Thursday, December 20, 2012

What does gun Control really boil down to.

I started this post days ago and find it hard to write.  I don’t talk about my views on gun control often.  I find myself getting angry and feel like I continue to beat my head against a wall.  You see I understand where people come from who think more laws to control guns will help.  My grieving heart wishes it were so.  However, if we just study history we will see that isn’t so.

Laws don’t work that way.  Laws are designed to set boundaries on good and evil, because we are evil people.  Laws can not protect, just like the police can not protect.  The most frustrating part of my job as a police officer was the realization, that I had little time to help.  Most of my shifts were spent jumping from one call to the next, watching the bad guy walk out of jail before the ink was dry on my paperwork.  Responding over and over to the same house wondering who violated the restraining order and if one of them will be dead this time.  No laws don’t protect, they just inform.

But the debate rages on.  Each day I open my yahoo page, and feel like I am watching a train wreck that I am powerless to stop.  My heart aches for the small child who pleads to take guns away, because her sibling was killed last Friday.  And I am angered that my cousin still deals with PTSD because he couldn’t protect himself against the FT.Hood Shooter and instead had to run away.  But then if I want I can watch videos about the Kardashians or who won the voice last night.

Do you see the correlation that I do, between us and the Roman Empire?   Towards the end, the empire was ruled by the senate, who bickered and fought over semantics instead of worrying about the decline of the country.  In an effort to win the masses and gain power over the senate, Caesar instituted the gladiator games.  Of course the masses revolted because the expense was so high, but Caesar offered them bread.  Content, they sat back with their stomachs full and watched one human mutilate another.  Sound familiar?

Not every person in the Roman empire participated in this, but they paid the price nonetheless.  Sometimes I fear it has gone to far; the train is at full speed and the brake is broken.  Thankfully, I have hope.  I know that regardless the outcome, God is in control.  The coming days will not be easy, but God has already won.  Therefore, I will spend my days and nights in prayer.  And as my heart cries for the country I love, I will dance in the joy and hope of the Lord.

Monday, December 17, 2012


I have sat down at my computer multiple times since Friday wanting to put my heartache on paper and remove it from my soul. 

Nothing came.  Instead, I have moved numbly through the last few days.  Seeking out physical touch and longing to hold those that mean so much to me.  In the chaos of emotions all I can do is search for truth and this is what I have come up with. 


1.  God IS good and He does not cause evil. 

When something like this happens, my first reaction is to cry out and ask God “WHY?”  Demanding an answer from the King of Kings.  He never tells me why, Just comforts me in the moment.  I watch hours of the same news coverage and hope to catch the good that god brought into this circumstance. 

2.  We live in a fallen world, which means we deal with good and evil.

As Paul says in Ephesians 6 “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places”.  This truth is hard for me to talk about, I don’t want people to think I am crazy, but it doesn’t make it any less true.  There is evil in this world.  Evil that makes no sense no matter how we try to come up with it.

3.You can’t blame God for things that happen in places we have removed Him. 

I wrote this one then read this…Read this.

I think this one has to be, you can’t blame God for evil.  He does not create evil, it is a part of our nature and a part of the fallen world we live in.

4.  You can’t legislate morality. 

Not sure if you have noticed, I have, that laws are created after the fact.  We react out of emotion passing a ton of laws that do nothing more then letting us go back to our imaginary safety bubbles.  Truth is we have no control over the decisions others make regardless of what laws we pass.

5.  Evil will always prevail as long as good men(and women) do nothing.

In every mass shooting, tragedy etc, one thing prevails.  There is a good person who stands up against the evil and stems the flow of blood.  In the Connecticut shooting teachers, janitors, principals and counselors rushed in to save those that they could.  If they had stood by and did nothing, more lives would have been lost. Creating laws that may appear to take away our control but prepare all people to react appropriately, then we are arming the good guys.  Evil will always be armed. 

6.  Last but not least.  Christians are a poor representation of Christ. 

For years I have stood by, to scared to voice my opinion, I despise conflict good or bad.  But that means that extremists on both sides of the line are the loudest voices.  No one knows what I stand for or why I hold those beliefs, because I am too scared to start the conversation.  I live in fear that someone will disagree with me.  But good conflict, brings discussion, which leads to understanding on both sides of the line and a middle ground can be found.  If Christians don’t start the conversation we are then just reacting when things happen. 

Truth is my heart is still heavy with the tears of children.  On Friday my soul groaned with the world as our safety bubble was popped.I already feel my brain moving on.  I will wake up Christmas morning and my family will still be intact.  They won’t and there is nothing I can do to fix that for them.  My heart is heaviest with the truth of my inaction.  God has given me the tools to start the discussion on gun control, mental illness, the degradation of our families.  Yet I have remained silent.

So I want to start the dialog.  Over the next week, I will post why I believe what I believe in hopes of starting a dialog.  If you don’t agree with me, please do not belittle me or think I am stupid.  Instead, present your beliefs to me.  Maybe we will find we are closer to the same side then you think.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

What are the walls of my heart papered with?

“And the signs that you learned here will not look at all as you expect them to look, when you meet them there.  That is why it is so important to know them by heart and pay no attention to appearances.”  Aslan in the Silver Chair

Expectations have been on my mind a lot lately. 

Are they good, bad, indifferent?  Do they affect how I relate to others or just my simple perceptions I place on the world?

Or are the judgments and perceptions I put on other people and the world around me?

For weeks I have gone back and forth between expectations, goals, plans, dreams…what is the difference anyway.

I have learned two things, expectations are destroying my life and my relationship with Christ.  Every year I spiral into depression as my holidays look (and always have looked) different than what I expect.  Instead of focusing on the coming of Christ and why He has called me to serve Him, I focus on my small budget and the reality my family are states away from me.

I wonder if  I am still singel because of my expectations of what it should look like.  I really want the fairy tale and to be swept off my feet, despite the fact that I tell myself repeatedly that doesn’t happen!  In all honestly I feel sorry for the man God has for me because of the expectations I have for how he will act.  Only Christ himself could meet all the expectations I have for how a many should act around me and how he should pursue me.

Then there are the expectations I put on myself.  I never measure up to the skinny, well dressed perfectly coifed woman I expect myself to be.  Not to mention that I should be capable of working two full time jobs and having a full social life with no strain at all.

Of course on paper this all sounds ridiculous and I ponder is this really what God had in mind when he created me?  A woman who is so insecure she spends hours staring at her belly wishing it was thinner, instead of the beautiful eyes and smile He gave her.  Or a woman that is so scarred by past relationships that she refuses to try again by setting up impossible expectations for men to meet.

Life is about relationships.  My relationship with the woman in the mirror, the man in my future and the Son of Man himself.  Lets not forget the multitudes of people I encounter on a daily basis.

I go back to what Aslan said.  It is important for me to put the truth of God in my heart, to memorize the signs that He is with me.  If that truth is my priority I hope that soon my expectations will no longer rule over me as they do now.

How about you, what kind of expectations do you have?  Have they ever made something better?  how about worse?