I have always heard people say that if you feel like in your walk with God you are doing ok, then you need to recheck. I believe I am learning they are right. Over the course of the past 48 hours, God has shown me over and over how dark, disgusting, flawed and evil I truly am on the inside. And I am repulsed by the fact that I am not sure I want to change.
There I said, I am tired of the scraping and burning and demolition that comes from Christ’s work in me. I am saddened that I feel that I have come no closer to God than when I first found Him. Shouldn’t I know Him better, shouldn’t I trust Him? There have been some changes in me that is true, but the core of me is still the same. Because I refuse to give it all to Him AND not take it back (I think that is the key). There are many things I long for, yet I never step out of myself to go after those goals. Why because I will fail, and being a perfectionists means you just don’t try. So this means I watch opportunities time and time again float by and I fail to even raise my hand to try. What does this mean? It means the desires of my heart will never be. I will never be wife, because I expect perfection in a man. I will never minister to other’s through my creativity because I wait for my work to perfect. And the worst, is that I will never reach the multitude of teens that my heart cries out to, because I want to hide in my shell instead of be used by God.
I truly hate this about myself. I hate that I never give myself grace, therefore making it difficult to give grace to others. I judge myself so harshly that my judgments fling onto those around me. And I would rather wallow in my self-pity than turn to God and allow Him full access. I know what needs to be done, but I can’t seem to step off that cliff. I have never had anyone there to catch me, so why should I trust He is any different. (I Can’t believe this is coming out of mouth, or fingers!)
I think this is the most honest blog I have ever written, and I am disgusted with my self that I am even this way. I love God and I truly do want Him to be Lord of my life, why then is it so hard to make him Lord of ALL of my life?
because ... you can't. it's nothing about you. it's about Him working out His salvation in and through you, and that takes time. God doesn't zap us and change us in a blink. God works with who we are, with our 'bent', with our personalities, with our history, to mold and make us into the person He designed and created before the foundation of the world.
ReplyDeletecan i throw something out here? perhaps what you hate is you ... not your sin, but who you are, your personality, your 'bent' ... you want to be different, but you're you. your personality traits are your strengths and your weaknesses. we need perfectionists in this world, we just need to know when to exercise that and when to let it go. sometimes we need others to be hard on us ... but we need to know when to be hard on another and when to let it go.
yes, there is our part - we need to choose ... but i'm learning that part is smaller and smaller than i had previously thought. i cannot make God Lord of my life ... but i can choose to allow God to come in and do His good work in and through me and gradually take over all of me, becoming Lord of all of me.
God created us human. He works with our humanity, not against it. Sin is evil; not the work of His hands.
i think this is more difficult for those of us who have come from places you and i have. those places taught us we were bad and not good. that basic premise gets us into lots of bad thinking patterns and paths. what God created was good. i continuously have a difficult time with that. i don't like the womb He created me in. i struggle with this. it is extremely difficult for me to go back to before the foundation of the world where He designed and created me, and see that i am the me God created and not the parents/people/experiences that i've known.
learning to love the me that God created is a great struggle deep within my soul. i hate so much about me that i struggle to distinguish what it is that i hate. hating sin is one thing ... but hating God's creation? our personalities are a part of His creation. we are born w/our own personalities and bent. our parents didn't give that to us, God did. shall we then call what God has created bad? grrr! it makes me wanna scream sometimes!