The beast

I have struggled with depression for a long time, coming in and out of it repeatedly.  I try desperately to explain it to those who don’t know to no avail.  After surfacing from my last bought this mental image came to mind. 

“I see it rolling over the hills.  The storm is brewing on the horizon.  I brace myself the storm engulfs me in its dark murky mists.  In fear I cry out for God to deliver me.  Silence echoes as I loose my focus on the Light.  I cry out to friends for help, we do battle, we pray, I seek God’s face and slowly the light begins to return.  I stand believing this onslaught is over;  but the clouds never left.  I feel lighter and believe the war is over, the beast has fallen.

But he waits, lulling me to sleep with his light gray clouds.  As each day passes the clouds grow darker, but I have lost my focus so I don’t see.  The lies start slowly and I easily brush them off, but their weight presses more and more on my heart each day.  I ignore its presence, confident my focus is clear.

He grabs me, sinking his talons into the fat of my back.  Panicking I struggle, but I have let him get to close.  I attempt to regain my focus to find the light, but the lies overtake me.  He pushes me into the pit, taking his first bite out my hope.  He returns daily and feasts lavishly on my hope, until I no longer remember truth.  In the dark, I couldn’t focus if I wanted.  Hopelessness and self pity become my nourishment.  I have lost my will to survive.  The beast laughs as he leaves me to rot in the pit, nothing left of me for him to eat.  Those who love me surround the pit but  nothing reaches my ears.  The light begins to descend the pit and I hide out of desperation, believing He will never accept me.  As the light reaches my eyes, truth begins to beat from my heart and my eyes begin to clear.  The light pushes me out of the pit and deposits me on safe ground.  I rejoice I have found my focus once again, and I can clearly see the Light.  I have survived, but I can feel the beast; lurking, planning and waiting.  He knows all it takes is one day.”