Days like today are the ones that make me want to stuff my head in the sand and pretend it will all go away. Unfortunately I have been to much of that lately and it all caught up to me. I have noticed in the past week that people ask me how I am doing and I say ok or fine…pause…then fine or ok again. Not wanting to admit that I am really freaking out. I feel like I am adrift at sea and I am surrounded by a hurricane. The blessing in all of this is I am wrapped in the arms of the Savior so I have an unreal peace through all of this. But it doesn't change the fact that I am adrift in the eye of a hurricane and only God knows where I will end up.
Times like this are very hard for me. I am such a control freak, if I could I would plan out every small detail of the next 10 years and a few details for the 10 after that. the funny thing about that statement is I hate to be too planned. I love being spontaneous and taking off on a new adventure with no idea of what is ahead. It is just scary. There it is, the unknown is frightening. Will I have be in the same house in 6 months or is God moving me some where else. Can I really settle in here and make friendships, what if I have to move again? Why does it always seem I am saying goodbye to someone. And after the goodbye I find myself alone on my couch crying to myself(sorry brief pity party there!) Why is it so hard to make friends after preschool? Why cant we all be like we are when we are four and be best friends with someone after having met them five minutes ago?
The only answer I hear is SIN. All of this is the result of sin in this world, in my life and in others lives. I long for the day when sin no longer affects my life. When I can meet face to face with my savior and spend lifetimes listening to him explain all the wonderful things He has done. It is truly amazing watching Him work in this world, shining His way through our thick clouds of sin to reach deep into our hearts and bless us in ways we didn’t even know was possible. but it doesn't change the fact that I long for this life to be no more and heaven to be our only reality. To longer read in the news that millions of babies were killed today either in battle or through abortion. I don’t know what God is doing in me but I feel a passion that grows stronger and stronger each day for the unborn child, for the innocent victim who has no voice in the crimes that are committed against them. For god’s children who are abused, neglected, murdered or forsaken every day.
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