Friday, May 14, 2010


Living in the Pacific Northwest is a mixed bag.  You get the horrible ugly days, the snow, the ice, the rain (in bucket loads).  But days like today are why I love this place.  I was driving home today marveling in the colors that glisten in the afternoon sun.  Delighting in the multitude of flowers that seem to have appeared over night.  And starring in awe at the indescribable blue of the sky.  In that moment I had a revelation about my walk with Him.

The winter in the NW is dark gloomy and long.  It is then prolonged by the first part of spring which the sky begins to dump unbelievable amounts of rain on the land.  During this time you can go days, weeks, even months without seeing the sun.  As the season progresses your mood gets darker and darker, until you don’t think you will ever see the sun again.  Then that first ray bursts through the cloud cover and everyone runs outside to bask in the warmth of the sun.  You can feel your mood improve, within minutes you are so happy you feel like you could run a marathon you have so much energy.  Inevitably there will be another rainy yucky day, but as you are reviling in the sun, you push all those thoughts to the back of your mind.  Then that day arrives and you no longer have the perseverance to wait for what is coming, but you cling to the hope of what is to come!  Summer!!!

This is a lot like our walk with Christ.  When He is taking me through the valleys my mood gets darker and darker until I begin to believe I will never reach the mountain top.  Then that day arrives and I feel His light burst through my depression.  I am so passionate about Him I could chase Him forever, and spend my time dancing in that Glorious light!  The first few times I didn’t think those dark days would come again, I assumed that I had reached the end and Christ was done working on me.  Man was I totally blindsided when He started working on me again.  My passion faded, I began to drag my feet in my time with Him until it was no more and I begged for Him to come just so the end would be here.  While at Saint Child I remember thinking my time there would never end and I would cling to the hope of what was to come.  When I moved out I danced on that mountain top with trepidation, worried about what came next.  The dark days did come and I longed for heaven but God has done something in my heart this week.  As I dance on the mountain top it isn’t with trepidation of the dark days, but more with the courage of a warrior.  I can feel my heart singing to my creator to make me more like Him.  I have this passion in my heart that isn’t a blazing fire that has just been lit, but a roaring fire which will last as long as I turn to him for fuel.  So with that said here is that Passion that burns inside of me.  I MUST tell the next generation of His love, mercy and grace.  I want them to know the truth of Christ and they will ONLY see that by Him living through me!

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

My dirty secret

I have always heard people say that if you feel like in your walk with God you are doing ok, then you need to recheck.  I believe I am learning they are right.  Over the course of the past 48 hours, God has shown me over and over how dark, disgusting, flawed and evil I truly am on the inside.  And I am repulsed by the fact that I am not sure I want to change.

There I said, I am tired of the scraping and burning and demolition that comes from Christ’s work in me.  I am saddened that I feel that I have come no closer to God than when I first found Him.  Shouldn’t I know Him better, shouldn’t I trust Him?  There have been some changes in me that is true, but the core of me is still the same.  Because I refuse to give it all to Him AND not take it back (I think that is the key).  There are many things I long for, yet I never step out of myself to go after those goals.  Why because I will fail, and being a  perfectionists means you just don’t try.  So this means I watch opportunities time and time again float by and I fail to even raise my hand to try.  What does this mean?  It means the desires of my heart will never be.  I will never be wife, because I expect perfection in a man.  I will never minister to other’s through my creativity because I wait for my work to perfect.  And the worst, is that I will never reach the multitude of teens that my heart cries out to, because I want to hide in my shell instead of be used by God.

I truly hate this about myself.  I hate that I never give myself grace, therefore making it difficult to give grace to others.  I judge myself so harshly that my judgments fling onto those around me.  And I would rather wallow in my self-pity than turn to God and allow Him full access.  I know what needs to be done, but I can’t seem to step off that cliff.  I have never had anyone there to catch me, so why should I trust He is any different.  (I Can’t believe this is coming out of mouth, or fingers!)

I think this is the most honest blog I have ever written, and I am disgusted with my self that I am even this way.  I love God and I truly do want Him to be Lord of my life, why then is it so hard to make him Lord of ALL of my life?

Monday, May 3, 2010

Jeremiah 29:11-14

I truly love being on the mountain top and this past weekend was one of those experiences.  First I took a huge faith step on Friday (well big for me anyway) and I learned how passionate and trustworthy God truly is.  Both of these have led me to a renewed love of my savior and a desire to know more about Him and what He wants for me.

On Friday, after being encouraged from several different directions, I signed up for E-Harmony.  Before I did this, I came to the realization, that it wasn’t necessarily God telling me no, but my fear of rejection that was holding me back.  So I jumped in and thankfully God caught me (like He ever doesn't!).  After taking this step, I unplugged from technology for 24 hours and went to my church’s women’s retreat. 

The theme was the Passion of the heart.  Not my heart but God’s heart, and the fact that He doesn’t just love me He passionately loves me.  Chris taught us what it means to love Him with all my Heart, Soul, Mind and Strength.  She explained that to love God with your heart is with all my emotions, including the ones I have locked away (scary right!).  To love Him with my soul is to put Him in the center of my desires, my personality, the very essence of me.  To love Him with my Mind is to love Him with all my thoughts (wow I fail here!!) and then with my strengths is to love Him with all my actions (ok another fail)! 

Of course I am a sinner and I fail miserably at all four.  But God is so amazing, He didn’t berate me He showed me instead that He is truly trustworthy and I can hold onto that promise.  During our quite time, I was reading Jeremiah 29:11-14 and I began to pray it back to him, this is what I came up with.

Lord, you will rescue me from captivity, for you are not hidden from me.  I will be found by you because I seek you with all my heart.  And you will hear me when I pray to you and call upon your name; for you have mapped out a future for that is full of hope.  I can trust you to protect me and to prosper me.  Because each day is designed by you and I am not an accident.

Through this God showed me that I was locking my emotions away from Him by not trusting Him enough to find me a husband.  I was instead relying on my defense mechanisms to continue to scare men away.  I am also hurting Him by trying to change who He has made me to be.  the funny thing about E-Harmony is it has allowed me to do that.  In the past I have been more than willing to overlook certain things in a man just because my options were so few.  But as I released this whole dating thing to God He began to show me how many passionate, God fearing SINGLE men there really are out there.  The most amazing thing as happened, I am now more secure in what I want and what I need from a mate!

God has shown me that He alone is the rock that I can stand on, the man that I can trust in, the true lover of my soul who knew me before I was conceived, and loves me completely because He has created everything in me!