Strong Enough

It’s 4:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep, haven’t been able to since about 3.  I dislike times like this when I have decisions to weigh and I get a lot of time alone.  I get stuck in my head and weighed down by my thoughts.  I know I am still suffering from jet lag, but I have had this overwhelming since of loneliness for the last 24 hours. 

I miss my friends and family, the comfort of a place to call home in Oregon.  A place where I belong.  None of that changes the fact that I hear the still soft voice of God calling me to India.  I find myself bargaining with Him…”I’ll come  when you give me someone to come with.”  “Wouldn’t I be more useful as a strong voice in Oregon, than a silent support in India?”  “Why me?” and the list goes on and on.

I have always been the strong type to see the road God wants me to go down and charging down like a bull in a china shop.  But this time, I am paralyzed by fear.  Not the fear of the unknown, but the fear that I am not strong enough to do this.

Truth is, I am not.  The girl inside of me wishes to curl up in a ball and run back to the safety of my home.  But there is something inside of me that won’t let me.  An urging in my spirit that I was made for this, designed with a purpose that has nothing to do with me. Yet I sit here in the dark and I still ask, why me?