Saturday, November 28, 2009


What do you think of when you think of Thanksgiving day?  The turkey, the cranberries (yumminess), friends, family.  Holidays for me are really nothing special.  I always long for them to be something but they are never what I envision.  However, This Thanksgiving was one of the best I have ever experienced.  It was a very low key day spent with a family that I have grown to love as my own, and they love me in return.  I believe what made this Thanksgiving so much better is the lesson God has recently taught me.  The lesson of forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to feel loved.

Several months ago God revealed a truth to me that was life altering.  My fear of rejection kept me from living my life but also kept me from allowing others to love me.  In the Gospels Jesus says that we are to love our neighbors as ourselves.  I have no problem loving others and showing compassion to those who don't often deserve it.  However, I do not give myself the same grace and compassion.  Love is a two way street, you can only love as much as you feel loved.  God shows me the beauty He has created in others but also the beauty He has created in side of me.  But my fear of being hurt kept me from truly seeing all that God was showing me.  Those who know me well know that I struggle with a low self esteem.  5 years ago when I came to Christ I couldn't even look myself in the eyes without complete disgust.  Today is another story. 

So this Thanksgiving I am thanking God for His grace and mercy.  Without it yesterday would have just been another day.  Instead I spent the day surrounded by those who love me and I could truly enjoy their love.  What an amazing God HE truly is!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Days like today….

Days like today are the ones that make me want to stuff my head in the sand and pretend it will all go away.  Unfortunately I have been to much of that lately and it all caught up to me.  I have noticed in the past week that people ask me how I am doing and I say ok or fine…pause…then fine or ok again.  Not wanting to admit that I am really freaking out.  I feel like I am adrift at sea and I am surrounded by a hurricane.  The blessing in all of this is I am wrapped in the arms of the Savior so I have an unreal peace through all of this.  But it doesn't change the fact that I am adrift in the eye of  a hurricane and only God knows where I will end up.

Times like this are very hard for me.  I am such a control freak, if I could I would plan out every small detail of the next 10 years and a few details for the 10 after that.  the funny thing about that statement is I hate to be too planned.  I love being spontaneous and taking off on a new adventure with no idea of what is ahead.  It is just scary.  There it is, the unknown is frightening.  Will I have be in the same house in 6 months or is God moving me some where else.  Can I really settle in here and make friendships, what if I have to move again?  Why does it always seem I am saying goodbye to someone.  And after the goodbye I find myself alone on my couch crying to myself(sorry brief pity party there!)  Why is it so hard to make friends after preschool?  Why cant we all be like we are when we are four and be best friends with someone after having met them five minutes ago? 

The only answer I hear is SIN.  All of this is the result of sin in this world, in my life and in others lives.  I long for the day when sin no longer affects my life.  When I can meet face to face with my savior and spend lifetimes listening to him explain all the wonderful things He has done.  It is truly amazing watching Him work in this world, shining His way through our thick clouds of sin to reach deep into our hearts and bless us in ways we didn’t even know was possible.  but it doesn't change the fact that I long for this life to be no more and heaven to be our only reality.  To longer read in the news that millions of babies were killed today either in battle or through abortion.  I don’t know what God is doing in me but I feel a passion that grows stronger and stronger each day for the unborn child, for the innocent victim who has no voice in the crimes that are committed against them.  For god’s children who are abused, neglected, murdered or forsaken every day.

Monday, November 23, 2009

A Fourth Kind

Wow I just walked out of this movie (A Fourth Kind) about 30 minutes ago and there is so much running through my mind.  This movie is about possible alien abductions.  However, as I sat through the movie I a was appalled how this ‘Christian” woman so quickly jumped to  aliens.  As I watched the film and the learned the fact she did, I saw demonic oppression.  It amazes me that we as humans will make up anything we can just to keep from believing in God or a spiritual realm.  I feel like I could vomit at the depravity of our culture that we are drawn to evil and our curiosity is wasted on searching out evil.  When kids walk away from the church they dabble in the spiritual realm as if it is not real.  Is this because we as Christians don't talk about it?

When I was in the 8th grade someone put a a Frank Peretti book in my hands.  It was called “This Present Darkness”.  To this day this book scares me cause of how real it makes the spiritual realm and how it interacts with out lives.  But angels and demons are real.  daily we are attacked by demons trying to distract us and draw us away from God.  Just this past month I have allowed distraction to draw me away from God.  A friend questioned why following God we have to give up things that give us ‘joy’, if God supposedly loves us and wants us to have joy.  The things in question in my life are some of my favorite movies.  Since I wasn't a believer all my life I have many movies that I probably shouldn't watch anymore.  But i keep them, since I don't want to die to myself and give them up.  However, God brought a wonderful angel along side me today who reminded me that we are called to die to ourselves.  This dying of ourselves is a slow and continual process.  When I came to Christ I had loads of movies that I have since parted with, but some of my favorite I still carry around( even though I don't watch them, cause I know I shouldn't).  Most of these are action movies, with men who rescue a damsel in distress(and are usually shirtless a few times throughout the flick).  On a routine basis I don’t allow myself to witch chick flicks.  For me they just give me false hope and just lead to unhealthy daydreams.  However, God has opened my eyes today to see that these action movies can do the same thing.  It has to do with my heart of why I like the movie.  DO I watch the movie because Will Smith looks amazing shirtless running down the street, or do I like it for the carnage and absolute disregard for human life?  Or is there a good moral plot to the movie(most are a resounding NO on this one).  Do we accept how much movies affect our thinking?  Do we consider this when going to movies?  I try to but chose to ignore the Holy Spirit telling me no…guess I should have listened.


I've had a lot on my mind lately.  Its ranged from questions about God, to why this world is so screwed up.  It seems like every where I go and the things I see are just out of control.  Most days it is hard for me to remember that God is in control.  Right now there are a lot of unknowns in my life lately and normally I don't handle it very well.  However, I am managing to go about my days as if I was actually in control of something.  God is amazing in the way he provides for every little thing I need.  Whether it be rest, food, laughter, joy, sadness or just love.

Last week was really hard for me.  Cami one of the girls in the house left to return to Colorado.  It was a good move and time for her to go, but I didn't want to let her go.  Not for her but for me.  She is a lot like me and we enjoy a lot of the same things so it was fun to just hang out with her and be more of myself than I am normally.  However, her influence in my life brought a lot of questions that I am still struggling with.  Like where is the balance between in the world but not of.  For example I LOVE rock and roll, and it is really hard to find good Christian bands that play the music I like.  So is it wrong to listen to this music?  I don't think so.  Over the past few weeks I have allowed myself to listen to some of my old music and some of the radio stations in the Portland area that I like.  The struggle for me has not been the actual music but the announcers and the commercials.  One air show has three people on it that totally crack me up.  But one of the guys is gay, so I really disagree with some of the topics that come of.  Of course i just change the channel when they go that way (well sometimes, I have to admit that even though I don't agree sometimes I is really stinkin funny!).  But even if I change the channel, or don't by even listening to that station at all, am I condoning that sort of behavior or am I just being judgmental.

Being a follower of God is so hard.  He is a very black and white God when it comes to sin but we have to live in the gray areas of life.  So how do we navigate this without blaspheming the Holy Spirit but still being true to who we are.  I fully believe God allowed me to live the life I did previous to my conversion.  And that life created the person I am today, so who does God want me to be.  A lot of the time I feel like I am trying to fit into a circle mold but I'm not even a square, not sure what I am.  I judge myself and others by this preconceived standard that I don't even know where it comes from.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Anger or Fear

Wow I am angry and I have been for a while.  Usually it takes a lot to set me off or even get me mad.  But, for the past several days the littlest things have made me see red.  I have tried the usual solution to solving my anger (talking to God).  But I cant seem to quiet the rage long enough to hear Him answer.  I go to my knees to talk to Him but it isn't out of a desire to hear Him but desperation for the anger to go away. 

For weeks this fire has been smoldering but the incident at Ft. Hood last week has set the timber to blaze.  Usually when I am upset I can cope by journaling, talking to a friend, or going for a run.  Today I went for a walk and while I was ranting and raving about what I was mad about, I heard this tiny voice ask me “so what are you scared of?”  This just made me more angry, ‘me scared you have got to be kidding me, I am one tough cookie what could I possibly be scared of’.  But as I thought about this some more I reluctantly admitted, I am scared, actually I’m terrified.  Each day, I read the news, or hear something on the radio about our country and the decisions our government is making on my behalf.  I hate what I see going on around me.  Young girls told its ok to use their bodies as sex objects and if you happen to create a life in the process just get rid of it.  A generation that feels they are entitled to a life of luxury and shouldn't have to work for it (and yes I am included in that generation-just ask my parents).  A couple weeks ago I was ready to charge into the world as if I was chasing a lion and had the power to take it.  Today that lion stopped and turned and I forgot how big my God is.  I feel like I am standing in a burning building screaming “fire, fire” and people look at me like I have lost my mind and continue running in. 

So what my anger or my fear boils down to is I have asked God what He wants for my life and He is answering.  I know that God has a plan for my life and that each day is another building block in what He is doing, but sometimes I want to be a spoiled child and give His gift back.  Throw a tantrum and say this isn't what I asked for and kick and scream till He gives me that life I have always wished for.  But that is not what being a lion chaser means.   A lion chaser doesn't stop chasing the lion because it sees him coming.  Just a a Christian doesn't stop doing what God has called them to because Satan finally took noticed.  So what do I do when I want the best that God has for my life but I see the costs laid out before me.

PRAY…and picture His hands and the holes in them.  He may ask of me, but it is nothing in comparison to what He did for me.

Saturday, November 7, 2009


Why does life have to be so hard?  Today was a horrible rotten no good day.  As always I was cruising through life going through my daily routine when I heard the news that there had been a shooting at Ft. Hood in Texas.  I fell apart and felt so helpless to do anything.  One of my dearest cousins is stationed at Ft. Hood, and I was soon to find out he had been in the same building as the shooting.  Thankfully as I write this he is home with his wife and children, safe and unharmed. 

Then, as I made it to the safety of my home the world crumbled some more.  I wont go into the details of this one but I ended the day crying uncontrollably on my knees before God.  Angry at Him that bad things happen, that there is pain in this world and that I have to watch as those I love are harmed.  Then as I talked to one of the girls, imparting my vast knowledge (can you hear the sarcasm…I hope so), that you can’t control other people’s decisions, a lead weight fell on my heart.  The reality of my anger, my fear, my sadness and my anxiety, is that I have no control over the decisions others make.  I cant make people choose the right decision, I cant force them to see what I see.  In reality all I can do is pray, I say that like its my last option because most times it is my last option.  But we are only as strong as our link to God.  And mine lately hasn't been very strong.  I have a tendency to rely on my own strength and knowledge to try and solve the problems.  I don't draw into His strength and His power that He has available for me.  Instead, I rely on my own strength until I am too tired to stand and I am forced to my knees in complete submission begging Him to help me.  And I always hear Him whisper “I was here all along”.