My weight pushes down
sand squishes between my toes.
Footprint after Footprint
Gone before I can turn my head
My weight pushes down
Life squishes around me
Moment after moment
Gone before I can turn my head.
Old man winter’s breath escapes his lungs,
The lady of Spring lies expectantly in her grave,
In a moment winter looses its grasp and she explodes forth putting to rest his cold hard reign.
Nature responds to her call splashing colors as far as the eye can see.
For a brief moment no one remembers that her reign to must end.
April of 2006 I boarded a flight to Portland for my first ever mission trip. Four days later I sat in the same terminal wrestling with God. The Northwest had stolen my heart and I was confused by my feelings. How could a good God take me away from my friends and support in Texas. But that heart thievery led me to take a leap of faith that I was little prepared for but crazy enough to take.
2 years after that thievery I stuffed most my belongings in a 6 x 8 moving pod and the rest in my car. I started a road trip with a wonderful friend that ended with a life that was better than I ever imagined. At the time though, I had no job and only a couch to crash on for a few weeks. Some have told me that was faith. Now I just wonder if i was stupid enough to not think about the consequences.
I boarded the plane this past weekend in Portland and soon landed in Denver. The last time I was in this airport I was heading home from an interview with a mission organization. Of course I had run into trouble at check in, and soon found myself stuck in the long security lines. I waited and battled the sense of fear that overwhelmed. However, I continued to feel that peace, knowing full well that God was with me. I made bargains with God praying that His will was for me to make this flight. But alas as I ran for the gate I watched as they closed the door and my flight left without me. Tears streamed down my face as I screamed at the attendant and at God. I stewed with anger at God for the hours I was stuck at the airport. I knew He had been with me, how could He let me miss my flight (apparently it was His fault I was an idiot and tried to check in with the wrong airline). By the time the next flight took off though I had learned that when you walk with God there are no guarantees
As I continued to Kansas and through the weekend the memories continued to flood my heart. As an unwilling prodigal son returning to my roots I went kicking and screaming down memory lane. For years I have run from my family and chosen to only remember the pain. This weekend I found the joy that is in my family. My family is messy and brings pain to me on a regular basis. However, I learned that there is a hole in my heart that only my family can fill. In fact, the hole I have begged God to fill repeatedly is the same hole they fill. And my heart has been stolen by a pair of eyes that mirror my own and a smile that melts my heart.
As I settle into my routine here in Portland I am asking God what all this means and I begin the all too familiar wrestle with him. I am not sure I have it in me to take this step, but I know that regardless what happens He will be by my side.