Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Will you pray with me?

Today has been one of those days. 

I had a great run yesterday morning and again today.  As I got to work my mind decided I was going to be hungry all day. Truth be told I was hungrier yesterday than I have been today. But all morning, my mind has gone over and over ways to get extra food.  I even planned on going to Fred Meyers at lunch to get something additional (unhealthy of course), as I always do when this fear overwhelms me.

But as I warmed up my lunch the Spirit finally got through!

'Wait, I'm not hungry?'

I was hungry, ready for lunch of course.  But I was not ravenous. 

Then it dawned on me; I'm not afraid of going hungry, I just hate the feeling of being hungry.

Do I hear you say “but it is the same thing”?  Not for me it isn’t.  I remember what that hollow emptiness feels like as you try to make it through class in the afternoon.  I remember trying to go to sleep as hunger gnawed at my insides. Oh yes, I remember what that hollow pit, and I will do anything to avoid it.

So I overeat.

I ALWAYS have food on me.  I

It overwhelms me if I don’t.  This fear, gnawing at my insides.  Anything is better than that hollow pain…right?

This chain of fear is wrapped around my throat cutting off all oxygen and sanity.  Yet I am choosing to believe that I can overcome this fear as long as I have Him.  So instead of racing to Freddie's I am on my knees, begging the Spirit to fill this void and let this fear haunt me no more.

  Will you pray with me?

Thursday, January 19, 2012

My Deepest Fear

Yesterday, I was driving a friends truck to run an errand at lunch.  As I distractedly pulled out of my parking space, I came head to head with another car and had to slam on my brakes.  Luckily avoided a small fender bender and started back to work.  However,  I realized I was quite timid when trying to pull into traffic.  So I started to ponder fear in my life and how I react to it.  More specifically how often does fear keep from doing something I love or have been called to do?

If I am being honest, fear holds me back more than I ever want to admit.  Even as a small child I was motivated by fear.  I was a 'good kid’ merely because having someone yell at me terrified me to the point of tears.  Later in my marriage I wasn’t afraid of what my husband would do, but of the unknown possibilities if I left.  As a police officer, I would hide in my car on slow nights for fear if I could handle the situation or not.  Even when I came to Christ nothing changed, shouldn’t it have.  After all a spirit of fear is not from God and I am now a child of His.

Oh how I wish it was that simple.

Truth be told, I wrestle more with fear now than in the past.  The bright side of this struggle is that the fear no longer Lords over me because I do wrestle with it.  I look at it, acknowledge it and try to release it to God.  The fears same fears haunt me on a daily basis.  One wrong move and BAM I am staring my old friend in the face again. 

Every day I fear what I do is not enough for the Grace I have been given. 

I fear that I will say or do something that will cause someone to reject me. 

My biggest fear though, is such a simple one, but one I can't seem to release.  I fear that there won't be food for me to eat at my next meal and if I find something I like I will devour it.  Not because I am hungry or even to fill an emotional void.  Merely because I can and the thought of being hungry consumes me.

When I say consume, I mean consume.  There are days I can think of nothing else.  My stomach will hurt I am so full, yet I fear there may not be food next time, so I will have another serving.

I have made giant leaps against this foe.  For example, I no longer hoard food.  I choose to eat healthy more often than not.  However, fear grips my heart on a daily basis that I may feel even the slightest twinge of hunger.  The comfort of the known, leaves me at the end of my rope refusing to let go.  What if I let go and He doesn’t catch me.

The most frustrating part of where I am right now is I know that if I let go I will fall into his arms and drown in the grace and mercy of my Lord. 

I know I will emerge from the waters of His love stronger in my faith and more like Him than before.

But I don 't KNOW what that journey looks like.  So out of fear I cling to my misery…God help me.

What a mess I am...thankfully it is beautiful mess.

Is there a fear that you cling to regardless of how faithful He is?