What are the walls of my heart papered with?

“And the signs that you learned here will not look at all as you expect them to look, when you meet them there.  That is why it is so important to know them by heart and pay no attention to appearances.”  Aslan in the Silver Chair

Expectations have been on my mind a lot lately. 

Are they good, bad, indifferent?  Do they affect how I relate to others or just my simple perceptions I place on the world?

Or are the judgments and perceptions I put on other people and the world around me?

For weeks I have gone back and forth between expectations, goals, plans, dreams…what is the difference anyway.

I have learned two things, expectations are destroying my life and my relationship with Christ.  Every year I spiral into depression as my holidays look (and always have looked) different than what I expect.  Instead of focusing on the coming of Christ and why He has called me to serve Him, I focus on my small budget and the reality my family are states away from me.

I wonder if  I am still singel because of my expectations of what it should look like.  I really want the fairy tale and to be swept off my feet, despite the fact that I tell myself repeatedly that doesn’t happen!  In all honestly I feel sorry for the man God has for me because of the expectations I have for how he will act.  Only Christ himself could meet all the expectations I have for how a many should act around me and how he should pursue me.

Then there are the expectations I put on myself.  I never measure up to the skinny, well dressed perfectly coifed woman I expect myself to be.  Not to mention that I should be capable of working two full time jobs and having a full social life with no strain at all.

Of course on paper this all sounds ridiculous and I ponder is this really what God had in mind when he created me?  A woman who is so insecure she spends hours staring at her belly wishing it was thinner, instead of the beautiful eyes and smile He gave her.  Or a woman that is so scarred by past relationships that she refuses to try again by setting up impossible expectations for men to meet.

Life is about relationships.  My relationship with the woman in the mirror, the man in my future and the Son of Man himself.  Lets not forget the multitudes of people I encounter on a daily basis.

I go back to what Aslan said.  It is important for me to put the truth of God in my heart, to memorize the signs that He is with me.  If that truth is my priority I hope that soon my expectations will no longer rule over me as they do now.

How about you, what kind of expectations do you have?  Have they ever made something better?  how about worse?