Sometimes when I read the bible, I really wish it was a little more emotional. I know I serve an emotional God, so why does His word seem so factual sometimes. Last night I stumbled upon Abram’s call to “Go from your country, your people and your father’s household to the land I will show you” and Abram’s response was so simple; he went. He didn’t argue with God about leaving His family. he didn’t whine ‘why me’, or say ‘why not send someone else’. He just went.
My heart aches to have that kind of devotion to God, such single minded focus that I would just go. No questions, no second guessing, no envy of those who haven’t been called, no anger at having been called. Yes, as ashamed as I am to admit it all those nasty emotions are whirling inside of me right now. I feel like such a selfish brat lost in the depression of being single, the thorn that constantly ravages my heart.
Never have I been more suited for where I feel God leading me to go. I have never felt more passionate about what a people group is doing. But it doesn’t change the reality of my sinful heart. Deep down inside me I am excited to go, but I just can’t seem to stop focusing on the negative side of things. My heart longs to be married and I feel as if this is a death sentence to that dream (I know that is silly-but it is how I feel).
Lord may the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you oh God of Jacob. I long to be free from the chains of this envy, to let go of the anger that covers the fear and disappointment. I want to once again fly in the freedom of your embrace, to love you with all that I am.
I'm offended. ;)
ReplyDeleteHave you heard the interpretation that Peter's (or was it Paul?) thorn was his mother-in-law? I heard a whole study on it once. Not to make light of your situation, but I hope it at least made you smile.
I keep saying grass is always greener and that it is definitely a lie that moving to India is death to any dream. God doesn't fit in that box. :)
ReplyDeleteBut the ache is still real...and it still STINKS! But we do serve a MIGHTY God!
OH and p.s. you don't know if Abram had any of those emotions....it only seems like he didn't because it wasn't recorded ... it wasn't recorded because that's not the focus God wanted. Look at the rest of his life where he did his best to take matters into his own hands at least 4 other times!? And you DO have that kind of faith ... cuz you went and you're open to going now. :) LOVE YOU!