He is Good

It always amazes me how hard change is.  You think after so much change in my life it would get easier after a while.  The only thing that changes is the amount of control I take away from God before He gently pries it back out of my hands.  Each time I hold onto that control a little less time than the time before.  But trust me this isn’t my own strength or will.  It just seems God brings people into my life who I listen to more readily than I did before.

Like today, I called my friend Victoria and invited myself to her place for lunch.  I was just wanting to chat and hang out, I hadn’t seen her in weeks.  But the minute I walked in she began to pull the truth out of me and within minutes I was in a  puddle of tears.  It amazed me how easily she pegged how I was feeling.  Useless, as a woman who isn’t a wife and will no longer be in ministry.  Lonely that I am 34 and still longing for that mate to spend this life with.  Feeling lost in a role as a woman dependant on a truly trustworthy God.  As God used her to pull each brick out of my emotional wall, I felt the facade I had been living behind crumble.  I am a woman who desperately longs to be married.  Not for the reasons I used to, but merely for a partner, a man to tell me I am beautiful, and someone to share this journey with.  I truly don’t want my own children, and I sound selfish saying that.  But I would rather spend my life ministering to the children who are lost longing for someone to see them.  I just don’t want to do it alone.  So today was the first day I got on my knees and was real with God about my desire for a husband.  It is real, and it is not something I can pretend is merely a want.  It is a need and a desire that God has placed in me and I must trust Him to fulfill that need or take it away.  Until then, I must trust His plan for my life for He is ALWAYS good.