Sunday, March 28, 2010

To finish a good work

God has really been moving in my heart this weekend.  I spent some time with friend who happens to struggle with many things that I do.  As she was sharing her struggle, my heart screamed “I do the same thing”!  I have a hard time finishing anything!!  There are times that God puts a passion in my heart, I don’t respond quick enough, and the passion slowly ebbs.  Usually my passion fails because I dont think He is big enough, or I begin to question when the road gets hard.  One of my favorite quotes right now is by George Lucas.  “You have to find something that you love enough to be able to take risks, jump over hurdles and break through the brick walls that are always going to be placed in front of you.  If you don’t have that kind of feeling for what it is you are doing, you’ll stop at the first giant hurdle.”

The thing I am most passionate about is prayer.  I feel strongly that we should be a people who pray and seek His face, especially in the world we currently live in.  Yet in my down time, I don’t pray.  Well I don’t take time out of my life to pray.  I am crazy  good at the bullet prayers, and I even throw in a few praises here and there(that way I feel even better about myself)!  This past week as I have started those bullet prayers, the Holy Spirit has shut my mouth, my mind everything.  I have no words and I feel heavily convicted that I can’t even stop what I am doing for two seconds to pray for this!  But I have yet to really head that conviction so now He is making it blatantly  clear

When I came home today this is what I read.  “So here’s what I think:  The best thing you can do right now is to finish what you started last year and not let those good intentions grow stale.  Your heart’s been in the right place all along.  You’ve got what it takes to finish it up, so go to it.  Once the commitment is clear, you do what you can, not what you can’t.  The heart regulates the hands.” 2 Cor. 8:10-13 (The Message)  Ok, ok I get it, He has gifted me with a heart and a desire for prayer and I need to start using it as the sword that it is.  So if you think of it, keep me accountable, ask me how my prayer time is, and if you want join me!

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Fisher’s of Men

Since I let Christ into my heart in 2004 I have struggled with what a relationship with Christ looks like.  I was raised in an environment that was more about earning our way to heaven, than being with Christ.  Because of this there is constant tension in my life fueled by shame and guilt, that I am not doing enough to please God.  Since I gave my notice at Saint Child, this struggle has become more evident.  I even realize moments I missed because I was too busy trying to earn Jackie’s approval instead of living for God. 

This new place that I am in God has made it very apparent to me that I am just to rest.  No ministry, no serving, just leaning into Christ and letting Him do the work.  Honestly, I have NO IDEA how to live this life.  So what do I do, I beat myself up for not reading enough, not praying enough and not spending enough time with other people.  So there is always a way for me to feel guilty.  Almost like I enjoy the guilt, it is my security blanket that God is trying to replace with himself, but I won’t let him.  I cling to the last shreds just as I clung to my first blankie when I was little (I still have it in fact-here’s a picture of it).


I have been asking God to show me what this life looks like, and in His loving way He did.  Yesterday my boss took all of us fishing on the Columbia River.  He arranged everything, a gorgeous day, low wind conditions and even borrowed clothes so I didn’t freeze.  I spent the day looking down river and Mt. Hood and waiting for a bite.  The bite that never came!  We were on the river for 6 hours and only one fish even took a nibble at five poles (I found it quite funny, even though my co-workers didn’t).  But God used this time to teach me what it means to fish for men.

In Mark 1:17 Christ calls the first disciples by saying “come, follow Me, and I will make you fisher’s of men.”  He doesn’t say, I’ll teach you how to fish and then it is all up to you how much you catch.  He says follow me!  As the fisher in the boat, we really have no control over whether a fish takes the hook or not.  we can try fancy bait, flashy lines and even different methods of fishing-which I heard all about yesterday :)!  But in the end, all you can do is prepare you line, drop it in the water and wait.  In the meantime you have two choices:  you can fret and worry about if everything is right or two you can sit back relax and enjoy the day.  the interesting thing about the second option, is in that relaxing there is still action.  You must be prepared to catch the fish.  You have to bait the hook, put the line in the water and be ready to reel it in if a fish takes the bait.

The same holds true I believe for our life with God.  We have two choices.  We can believe that if we find just the right mix we will build the kingdom of God and lead countless souls to Christ.  Or we can sit back in the arms of the savior, rest, relax, and be ready to answer when He calls us to pick up the line.    There is a lot of trust in that second option, which leads me to question how I view God.  Is He truly the God of the universe, who has created mountains to rise from the earth, and commanded the ocean to come here and no further.  Or is He the God that I continually box in by my need for control, or by my shame and guilt that I am not doing enough?

I need Him to be the God of the universe.  Truly I need Him to be big enough to solve my problems and to save those He has called.   Because I can’t!  I am to burdened by my blankie’s that I am still holding onto!

Friday, March 12, 2010


They say that part of being forgiven for your sins is confession, first to God then to others.  I have a sin that for a long time I have confessed to God, poured my heart out and tried really hard to change.  And the consequences just get worse, and I am now at a point that I am beyond drowning in my debt. I have drowned and my only hope of survival is to cry out for help, swallow my pride and confess that I am a sinner.

Money is my God, it makes me feel safe, brings me comfort, happiness and peace.  It helps me to avoid all my other issues, like my emotional eating, and desire for approval.  I feel happy when it is near and I panic when it disappears.  I use it to make myself feel prettier, I try to buy peoples love with it (the silly thing is I don’t have to).  It makes me feel whole and complete and if I just had enough of it everything would be ok.  I wouldn’t long for a mate to hold me (I could just buy one right), I would have plenty of time to work out and be skinny, I could go wherever I wanted whenever I wanted and see all the people I love and miss.

But that is why God said you shall have no other god before Me.  Because no ‘god’ can fill that need or craving that we are trying to shove it in.  The truth is my worship of this god has brought me to this point.  I am unable to pay all my bills.  I am seeking help and almost to the point of bankruptcy.  How did I get here, by years of living above my needs, until God brought me to a realization of what I was doing.  And then it was too late.  He wants to strip me of my perfect credit score, my reliance on the $$ and bring me to a place where I have no choice but to rely on Him. 

I am there, I threw my hands up this week and I made the call.  We will see what He does with it and how it goes from here.  But I must lean into Him and trust that I will have consequences for my sin, but I am forgiven and I am a new creation in Christ.  Therefore, this sin, as any other sin, can be overcome.

Monday, March 8, 2010

The roller coaster rides again

This is truly an interesting journey I am on right now.  Definetly new ground that I have never been on.  Of course I am highly emotional but this feeling that something is pressing will not leave me.  I feel as if I CANNOT rest…even though He keeps reminding me that resting is exactly what I am to be doing.

It is amazing the things I have found to distract me and keep me busy.  An insatiable need to eat, the urge to buy everything new and decorate beyond my means, and the worst the spending time with long lost friends. (JK on the last one)  On Sunday after church I went to eat lunch with the crew at Taco Del Mar.  This is something that periodically I would take the girls to, for two reasons.  One I could hang out with my friends and two It would keep the girls entertained for about two hours!  But as I sat there, I felt myself getting antsy, like I had somewhere else to be.  But when I got home all I wanted to do was lay in bed.

I am not sure why I am recounting this, all I know is that I don’t know how I feel; and it is driving me NUTS!  I feel as if I am starving then, want to throw up once I eat.  My muscles ache for movement, but lack the energy to do anything.  Lets not even get onto my will power, it seems to have left me.  I was just talking to a friend about the constant up and down of my emotions and she asked if maybe there was something wrong with my hormones…I wish!  Unfortunately this has been the state of my emotions since I reached puberty.  If you are reading this and would like to pray for me, please pray that God helps me to find balance in my emotions, to enjoy His joy and happiness for more than a 24 hour period would be amazing!

My First Day

***I wrote the following this weekend but I was too lazy to hook into a land line to post it! :) ***


So here I sit, my first Saturday in my new place.  I have plans of course to go and see a movie, but those were made this morning.  I really have nothing I have to do and I am not sure how to handle it. 

All my life I have been about doing.  As long as I kept moving and kept busy it was all ok.  But I am now a new creation in Christ and I am much older, so I understand the value of rest.  Yet the tears behind this rest are new for me and I wonder what this stage of my life will bring.  What is God teaching me from this, is He always really teaching?

It was nice to lay in bed this morning and not feel that I have to get up.  No where to go and nothing to do, it is amazing how I crave these moments!  When I was younger, the thought of having nothing to do that day was a recipe for depression and feeling unloved.  However, today I sit in my chair and look out the window at the and feel the love of Christ as I stare at the beautiful view He has given me.


And I know I am wholly and completely loved!

I wrote the above yesterday and the day just got better.  There wasn’t one particular thing that stuck out, just the overwhelming feeling of being wholly and completely loved.  I have never experienced this before.  A closeness with God when things are good.  It is truly amazing!!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Déjà Vu

Last night was a surreal moment for me.  I lead a small group of single women from Westport in a book study.  Last night was on facing your fears, and face them we did.  One of the ladies broke down and was sharing from her heart.  The surreal moment was in the words that were coming from her mouth.  The cries of her heart had been the cries of mine just a few short years ago.  The desire to be with someone, and to have life under control. 

It is amazing as I get to know these women and how much all of us struggle with this desire for perfection.  Whether it be for the perfect man, or to appear perfect in our profession.  Where do we get this idea that we must be perfect.  The bible doesn’t call for perfection, nor does Christ call for us to do it all.  He created us to be in partnership with someone.  Yet the world tells us over and over and over and over what success looks like.

As I sat there last night, my heart breaking because I know her pain, I had no words for her.  Nothing to comfort her except the knowledge that I have been there, and praise for the heavenly Father that she is broken enough that He can begin to work!