Sometimes when I read the bible, I really wish it was a little more emotional. I know I serve an emotional God, so why does His word seem so factual sometimes. Last night I stumbled upon Abram’s call to “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you” and Abram’s response was so simple; he went. He didn’t argue with God about leaving His family. he didn’t whine ‘why me’, or say ‘why not send someone else’. He just went.
My heart aches to have that kind of devotion to God, such single minded focus that I would just go. No questions, no second guessing, no envy of those who haven’t been called, no anger at having been called. Yes, as ashamed as I am to admit it all those nasty emotions are whirling inside of me right now. I feel like such a selfish brat lost in the depression of being single, the thorn that constantly ravages my heart.
Never have I been more suited for where I feel God leading me to go. I have never felt more passionate about what a people group is doing. But it doesn’t change the reality of my sinful heart. Deep down inside me I am excited to go, but I just can’t seem to stop focusing on the negative side of things. My heart longs to be married and I feel as if this is a death sentence to that dream (I know that is silly-but it is how I feel).
Lord may the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you oh God of Jacob. I long to be free from the chains of this envy, to let go of the anger that covers the fear and disappointment. I want to once again fly in the freedom of your embrace, to love you with all that I am.