Friday, August 6, 2010

Heart Break

Ten years ago as my 25th birthday approached I remember sitting in a counselors office crying and grieving over the reality that I had no family.  The family I was born into was in shambles, my own attempt ended in divorce, and I was desperately single from no lack of my seeking.  Somewhere along the way I had decided that all I wanted was to be a wife and a mother, and at 25 I saw that dream slipping away.  So this counselor suggested that I set a goal that was more attainable.  How bout married at 30 and having kids by 35.  I jumped at, of course that could happen, ten years oh yeah!

Jump ahead ten years later, as I sit in Insomnia grieving the same dream just ten years later.  I had met a friend for coffee and to talk about the anguish in my heart.  The loneliness I feel, and the almost desperation to have a family of my own.  The cry of my heart to be cared for, to have the details looked after so all I have to do is love.  Isn’t that what we as women long for, someone to make the plans so that we can nurture the details. 

This past weekend, I was blessed by God through a good friend of mine, who just took care of the details.  At one point, I was in a  discussion with our host about my passion to help those who suffer from sexual slavery.  In that moment I got a glimpse of what it would be like to have the details taken care of so all I had to do was love.  I liked it, in fact I loved, and I now feel empty for having to walk away from it.

So why does a God who loves me, give me a glimpse of that then make me walk away.  According to my friend, it is to grieve the loss of my dream and to “seek Agape love'”, the unconditional love of Christ.  But it doesn’t take away the emptiness in side, or the ache in my heart.  I guess from here, I am to seek His love to fill that…but why does it not seem to be enough.