admit that I felt God calling me to speak about Human Trafficking and I ran head long into it.  I began to brainstorm all the things that I could do to get the word out and raise money.  I began to tell people these ideas, then that soft whisper again.  I know that God has more He wants me to do, but He has only commanded me to speak.  And I have not been doing that so well.  It is hard to bring up with people, watch them squirm and try to exit the conversation. I mean after all, I don’t want people to start running away when they see me coming. 

 

Back to the foot of the cross I go, to wait for His answer. I pray I hear when He speaks.

“All that is required for evil to prevail is for good men to do NOTHING?” Edmund Burke

I hate it when you can feel God urging you forward and you don’t know where to go.  All He says is to move and I don’t know which way to go.  It all seems so overwhelming, where do I start.

This summer God brought to my heart the verse Psalm 82:3-4, so I actually painted it on to something and I now read it everyday.  “Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed.  Rescue the weak and needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.”  Every day I read this verse and feel so incompetent to do what He is asking me to do.  I know that if I follow His leading great amazing things will happen.  Things I could never accomplish on my own.  Yet I stand motionless, afraid to move forward.  Then I bargain with God.  God I don’t want to do this alone…He has given me a cheerleader and support friend.  God, I don’t know what it takes to get it done…He has shown me the steps.  God I just can’t do this, I am incapable, and He whispers “I know, but I AM is capable.”  So this is where I am at.

All the times I have willingly laid my life at His feet and done what He has asked me to do.  It has all been leading to this!  Yet I stand here in fear, afraid of rejection, people laughing at me.  People just not getting it.  I am afraid of hemorrhaging all over ever where, to the point that people won’t even say hi to me for fear of what she might say.  But I refuse my life to be worth not.  I refuse to stand before my maker and know in my heart that there was more He called me to do, but I was unwilling to sacrifice my comfort, after what He gave up for me.

So I am stepping out of the boat, both feet on the water, eyes on Him.  All I ask of you, is to pray for me, hold me accountable to the word of God and listen to my heart as I bleed for those who are unable to speak for themselves.

Did you know that every minute in this world a child is sold into slavery?  Did you know that the US is not exempt from human trafficking?  Did you know that I live less than 5 miles from the 3rd largest city in the United States for Human Trafficking?

If you want to know more, or how you can help, stay tuned to this blog and I will begin discussing different organizations and how they are fighting against Human trafficking.

“All that is required for evil to prevail is for good men to do NOTHING?” Edmund Burke.  Will you stand with me, and just do something??

How a Seed Grows

It always amazes me how something can grow so quickly.  How one day it is a small seed planted in your heart by God and the next you notice it is this huge tree that is ready to bear fruit.  I wish I could figure out when it started, but really this all started the day God decided I would be conceived.  What you ask?  The purpose of my life, what I have been placed on this earth for.  To bring freedom to those imprisoned by chains of slavery and oppression.

Psalm 82:3-4 says “Defend the cause of the week and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed.  Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.”  In June I put this verse up on my wall at home, not really sure why it spoke to me so.  Then the next few months God began to build a fire in my heart that is now to a point that I can’t not do something.  Several weeks ago I was reading the start up story for a an organization called Love146 and he gave a statistic that blew me out of my stagnation. Every year 12 million people world wide are sold into slavery.  If you break this down, it comes out to two children every minute!  WHAT, Wait a minute!  TWO CHILDREN EVERY MINUTE.  In this world are sold, kidnapped, manipulated, shamed quilted, whatever into lives of slavery.  Some into labor, most into the sex industry.  Want to know something else?  America has a big a problem as every other country.  In fact, Portland, the city I like to call home, is the 3rd largest in the nation.  As I read these facts, my heart crumbled into a million pieces.  How could I do something, How could I not.

I prayed and prayed and looked and looked for a place to serve to help.  Cause I don’t have any money to give.  But god made it clear to me where the greatest need is.  Until we all become aware of this problem it will exist and solutions will not.  So I can not be quite, I refuse to be quite any longer.  I hope this makes you uncomfortable and I hope it urges you too help.  Pay attention to my blog in the coming days and I will start giving you ways to help!

The Me I Want to Be

I started reading a new book tonight.  In fact about ten minutes ago and I am already feeling God change me through it!  The month of august was a hard one for me.  Several events that rocked my world and where I thought I was emotionally!  Lets just say, I have some issues still and I definitely need some practice when it comes to trusting good men.

Anyway the question this book asked really touched the heart of where I have been and where I feel God moving me.

In determining where you are spiritually, you should ask your self two questions.  1)Am I growing more easily discouraged these days? 2) Am I growing more easily irritated these days?  Then it goes on to say “At the core of a flourishing soul are the love of God and the peace of God.  If peace is growing in me, I am less easily discouraged.  If love is growing, I am less easily irritated.”  Wow, what an eye opener to have a measure of where I am with God that has NOTHING to do with what task I may have or may not have completed.  Brilliant!

So now to be honest, I have not been growing in love and peace: for a really, really long time.  I have been trudging along, biding my time until God blesses me with the life I want.  Little did I know God wants that for me too, and He has been whispering for me to move for a while.  I just have not liked the direction He was moving me.  This weekend, I went to the beach hoping for one of those aha moments with God.  And I had one, just not what I was looking for.  God opened the eyes of my heart to see that He just wants me to move right now.  He has laid a passion on my heart and for fear of going the wrong way, I have patiently waited (like a good Christian does right?…wrong!)  Instead He has been presenting me with options and opportunities, they just weren’t big enough for what I envision.  But the big dream that God has placed in my heart won’t happen if I don’t start to move, regardless of the direction I go in! 

The funny thing is, He doesn’t really want me to move any certain direction.  All He wants is for me to move towards Him so that His peace and love flow out of me so naturally that I can’t help but accomplish what He has.  So it no longer has to do with me being in the right place at the right time.  It is only about my dance with the Father shows the world just how amazing He truly is.

Click here to see The book I am reading.

Heart Break

Ten years ago as my 25th birthday approached I remember sitting in a counselors office crying and grieving over the reality that I had no family.  The family I was born into was in shambles, my own attempt ended in divorce, and I was desperately single from no lack of my seeking.  Somewhere along the way I had decided that all I wanted was to be a wife and a mother, and at 25 I saw that dream slipping away.  So this counselor suggested that I set a goal that was more attainable.  How bout married at 30 and having kids by 35.  I jumped at, of course that could happen, ten years oh yeah!

Jump ahead ten years later, as I sit in Insomnia grieving the same dream just ten years later.  I had met a friend for coffee and to talk about the anguish in my heart.  The loneliness I feel, and the almost desperation to have a family of my own.  The cry of my heart to be cared for, to have the details looked after so all I have to do is love.  Isn’t that what we as women long for, someone to make the plans so that we can nurture the details. 

This past weekend, I was blessed by God through a good friend of mine, who just took care of the details.  At one point, I was in a  discussion with our host about my passion to help those who suffer from sexual slavery.  In that moment I got a glimpse of what it would be like to have the details taken care of so all I had to do was love.  I liked it, in fact I loved, and I now feel empty for having to walk away from it.

So why does a God who loves me, give me a glimpse of that then make me walk away.  According to my friend, it is to grieve the loss of my dream and to “seek Agape love'”, the unconditional love of Christ.  But it doesn’t take away the emptiness in side, or the ache in my heart.  I guess from here, I am to seek His love to fill that…but why does it not seem to be enough.

Patience…yes I really am praying for it!

Yesterday as I was mulling around in my bored melancholy, I came up with a mental picture of how I feel right now.  I feel as if I am spinning my tires in a swamp of mud going nowhere, but I refuse to take my foot off the gas.  Why is that, is it really what God wants for me to be doing to try and get out myself?  Or should I let my foot off the gas and see what happens.  It didn’t feel like either answer was the right one, so I slept on it.  This morning my pastor continued his series on Galatians, it is titled Pressures Off (fitting huh!!).  Something he said was like one of those aha moments, and I realized duh, I shouldn't be driving at all!! 

One of the areas I keep trying to take the lead on is my finances.  I have done a horrible job with my money in the past and while God has taught me how to not make money and things my idol, there are consequences to my actions nonetheless.  I have wracked my brain for months trying to come up with a solution to make some extra money, to put towards bills or even go out for a movie, to no avail.  I am still trapped in the same stinking mud puddle and there is no way for me to get out quickly.  This is killing me, I feel like God has this life for me that if I had wizened up about my finances sooner I would be on my way already.  But no, I had to be my stubborn old self and refuse to listen to that small voice.  Oh if only…

So what do I do now, except fall on my knees and wait patiently at the foot of the cross for Him to move.  I know that He will, and I trust that He will, I am just tired of waiting.  I am an action girl, I am a get out there and get it done.  Which is probably why God is making me wait, so that I know beyond a doubt it is Him.  Lord I pray for your patience that through me you will move  mountains.

What a Week

To say this was a horrible week wouldn’t be the truth, because God is good and in the midst of the turmoil there was joy.  But it was a week that I soon want to forget!  I work for a company that is truly blessed by God and we are very aware of why our company is successful.  However, this week felt like we were the Israelites, lost in the desert (you know He is there but beyond that knowledge you are fighting for proof!).  Not only had we been cursed by a downturn in business, but it seemed everything was falling apart around us. 

The worst part was one of my co-workers was struggling with his computer and we had a hired a company, to remain nameless, to fix our computers.  After 6 days he was frustrated and his temper took over.  This co-worker, works upstairs and I shouldn’t be able to hear him.  However, I could hear the obscenities being screamed into the phone and things being slammed around.  I quickly reverted back to my marriage and immediately shut down emotionally.  This made the rest of my life unbearable, I wanted to curl up into a ball and never go back to work.  The ramifications of his anger began to spread through the office, until me and the shop manager were getting into it.  By the end of the day, I had nothing left.  Thankfully I was meeting a good friend for some fun and she quickly cheered me up.

Today the same thing happened with the co-worker and while I was on my walk at lunch I began to ponder my own anger.  I have a temper and I do my best to control it and as far as I know I have never yelled at anyone like that(well maybe that one time).  But boy have I wanted to!  So why would a person let their anger control them like that?  I am hypocritical to even ask.  Even though I don’t say those things, I think them and I am sure my looks can say them.  So how do I change this, or am I destined to always struggle?

Sorry I don’t have the answer…just laying it out here.

That Ache

I feel so trapped, lost in a sea of emptiness.

Aching for more than I am.

Knowing I am made for greatness,

Yet lost in the pain of who I am.

You created me for more, to live in the court of my King.

But the chains of this world wrap round me, and tie down my wings.

I long for the day when you speak, and my chains are finally gone.

I’ll soar on these wings of freedom and no longer ache to be more.

Sadness for my Freedom

There is a sadness in my heart this year as I celebrate our freedom.  I have struggled all week with what it is and this is the only thing I can think of.  I am saddened at the reality that the freedom we celebrate this weekend may soon no longer be our reality.  I sit back and I watch the politics in Washington and in this state I live in controlled by liberals and I am appalled.  I read about my brother’s and sisters in other countries, who are driven from their homes, beaten, raped and murdered; just for believing in Christ, not even preaching His name.  And then I read of a man in Michigan who is arrested, yes arrested, at a Muslim meeting for talking to Muslims about Christ.  And I weep in side.

But really I do nothing, and I feel so helpless.  I can vote in November, but truly how many people have seen the truth and will empty the House and Senate of the traitors that are there.  What can we do to stop the hemorrhage of our freedoms, signed away by our very President.  Than I open the Bible and I read of the great nation of Israel, who turned to other God’s and allowed other religions to infiltrate their own.  And God’s anger burned against them.  Some days I feel like Moses, begging for God not to destroy but knowing in my heart that we deserve it.  For centuries, we have sat back, complacent in our churches allowing the minority of our country to silently take our freedoms away.  No longer can a teacher (the modern day parent) speak to kids about right and wrong, less it lead to the bible.  No longer can our children open the day with our Pledge of allegiance, without being in fear of ‘hurting someone's feelings’, and no longer can we speak to our neighbor about the freedom of Christ without fear or reprisal that will go unpunished.

Ugh, I feel so helpless, and know not what to do, but to spend this weekend in prayer.  So whether you go to a parade, or spend time with friends and families, I ask that this weekend that we all go to our knees and thank the True God for our freedoms and unashamedly beg Him to save our nation so that we can continue to minister to the world.

Confessions of a lazy soul

Ever since my last blog, I have had this weight on me that I could not explain.  I thought it was just the final remembrance of the horrors that I saw as a police officer.  But as usual God had another reason.  This morning as I went to get my second cup of coffee I was talking to God and asking Him why this was weighing so heavy on me and he finally revealed it.  My sin in those years was not just my sexual immorality, my drunkenness or even my apathy.  It was the fact that I was in a place to do something and I did nothing.

The parents I could have helped to be better parents, the children I could have helped to have better lives, the neighborhoods I could have worked with to strengthen.  But instead I spent countless hours driving around waiting to be called instead of charging forward as a warrior should do! 

There are so many men and women that I worked with that I truly admire their courage and bravery to continue to chase down the dark forces of this world.  To work tirelessly to stop them before it happens again.  Don’t get me wrong, I did my job, I put people in jail, I even got a couple drug busts.  But, I was there for the money.  Just a job to make the ends meet and support my habits.  So I put this out there for the world to see, that I am asking for forgiveness.

I not only ask God for forgiveness but those I served and those I served with.  I could have been more and I could have helped you to be more.  For that I am truly sorry and I pray that with God’s help I have the courage and bravery to to chase down the dark forces of this world on a separate battle field.  One that is fought primarily on my knees and through my hands being the hands of Christ.  My life can not be for naught and I refuse to walk quietly to the grave.  Instead I want to slide into heaven, battered bruised and worn shouting praise God that was one hell of a ride!!

Can I bury my head in the sand?

Wow my world was rocked today and I am still reeling from a seeming less innocent conversation.  Early this week I was contacted by an attorney from Kansas City about an old case I had worked.  After a week of phone tag we finally connected during my lunch hour today.  He asked me questions and I confessed I didn’t remember the case at all.  No big deal, he would send me the report so I could read through it and see if that jogged my memory.  About an hour later the report sat in my email.  I innocently opened it thinking I was the same girl I had been, if only I had realized.  I read the Sexual Assault report and was deeply saddened by the events I read about that I am sure, destroyed this young mans life.  I emailed the attorney and told him I was sorry but I still didn’t remember the case. 

As the minutes ticked on, my stomach got very quesie and my head began to ache.  When I tried to go upstairs my legs felt like rubber weighted down by the entire world.  I sat at my desk and began to cry and suddenly realized where all this emotion had come from.  I was so emotionally shut down when I was a cop that I never felt anything for any of the victims I worked with.  But this time I felt everything.  His shame, his guilt, the agony and despair he must be facing, the fear of reporting it and then having to tell a female cop about it.  Even now 5 hours later I am numb with emotion.  As if 5 years of police work just came crashing down on my physical frame.  And I don’t know what to do with it. 

There are wolves in this world and there are days like today I remember how many.  So why did God bring this back now, and for the case to be a crime I am passionate about.  Am I just to finally process the horrors I saw or is there more to this and His timing.  I don’t know, but right now I ache with sadness for the billions of victims of sex crimes.  The devastation these crimes have on your body, mind and soul are like no other crime that man can commit against another man.  Even murder can no destroy a persons soul so wholly and completely as someone taking advantage of you sexually.  Such a perfect and wonderful thing created by a perfect and loving God, destroyed and mutilated by a sinful man.

Fire Starter

Have you ever spent any time staring into a campfire.  There are the different stages of it.  There is the beginning when the wood is all fresh and the flames are out of control.  Then as more of the wood catches fire it just seems to engulf the whole pit and rages hot for a bit (unless you have certain types of wood, then it is more smoke than fire).  Then after a certain amount of time it begins to die down and the fire master has to keep pushing it around and adding wood until you have a good steady burn going on.  Then there is my favorite stage when the coals of the fire burn brighter and hotter than the fire itself.  I can spend hours staring into the depths of those coals and watching the slow burning passion.

Ok stay with me now, there is a purpose to this!  Several years ago God gave me a passion and at first it raged and I quickly burned through any energy I had.  the passion dwindled and slowly almost seemed to fade.  Every once in a while something would push the coals around and the fire would rage for a bit and then die back down.  But it was always there, He was slowly building the fire so that I could stand the heat of His passion.  The past few months God has been pushing my coals around and adding more wood, slowly reviving this passion He has given me.  Then this last week it just began to rage inside of me, a passion, a drive an energy that I have never felt before.  The coolest thing is it isn’t dyeing down.  Because God has built a nice strong fire around it.  He has given me experience after experience that has broken my heart more and more until there was plenty of wood to burn and the coals are nice and hot now.

Each day I wake with an excitement for the day.  I wonder what He will do today.  the crazy things is most days it isn’t huge and the things that still weigh me down are still there.  But there is this passion inside of me, proof that He has  a plan for me.  I don’t know what it will look like, but I am finally enjoying the ride!

You are probably saying to yourself, “Angela what are you talking about” and I would just smile and nod.  The only thing I can say is that God has brought me to a place of true contentment.  I can’t explain it any other way.  I am happy and I have been for several days.  If you know anything about me, consistency in moods is not one of my strong points. But regardless of the road blocks Satan throws in my way, I seem to leap over them with the grace of a deer lifted by the love found only in Him.

He is the God who saves

How can a girl stand in a room full of people who love her and feel utterly alone.  How can a girl feel as if she is torn in two between who she wants to be and who she is on a daily basis.  How can goals be so close yet so far out of reach.  The solution is so simple right in front of me, but is totally and completely unattainable.  All I can do is fall at the foot of the cross and cry out His name.  I know He is there, I can feel Him all around but these emotions are destroying me from the inside out.  a continual roller-coaster that never stops.  Why try when you know tomorrow will just be the same.  Why even get up or go on when there is no end in sight, no foreseeable change?  How can one day be so full of joy and the next I can’t even get out of bed?  When did this depression seep into my bones, why now, is it just the weather, or is there more going on?  Is there a spiritual battle here that I am missing, is satan using my goals to drag me down from my potential. 

I once took this personality test that told me I have this awesome ability to see the potential people have.  However, it means I am often let down because they do not grasp for that potential out of fear or just life.  So this also means, I look in the mirror daily and see the potential that I COULD be, and I am devastated by the reality of who I am.  There are so many goals I have for my life, things I want to do, and I am weighed down by these chains.  The chain of I don’t want to firmly wraps itself around my legs.  The chain of uncontrollable emotions wraps around my waist and shackles me hands and feet.  And the chain of debt is choking off my last gasp for air and I am tired of fighting.  God I give, I am helpless to win this battle and I need your intervention.  I trust that you are the God that can move mountains and you can free me from the ever-present weight of these chains.  All I can do is lay here, I can do no other.

I MUST

Living in the Pacific Northwest is a mixed bag.  You get the horrible ugly days, the snow, the ice, the rain (in bucket loads).  But days like today are why I love this place.  I was driving home today marveling in the colors that glisten in the afternoon sun.  Delighting in the multitude of flowers that seem to have appeared over night.  And starring in awe at the indescribable blue of the sky.  In that moment I had a revelation about my walk with Him.

The winter in the NW is dark gloomy and long.  It is then prolonged by the first part of spring which the sky begins to dump unbelievable amounts of rain on the land.  During this time you can go days, weeks, even months without seeing the sun.  As the season progresses your mood gets darker and darker, until you don’t think you will ever see the sun again.  Then that first ray bursts through the cloud cover and everyone runs outside to bask in the warmth of the sun.  You can feel your mood improve, within minutes you are so happy you feel like you could run a marathon you have so much energy.  Inevitably there will be another rainy yucky day, but as you are reviling in the sun, you push all those thoughts to the back of your mind.  Then that day arrives and you no longer have the perseverance to wait for what is coming, but you cling to the hope of what is to come!  Summer!!!

This is a lot like our walk with Christ.  When He is taking me through the valleys my mood gets darker and darker until I begin to believe I will never reach the mountain top.  Then that day arrives and I feel His light burst through my depression.  I am so passionate about Him I could chase Him forever, and spend my time dancing in that Glorious light!  The first few times I didn’t think those dark days would come again, I assumed that I had reached the end and Christ was done working on me.  Man was I totally blindsided when He started working on me again.  My passion faded, I began to drag my feet in my time with Him until it was no more and I begged for Him to come just so the end would be here.  While at Saint Child I remember thinking my time there would never end and I would cling to the hope of what was to come.  When I moved out I danced on that mountain top with trepidation, worried about what came next.  The dark days did come and I longed for heaven but God has done something in my heart this week.  As I dance on the mountain top it isn’t with trepidation of the dark days, but more with the courage of a warrior.  I can feel my heart singing to my creator to make me more like Him.  I have this passion in my heart that isn’t a blazing fire that has just been lit, but a roaring fire which will last as long as I turn to him for fuel.  So with that said here is that Passion that burns inside of me.  I MUST tell the next generation of His love, mercy and grace.  I want them to know the truth of Christ and they will ONLY see that by Him living through me!

My dirty secret

I have always heard people say that if you feel like in your walk with God you are doing ok, then you need to recheck.  I believe I am learning they are right.  Over the course of the past 48 hours, God has shown me over and over how dark, disgusting, flawed and evil I truly am on the inside.  And I am repulsed by the fact that I am not sure I want to change.

There I said, I am tired of the scraping and burning and demolition that comes from Christ’s work in me.  I am saddened that I feel that I have come no closer to God than when I first found Him.  Shouldn’t I know Him better, shouldn’t I trust Him?  There have been some changes in me that is true, but the core of me is still the same.  Because I refuse to give it all to Him AND not take it back (I think that is the key).  There are many things I long for, yet I never step out of myself to go after those goals.  Why because I will fail, and being a  perfectionists means you just don’t try.  So this means I watch opportunities time and time again float by and I fail to even raise my hand to try.  What does this mean?  It means the desires of my heart will never be.  I will never be wife, because I expect perfection in a man.  I will never minister to other’s through my creativity because I wait for my work to perfect.  And the worst, is that I will never reach the multitude of teens that my heart cries out to, because I want to hide in my shell instead of be used by God.

I truly hate this about myself.  I hate that I never give myself grace, therefore making it difficult to give grace to others.  I judge myself so harshly that my judgments fling onto those around me.  And I would rather wallow in my self-pity than turn to God and allow Him full access.  I know what needs to be done, but I can’t seem to step off that cliff.  I have never had anyone there to catch me, so why should I trust He is any different.  (I Can’t believe this is coming out of mouth, or fingers!)

I think this is the most honest blog I have ever written, and I am disgusted with my self that I am even this way.  I love God and I truly do want Him to be Lord of my life, why then is it so hard to make him Lord of ALL of my life?

Jeremiah 29:11-14

I truly love being on the mountain top and this past weekend was one of those experiences.  First I took a huge faith step on Friday (well big for me anyway) and I learned how passionate and trustworthy God truly is.  Both of these have led me to a renewed love of my savior and a desire to know more about Him and what He wants for me.

On Friday, after being encouraged from several different directions, I signed up for E-Harmony.  Before I did this, I came to the realization, that it wasn’t necessarily God telling me no, but my fear of rejection that was holding me back.  So I jumped in and thankfully God caught me (like He ever doesn't!).  After taking this step, I unplugged from technology for 24 hours and went to my church’s women’s retreat. 

The theme was the Passion of the heart.  Not my heart but God’s heart, and the fact that He doesn’t just love me He passionately loves me.  Chris taught us what it means to love Him with all my Heart, Soul, Mind and Strength.  She explained that to love God with your heart is with all my emotions, including the ones I have locked away (scary right!).  To love Him with my soul is to put Him in the center of my desires, my personality, the very essence of me.  To love Him with my Mind is to love Him with all my thoughts (wow I fail here!!) and then with my strengths is to love Him with all my actions (ok another fail)! 

Of course I am a sinner and I fail miserably at all four.  But God is so amazing, He didn’t berate me He showed me instead that He is truly trustworthy and I can hold onto that promise.  During our quite time, I was reading Jeremiah 29:11-14 and I began to pray it back to him, this is what I came up with.

Lord, you will rescue me from captivity, for you are not hidden from me.  I will be found by you because I seek you with all my heart.  And you will hear me when I pray to you and call upon your name; for you have mapped out a future for that is full of hope.  I can trust you to protect me and to prosper me.  Because each day is designed by you and I am not an accident.

Through this God showed me that I was locking my emotions away from Him by not trusting Him enough to find me a husband.  I was instead relying on my defense mechanisms to continue to scare men away.  I am also hurting Him by trying to change who He has made me to be.  the funny thing about E-Harmony is it has allowed me to do that.  In the past I have been more than willing to overlook certain things in a man just because my options were so few.  But as I released this whole dating thing to God He began to show me how many passionate, God fearing SINGLE men there really are out there.  The most amazing thing as happened, I am now more secure in what I want and what I need from a mate!

God has shown me that He alone is the rock that I can stand on, the man that I can trust in, the true lover of my soul who knew me before I was conceived, and loves me completely because He has created everything in me!

Hmmm

For years I have struggled with loneliness.  A deep ache that I constantly carried around inside me, an emptiness that I though another person could feel.  I can praise the Lord and say that I no longer feel THAT loneliness.  It is a different kind of lonely that I am experiencing now.

I have a hard time saying that I am lonely, but in reality I am.  Either that or just bored I cant figure out which.  But for the first time in my life I long for an imperfect man, who won’t complete me but I hope will compliment me.  I long for a companion that I can walk this journey with.  I think the hardest thing about being single is the hope of that relationship.  If only  God would take that desire away, I could fully enjoy this time in  my life.  Or would I really?  I always like to blame something for why I don’t step out in things I enjoy.  But the truth of the matter is I am scared.

I am scared of success, I am scared of God doing AMAZING things through me!  I long for these things yet I am scared of them.  Just as I long for a companion but I am scared of the pain that comes with an imperfect relationship.  At least where I am now I can pretend that someday my life will be amazing(there I am wallowing in that good again).  However, as I dream of the future, a new day dawns.  If I don’t crawl out of the pig sty soon and quite wallowing in good, the mud may dry and I will be stuck here forever!

Do I really want great

I really feel like I have been neglecting my blog lately.  Not sure neglecting is the right word, more like avoiding!  I am really struggling with not doing the things I love to do, instead settling for brain numbing activities like TV or solitaire! 

There are so many things I love to do, exercise, cook, take pictures, create random things from scraps around the house.  I have so many great ideas in my head.  And instead of spending time getting the ideas out of my head, I try to shut off my brain and ignore them.  In a book me and some friends are reading, the author mentions giving up the good for the great.  So why is it so hard to pursue the great!  Right now I am pretty sure I would settle for mediocre.  In some areas of my life I am kind of scared of what I would settle for!  So how do you keep your focus on great, when good is so comfortable?

This seems to be a constant struggle for me.  I have everything I need at my disposal to succeed with great, but I spend day after day wallowing in the good and the busyness of life.  So where is that fed-up-state where the good is no longer enough.  I think I am getting there and I am praying it is soon, because I am getting pretty bored with good!

My thorn

A friend of mine posted this question on Facebook today and it really hit the nail on the head of what I have been struggling with. 

“How does one conquer their fear and near resentment of success; as well as stop sabotaging themselves?”

Wow, how do you do that, when your whole life you have done this.  I truly do fear success, and not just in my career, or financially but in any form.  If I didn’t have to continually fight my own self-sabotage, I would be a size two by now!!  But seriously her question led to one of my own.

Is low self-esteem, i.e. self-sabotage a sin.  I am in fact degrading what the heavenly Father has created and brought into being.  I am saying that He is big enough to make me whole and I fall back into my old patterns of self-medication with food and purchases.

So if I acknowledge it is a sin, and I release it to the Father to heal why does it seem to always come back.  It is like the thorn in my flesh.  I had to apologize to someone today because on Monday they were complimenting me on my weight loss and I wasn’t very nice about it.  My excuse, I was having a bad day and I didn’t feel good.  So, it doesn’t mean that I didn’t accomplish loosing almost 30 lbs.  But I don’t feel like I accomplished anything.  It is quite sad really, I am watching the weight creep on lb by lb and I feel powerless to stop it!  But, I’m not, so why does that voice always end!

HELP ME!!!

Truly a Good Friday!

Several months ago as I was dealing with all the emotions from leaving the house and starting a new chapter in my life I had someone approach me about sharing my testimony with a group of teenagers.  These teenagers are home-schooled and for the most part come from very grounded families, so my first thought was what could they possibly learn from me.  Then on the heels of that thought was could I even handle the emotions of giving my testimony in the midst of leaving the house.  So I agreed to pray about it.  And as God always does he opened up a day on His timing that I was off of work and could go and share, that was today.

Usually I dread giving my testimony because there is so much of it that I almost get bogged down in the details. So many God moments amidst the pain that I hate to leave anything out.  Not to mention the pain and the agony is usually so fresh that i plummet into depression after reliving that part of my life.  But this time was different, this time I was truly looking back.  I was standing on the other side of the journey I have been through and able to say I AM A NEW CREATION IN CHRIST!  What an amazing feeling!

Then to share my story and see the same feelings I was sharing reciprocated in someone’s eyes.  To have a teenager break into tears because she has found someone who understands what she feels and then to be able to look her in the eyes and promise her with surety that Christ can and WILL carry her through this pain.  There is nothing like it, after that how could God possibly bless me more!  Well, He is God, so He did!! 

We had our good Friday service at church tonight and it was more of a time of reflection.  I one corner there was a video of pictures from the movie the Passion of Christ playing.  As I approached this area so did a young girl who is very dear to me, who had never seen the passion.  So I sat down with her and we held each other as we watched images of our beaten Lord flash on the screen before us.  I could feel her shake as the images drove home for the first time the reality of what He truly suffered.  My heart broke, I was so blessed to share this with her and all I wanted to do was cover her eyes.  I wanted to protect her from the horrors of what we as humans can do to other humans.  But I restrained and in doing so, I feel this young lady grew closer to Christ tonight and I was privileged to be present for that.  What an awesome God that not only would He move in my life but He would use me to move in others.  There is nothing like it.

To finish a good work

God has really been moving in my heart this weekend.  I spent some time with friend who happens to struggle with many things that I do.  As she was sharing her struggle, my heart screamed “I do the same thing”!  I have a hard time finishing anything!!  There are times that God puts a passion in my heart, I don’t respond quick enough, and the passion slowly ebbs.  Usually my passion fails because I dont think He is big enough, or I begin to question when the road gets hard.  One of my favorite quotes right now is by George Lucas.  “You have to find something that you love enough to be able to take risks, jump over hurdles and break through the brick walls that are always going to be placed in front of you.  If you don’t have that kind of feeling for what it is you are doing, you’ll stop at the first giant hurdle.”

The thing I am most passionate about is prayer.  I feel strongly that we should be a people who pray and seek His face, especially in the world we currently live in.  Yet in my down time, I don’t pray.  Well I don’t take time out of my life to pray.  I am crazy  good at the bullet prayers, and I even throw in a few praises here and there(that way I feel even better about myself)!  This past week as I have started those bullet prayers, the Holy Spirit has shut my mouth, my mind everything.  I have no words and I feel heavily convicted that I can’t even stop what I am doing for two seconds to pray for this!  But I have yet to really head that conviction so now He is making it blatantly  clear

When I came home today this is what I read.  “So here’s what I think:  The best thing you can do right now is to finish what you started last year and not let those good intentions grow stale.  Your heart’s been in the right place all along.  You’ve got what it takes to finish it up, so go to it.  Once the commitment is clear, you do what you can, not what you can’t.  The heart regulates the hands.” 2 Cor. 8:10-13 (The Message)  Ok, ok I get it, He has gifted me with a heart and a desire for prayer and I need to start using it as the sword that it is.  So if you think of it, keep me accountable, ask me how my prayer time is, and if you want join me!

Fisher’s of Men

Since I let Christ into my heart in 2004 I have struggled with what a relationship with Christ looks like.  I was raised in an environment that was more about earning our way to heaven, than being with Christ.  Because of this there is constant tension in my life fueled by shame and guilt, that I am not doing enough to please God.  Since I gave my notice at Saint Child, this struggle has become more evident.  I even realize moments I missed because I was too busy trying to earn Jackie’s approval instead of living for God. 

This new place that I am in God has made it very apparent to me that I am just to rest.  No ministry, no serving, just leaning into Christ and letting Him do the work.  Honestly, I have NO IDEA how to live this life.  So what do I do, I beat myself up for not reading enough, not praying enough and not spending enough time with other people.  So there is always a way for me to feel guilty.  Almost like I enjoy the guilt, it is my security blanket that God is trying to replace with himself, but I won’t let him.  I cling to the last shreds just as I clung to my first blankie when I was little (I still have it in fact-here’s a picture of it).

 

I have been asking God to show me what this life looks like, and in His loving way He did.  Yesterday my boss took all of us fishing on the Columbia River.  He arranged everything, a gorgeous day, low wind conditions and even borrowed clothes so I didn’t freeze.  I spent the day looking down river and Mt. Hood and waiting for a bite.  The bite that never came!  We were on the river for 6 hours and only one fish even took a nibble at five poles (I found it quite funny, even though my co-workers didn’t).  But God used this time to teach me what it means to fish for men.

In Mark 1:17 Christ calls the first disciples by saying “come, follow Me, and I will make you fisher’s of men.”  He doesn’t say, I’ll teach you how to fish and then it is all up to you how much you catch.  He says follow me!  As the fisher in the boat, we really have no control over whether a fish takes the hook or not.  we can try fancy bait, flashy lines and even different methods of fishing-which I heard all about yesterday :)!  But in the end, all you can do is prepare you line, drop it in the water and wait.  In the meantime you have two choices:  you can fret and worry about if everything is right or two you can sit back relax and enjoy the day.  the interesting thing about the second option, is in that relaxing there is still action.  You must be prepared to catch the fish.  You have to bait the hook, put the line in the water and be ready to reel it in if a fish takes the bait.

The same holds true I believe for our life with God.  We have two choices.  We can believe that if we find just the right mix we will build the kingdom of God and lead countless souls to Christ.  Or we can sit back in the arms of the savior, rest, relax, and be ready to answer when He calls us to pick up the line.    There is a lot of trust in that second option, which leads me to question how I view God.  Is He truly the God of the universe, who has created mountains to rise from the earth, and commanded the ocean to come here and no further.  Or is He the God that I continually box in by my need for control, or by my shame and guilt that I am not doing enough?

I need Him to be the God of the universe.  Truly I need Him to be big enough to solve my problems and to save those He has called.   Because I can’t!  I am to burdened by my blankie’s that I am still holding onto!

Confession

They say that part of being forgiven for your sins is confession, first to God then to others.  I have a sin that for a long time I have confessed to God, poured my heart out and tried really hard to change.  And the consequences just get worse, and I am now at a point that I am beyond drowning in my debt. I have drowned and my only hope of survival is to cry out for help, swallow my pride and confess that I am a sinner.

Money is my God, it makes me feel safe, brings me comfort, happiness and peace.  It helps me to avoid all my other issues, like my emotional eating, and desire for approval.  I feel happy when it is near and I panic when it disappears.  I use it to make myself feel prettier, I try to buy peoples love with it (the silly thing is I don’t have to).  It makes me feel whole and complete and if I just had enough of it everything would be ok.  I wouldn’t long for a mate to hold me (I could just buy one right), I would have plenty of time to work out and be skinny, I could go wherever I wanted whenever I wanted and see all the people I love and miss.

But that is why God said you shall have no other god before Me.  Because no ‘god’ can fill that need or craving that we are trying to shove it in.  The truth is my worship of this god has brought me to this point.  I am unable to pay all my bills.  I am seeking help and almost to the point of bankruptcy.  How did I get here, by years of living above my needs, until God brought me to a realization of what I was doing.  And then it was too late.  He wants to strip me of my perfect credit score, my reliance on the $$ and bring me to a place where I have no choice but to rely on Him. 

I am there, I threw my hands up this week and I made the call.  We will see what He does with it and how it goes from here.  But I must lean into Him and trust that I will have consequences for my sin, but I am forgiven and I am a new creation in Christ.  Therefore, this sin, as any other sin, can be overcome.

The roller coaster rides again

This is truly an interesting journey I am on right now.  Definetly new ground that I have never been on.  Of course I am highly emotional but this feeling that something is pressing will not leave me.  I feel as if I CANNOT rest…even though He keeps reminding me that resting is exactly what I am to be doing.

It is amazing the things I have found to distract me and keep me busy.  An insatiable need to eat, the urge to buy everything new and decorate beyond my means, and the worst the spending time with long lost friends. (JK on the last one)  On Sunday after church I went to eat lunch with the crew at Taco Del Mar.  This is something that periodically I would take the girls to, for two reasons.  One I could hang out with my friends and two It would keep the girls entertained for about two hours!  But as I sat there, I felt myself getting antsy, like I had somewhere else to be.  But when I got home all I wanted to do was lay in bed.

I am not sure why I am recounting this, all I know is that I don’t know how I feel; and it is driving me NUTS!  I feel as if I am starving then, want to throw up once I eat.  My muscles ache for movement, but lack the energy to do anything.  Lets not even get onto my will power, it seems to have left me.  I was just talking to a friend about the constant up and down of my emotions and she asked if maybe there was something wrong with my hormones…I wish!  Unfortunately this has been the state of my emotions since I reached puberty.  If you are reading this and would like to pray for me, please pray that God helps me to find balance in my emotions, to enjoy His joy and happiness for more than a 24 hour period would be amazing!

My First Day

***I wrote the following this weekend but I was too lazy to hook into a land line to post it! :) ***

 

So here I sit, my first Saturday in my new place.  I have plans of course to go and see a movie, but those were made this morning.  I really have nothing I have to do and I am not sure how to handle it. 

All my life I have been about doing.  As long as I kept moving and kept busy it was all ok.  But I am now a new creation in Christ and I am much older, so I understand the value of rest.  Yet the tears behind this rest are new for me and I wonder what this stage of my life will bring.  What is God teaching me from this, is He always really teaching?

It was nice to lay in bed this morning and not feel that I have to get up.  No where to go and nothing to do, it is amazing how I crave these moments!  When I was younger, the thought of having nothing to do that day was a recipe for depression and feeling unloved.  However, today I sit in my chair and look out the window at the and feel the love of Christ as I stare at the beautiful view He has given me.

And I know I am wholly and completely loved!

I wrote the above yesterday and the day just got better.  There wasn’t one particular thing that stuck out, just the overwhelming feeling of being wholly and completely loved.  I have never experienced this before.  A closeness with God when things are good.  It is truly amazing!!

Déjà Vu

Last night was a surreal moment for me.  I lead a small group of single women from Westport in a book study.  Last night was on facing your fears, and face them we did.  One of the ladies broke down and was sharing from her heart.  The surreal moment was in the words that were coming from her mouth.  The cries of her heart had been the cries of mine just a few short years ago.  The desire to be with someone, and to have life under control. 

It is amazing as I get to know these women and how much all of us struggle with this desire for perfection.  Whether it be for the perfect man, or to appear perfect in our profession.  Where do we get this idea that we must be perfect.  The bible doesn’t call for perfection, nor does Christ call for us to do it all.  He created us to be in partnership with someone.  Yet the world tells us over and over and over and over what success looks like.

As I sat there last night, my heart breaking because I know her pain, I had no words for her.  Nothing to comfort her except the knowledge that I have been there, and praise for the heavenly Father that she is broken enough that He can begin to work!

Nearness

For years I have craved a relationship.  I have wanted a husband more than anything.  I always thought that this would fulfill me.  Thankfully God has been working on that part of me for a while now and I am finally to a point where I would like a husband and no I don’t want to be alone, but I know that He will not fulfill me or make me complete.  When talking to God about this subject I would always cry out to Him and ask why He couldn’t just be enough.  And I never got an answer, but I did have an interesting experience today.

Here in the Portland area I have a few friends who have found their current husbands, or possible to be husbands on EHarmony.  So with this new change in my life I have been praying to see if that is the route god wants me to take.  As I was walking today and talking to God about this I came to the realization that I just want to be with God right now.  All I want for this next month is to lean into the arms of the Father and rest in His warm embrace. 

This past year and a half I have been carried by Him but some how this is different.  I won’t be in His arms because I can not go it alone.  Instead I want to be in His arms just to feel the nearness of the King of Kings and to learn more about Him.  Cause in the end that is all that really matters.  I am sure in a month or so I will be ready to start dating, but now I am going to pursue the lover of my soul!

He is Good

It always amazes me how hard change is.  You think after so much change in my life it would get easier after a while.  The only thing that changes is the amount of control I take away from God before He gently pries it back out of my hands.  Each time I hold onto that control a little less time than the time before.  But trust me this isn’t my own strength or will.  It just seems God brings people into my life who I listen to more readily than I did before.

Like today, I called my friend Victoria and invited myself to her place for lunch.  I was just wanting to chat and hang out, I hadn’t seen her in weeks.  But the minute I walked in she began to pull the truth out of me and within minutes I was in a  puddle of tears.  It amazed me how easily she pegged how I was feeling.  Useless, as a woman who isn’t a wife and will no longer be in ministry.  Lonely that I am 34 and still longing for that mate to spend this life with.  Feeling lost in a role as a woman dependant on a truly trustworthy God.  As God used her to pull each brick out of my emotional wall, I felt the facade I had been living behind crumble.  I am a woman who desperately longs to be married.  Not for the reasons I used to, but merely for a partner, a man to tell me I am beautiful, and someone to share this journey with.  I truly don’t want my own children, and I sound selfish saying that.  But I would rather spend my life ministering to the children who are lost longing for someone to see them.  I just don’t want to do it alone.  So today was the first day I got on my knees and was real with God about my desire for a husband.  It is real, and it is not something I can pretend is merely a want.  It is a need and a desire that God has placed in me and I must trust Him to fulfill that need or take it away.  Until then, I must trust His plan for my life for He is ALWAYS good.

Why oh Why

I have just been down lately.  No particular reason, but lots of little reasons and niches for Satan to move into.  I am leaving a position that has consumed me for the past year and a half and has become my  heart.  I don’t know who I am outside of this house, what I like to do when not consumed by drama.  I may just sit and stare at the walls for weeks unaware and unable to move.  I am afraid I wont take advantage of the time God is giving me to grow closer to Him and just enjoy life for a while.  I sit in the waiting room watching the TV play its endless real hoping that who ever has the remote would just pick a channel.  Just one thought one direction would be nice.  Or would it. 

Then there is the issue of friendships between men and women.  One wrong word and it all dissolves and I seem to have lost the counsel of a good friend.  Why can you not express to someone how special they are without them taking it the wrong way, did he take it the wrong way or am I just being silly.  Who knows, communication has come to a standstill.  Truth be told I had a small crush on this man, but his friendship and the way he looks at things means more to me than a simple attraction.  If only we could just be upfront about it.  You don’t like me that way, cool, I still value your friendship, and seek the Godly counsel that you bring into my life.

Then there is all the chaos around me, new house parents, new girls, new rules, unbelievably dirty kitchen.  No wonder I am emotionally shut down.  What drives me the most insane about myself is the way I deal with it.  Instead of sitting down and writing or talking to God, I eat a bag full of cookies, or a bag of popcorn.  There is not food in particular that I crave, just not healthy and lots of it.  Then I feel disgusting for days as the work outs I put in do know good cause I sabotage myself at home.  But I refuse to give, I refuse to become a victim to my emotions.  So I will turn to God and beg of Him to remove this old pattern and replace it with new.  Help me to process these STUPID emotions He gave me and not eat my way into oblivion!

On a completely different note, here is a picture of the new house mom Cindy and my new friend Penny!

Penny is one of the highlights of my day!  It is so much fun having a dog in the house again!

What a woman wants?

What does it mean to feel loved?  What does it mean to be content?  Can you be content as a woman loved only by the savior?  Some days I think so, days like today my flesh and my heart cry out for a man.  I could go on and on about the things I long for.  But what it boils down to is I want to know I am desirable.  I want to hear a man call me beautiful and see how he feels about me in his eyes.  Do men long for the same thing from a woman?  Or is this just something women long for?  Why can’t God be enough? 

Today was a rough day, no reason in particular.  Just sad again and longing for companionship.  Someone who would call me and want to hear my voice.  Who longs to be near me and might make me feel like I am alive.  It has been so long since I have dated, I am almost afraid to put myself out there for fear I would jump on the first man that came along.

So I have been praying and asking God to show me what I want in a man.  There are lots of little things I would like, but most of them aren’t deal breakers.  The biggest thing, is he has to lead me spiritually.  I have to know that I can trust him to be chasing after Christ, so that as I follow him I am following Christ.  Next he has to respect me and look at me as a friend.  A companion to travel through life together and chase after adventures with.  Last but not least he has to love me and cherish me ( is that too much to ask).

Fleeting Moments

Have you ever had one of those days that you just don’t feel right?  When people ask how you are doing, you respond great.  But somewhere deep inside you are just unsettled. 

For all intents and purposes I am doing great.   God is good and I know and trust He has a plan for me, so what is unsettling me?  Is it the unknown that is throwing me?  The dirty kitchen that is throwing me back into old patterns?  The stress of boss who has checked out on me but accuses me of being a short-timer?  Or the fact that come March 1st I have NO clue where I will be living or who I will be living with.  I could continue, but I think I see a pattern here.  I am worrying about things I can’t control.  Wow there is something new, NOT!

Why is it when I trust God to have a plan for me, I can’t rest in that trust.  I went on a walk this afternoon after work and let God do a little talking to me.  Some of it was about a promise that I felt Him make to me two years ago.  In that promise He revealed His time frame to me of two years.  Now that His time frame is almost up, I am tired of waiting.  Its like the last 30 minutes of my tattoo (it took 3 hours).  I had endured the pain for 2 1/2 hours but I had run out of patience, I was done.  Now that I am at the end of my race here at the house I am just done!

I have a month left and we have four girls here.  Four precious girls that fill the house with giggles and fun.  I missed that.  I find myself falling in love with each one of them, and being grateful for the privilege to know them.  But my heart breaks that I only have a month with them.  I worry that the next RA won’t care about them the way I do.  I worry that God isn’t big enough to help me through this!  Silly girl, I know!

When I turned the corner around my house after my walk, God’s promise to me was spread across the sky.  A beautiful sunset to remind me that every day ends but tomorrow will begin.  My time here at the house has to end some time and it is God’s timing for me to leave soon.  But tomorrow will come and He will be with me tomorrow.

My time with these girls is slipping away, but the joy and the memories will always remain.

Mile Post

This is my new tattoo!!  It is a butterfly breaking free from chains with the symbol for the trinity behind her and the verse 2 Corinthians 3:17 “Where the spirit of the Lord is there is freedom” under her. 

Most people will be shocked to see this tattoo and others who are even very close to me did not know I was going.  For several months I have been thinking about a tattoo.  Something to chronicle this past stage in my life with Christ.  I thought long and hard asked others what they thought and threw out ideas I had about Peter walking on the water and what not.  However, I never had a clear vision of what I wanted.  Well about a month ago I was talking to my friend Victoria and she asked “have you prayed about it”…uhm no!!!  So I did and God gave me the vision of what you see above.  This tattoo was my hardest though (its my fourth), since it is very visible on my forearm.  But not just for the visible qualities but because I have to stand up to several people in my life and say “this is who I am, please stop trying to conform me to your image!”  My whole life has been spent trying to fit in to whatever scene I happened to be a part of.  I bought clothes because they were what I was supposed to wear not what I wanted to wear.  I listened to music that was socially acceptable and I certainly didn’t get tattoos that couldn't be hidden.  This tattoo doesn’t only represent the chains of sin that God broke me free from but it also represents me becoming the woman Christ has created me to become.  I am a woman who loves tattoos, rock and roll, blue jeans and t-shirts and getting my hands dirty.  I do not like wearing dresses or anything frilly.  I wear make-up to make me feel better about myself, not to draw your attention to me and I love who I am.  I love a good hard rock song that you just have to bang your head to.  I love skateboarders and the ability that so many exude!  I love to run and get dirty.  But what I love the most is now that I accept me, I am more accepting of others and more accepting of others love!

Insignificant Life

The recent earthquake in Haiti has haunted me as I am sure it has haunted everyone who has seen the pictures.  As I watch the world rush to respond to this tragedy, I wonder why it takes something like this for humans to respond.  We are all aware of the plight of those in third world countries.  Yet, 24 hours before this tragedy the American people were more concerned with Health Care and American Idol than the millions of children world wide who are orphaned.

Then on top of it, at a time when the news media could be covering how all these Christian organizations were the first to respond and spread the love of Christ.  The media gets to focus on the idiot Pat Robertson who wants to shoot off his mouth about how they deserved this.  Sounds like Katrina all over again.  This got me to thinking about the balance of Grace and Truth.  When I read through the New Testament I can’t find a time that Jesus, kicked trounced and pounded a person who was down.  When He spoke truth it was too those who thought they didn’t need grace and when He gave grace was to those who already knew the truth all to well. 

In ‘The Grace and Truth Paradox’ Randy Alcorn says this about the disciples after Christ’s ascension.  “Truth was the food they ate and the message they spoke.  Grace was the air they breathed and the life they lived.”  They weren’t busy preaching to the third world countries about some pact their ancestors may have made with the devil, they were the first ones on the plane, and the first ones on their knees praying the God would move mightily and He would bring good out of this horrible situation.

As I thought about this today and became angry at Pat Robertson, God convicted me of the same sin on a different scale.  One of the girls living at Saint Child right now has been under my skin since day one.  Since I got back from my trip I have had very little patience with her and NO Grace.  So I have been all truth and discipline with her and very little grace.  So here and now I confess my sin before God and ask forgiveness (yes I already apologized to her) and I pray that I finish out the next six weeks as if I am working for God and not myself.

Side Note:  I took my camera with me to the coffee shop to get a picture to go with this, couldn’t find anything….bummer.  I did have a fun chat with Em!!

A new day

Today I was thinking about the update email I needed to send out to everyone about my job here at Saint Child and I realized I hadn’t been posting since my trip to Kansas.  It led me down a trail that brought me to the conclusion that when I need to write the most I don’t.  Writing allows me to pull those thoughts out of my brain that I might not admit otherwise!  So when I am struggling I don’t write because what I am thinking scares me. 

An example would be when I got back from Kansas I knew I was done, that I am burned out with my work here at the house.  But I didn’t want to write about it.  Why cause I didn’t want to admit to myself that I was done.   Even through all this, my emotional tantrums that I throw and the depression that always follows God is forever faithful.  In the midst of this, He opened a door and said, “my beloved, I knew this day would come before you were even born and I have been preparing the road I wish you to take”.  Well of course I ran through that door!

The next morning I was preparing for work at the ungodly hour of 8am (I know I am going to have to get used to it again) and God gave me the most beautiful gift.  A sunset colored with dark amber reds and light pinks, oranges that seemed to burst from atop the trees, covered by a dark sea of blue.  It was more than my camera could ever capture but try I did.

 

And as I played with my new camera in the morning light, I heard Him sing to me, “today is a new day my love, enjoy me!”  And I did!

Waiting or Moving on

That is the question…for most of my life right now.  I am once again at a crossroads of sort.  Another one of those paths God has taken me down.  Will the road continue this direction or does he have a sharp right or left in mind.  Part of me hopes that he plans on switching courses, I am not sure this is what I want to do the rest of my life.  Days like today when I am having to give up my life and what I want to serve Him makes me wonder.  Shouldn't it be willing and not such a struggle. 

The only thing I know for sure is that I love this ministry and I love serving God.  I am just tired.  Tired of the eternal conflict, the unknowns that are more constant than my daily bread, tired of not having a partner to lean on when the road gets rough.  Why does it always come back to that.  Is it really any easier with a partner or just more complicated…the grass is always greener right!  

I do know that I love Saint Child, saving babies and changing lives and I want to be a part of it.  But I am not sure living with these girls is what God has called me to.  I feel so selfish with my time, and am constantly trying to hold onto who I am and it just doesn't fit!  Or does it and I just need to let go.  Ugh…I hate this place and it feels like I have been here a lot in the past two years.  Will ever be out of this place or is it constant in the walk with God!

A bright point …my picture of the day!

My beautiful niece…I miss her soo much!