April of 2006 I boarded a flight to Portland for my first ever mission trip. Four days later I sat in the same terminal wrestling with God. The Northwest had stolen my heart and I was confused by my feelings. How could a good God take me away from my friends and support in Texas. But that heart thievery led me to take a leap of faith that I was little prepared for but crazy enough to take.
2 years after that thievery I stuffed most my belongings in a 6 x 8 moving pod and the rest in my car. I started a road trip with a wonderful friend that ended with a life that was better than I ever imagined. At the time though, I had no job and only a couch to crash on for a few weeks. Some have told me that was faith. Now I just wonder if i was stupid enough to not think about the consequences.
I boarded the plane this past weekend in Portland and soon landed in Denver. The last time I was in this airport I was heading home from an interview with a mission organization. Of course I had run into trouble at check in, and soon found myself stuck in the long security lines. I waited and battled the sense of fear that overwhelmed. However, I continued to feel that peace, knowing full well that God was with me. I made bargains with God praying that His will was for me to make this flight. But alas as I ran for the gate I watched as they closed the door and my flight left without me. Tears streamed down my face as I screamed at the attendant and at God. I stewed with anger at God for the hours I was stuck at the airport. I knew He had been with me, how could He let me miss my flight (apparently it was His fault I was an idiot and tried to check in with the wrong airline). By the time the next flight took off though I had learned that when you walk with God there are no guarantees
As I continued to Kansas and through the weekend the memories continued to flood my heart. As an unwilling prodigal son returning to my roots I went kicking and screaming down memory lane. For years I have run from my family and chosen to only remember the pain. This weekend I found the joy that is in my family. My family is messy and brings pain to me on a regular basis. However, I learned that there is a hole in my heart that only my family can fill. In fact, the hole I have begged God to fill repeatedly is the same hole they fill. And my heart has been stolen by a pair of eyes that mirror my own and a smile that melts my heart.
As I settle into my routine here in Portland I am asking God what all this means and I begin the all too familiar wrestle with him. I am not sure I have it in me to take this step, but I know that regardless what happens He will be by my side.
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