Uggh

I've had a lot on my mind lately.  Its ranged from questions about God, to why this world is so screwed up.  It seems like every where I go and the things I see are just out of control.  Most days it is hard for me to remember that God is in control.  Right now there are a lot of unknowns in my life lately and normally I don't handle it very well.  However, I am managing to go about my days as if I was actually in control of something.  God is amazing in the way he provides for every little thing I need.  Whether it be rest, food, laughter, joy, sadness or just love.

Last week was really hard for me.  Cami one of the girls in the house left to return to Colorado.  It was a good move and time for her to go, but I didn't want to let her go.  Not for her but for me.  She is a lot like me and we enjoy a lot of the same things so it was fun to just hang out with her and be more of myself than I am normally.  However, her influence in my life brought a lot of questions that I am still struggling with.  Like where is the balance between in the world but not of.  For example I LOVE rock and roll, and it is really hard to find good Christian bands that play the music I like.  So is it wrong to listen to this music?  I don't think so.  Over the past few weeks I have allowed myself to listen to some of my old music and some of the radio stations in the Portland area that I like.  The struggle for me has not been the actual music but the announcers and the commercials.  One air show has three people on it that totally crack me up.  But one of the guys is gay, so I really disagree with some of the topics that come of.  Of course i just change the channel when they go that way (well sometimes, I have to admit that even though I don't agree sometimes I is really stinkin funny!).  But even if I change the channel, or don't by even listening to that station at all, am I condoning that sort of behavior or am I just being judgmental.

Being a follower of God is so hard.  He is a very black and white God when it comes to sin but we have to live in the gray areas of life.  So how do we navigate this without blaspheming the Holy Spirit but still being true to who we are.  I fully believe God allowed me to live the life I did previous to my conversion.  And that life created the person I am today, so who does God want me to be.  A lot of the time I feel like I am trying to fit into a circle mold but I'm not even a square, not sure what I am.  I judge myself and others by this preconceived standard that I don't even know where it comes from.