Confessions of a lazy soul

Ever since my last blog, I have had this weight on me that I could not explain.  I thought it was just the final remembrance of the horrors that I saw as a police officer.  But as usual God had another reason.  This morning as I went to get my second cup of coffee I was talking to God and asking Him why this was weighing so heavy on me and he finally revealed it.  My sin in those years was not just my sexual immorality, my drunkenness or even my apathy.  It was the fact that I was in a place to do something and I did nothing.

The parents I could have helped to be better parents, the children I could have helped to have better lives, the neighborhoods I could have worked with to strengthen.  But instead I spent countless hours driving around waiting to be called instead of charging forward as a warrior should do! 

There are so many men and women that I worked with that I truly admire their courage and bravery to continue to chase down the dark forces of this world.  To work tirelessly to stop them before it happens again.  Don’t get me wrong, I did my job, I put people in jail, I even got a couple drug busts.  But, I was there for the money.  Just a job to make the ends meet and support my habits.  So I put this out there for the world to see, that I am asking for forgiveness.

I not only ask God for forgiveness but those I served and those I served with.  I could have been more and I could have helped you to be more.  For that I am truly sorry and I pray that with God’s help I have the courage and bravery to to chase down the dark forces of this world on a separate battle field.  One that is fought primarily on my knees and through my hands being the hands of Christ.  My life can not be for naught and I refuse to walk quietly to the grave.  Instead I want to slide into heaven, battered bruised and worn shouting praise God that was one hell of a ride!!

Can I bury my head in the sand?

Wow my world was rocked today and I am still reeling from a seeming less innocent conversation.  Early this week I was contacted by an attorney from Kansas City about an old case I had worked.  After a week of phone tag we finally connected during my lunch hour today.  He asked me questions and I confessed I didn’t remember the case at all.  No big deal, he would send me the report so I could read through it and see if that jogged my memory.  About an hour later the report sat in my email.  I innocently opened it thinking I was the same girl I had been, if only I had realized.  I read the Sexual Assault report and was deeply saddened by the events I read about that I am sure, destroyed this young mans life.  I emailed the attorney and told him I was sorry but I still didn’t remember the case. 

As the minutes ticked on, my stomach got very quesie and my head began to ache.  When I tried to go upstairs my legs felt like rubber weighted down by the entire world.  I sat at my desk and began to cry and suddenly realized where all this emotion had come from.  I was so emotionally shut down when I was a cop that I never felt anything for any of the victims I worked with.  But this time I felt everything.  His shame, his guilt, the agony and despair he must be facing, the fear of reporting it and then having to tell a female cop about it.  Even now 5 hours later I am numb with emotion.  As if 5 years of police work just came crashing down on my physical frame.  And I don’t know what to do with it. 

There are wolves in this world and there are days like today I remember how many.  So why did God bring this back now, and for the case to be a crime I am passionate about.  Am I just to finally process the horrors I saw or is there more to this and His timing.  I don’t know, but right now I ache with sadness for the billions of victims of sex crimes.  The devastation these crimes have on your body, mind and soul are like no other crime that man can commit against another man.  Even murder can no destroy a persons soul so wholly and completely as someone taking advantage of you sexually.  Such a perfect and wonderful thing created by a perfect and loving God, destroyed and mutilated by a sinful man.

Fire Starter

Have you ever spent any time staring into a campfire.  There are the different stages of it.  There is the beginning when the wood is all fresh and the flames are out of control.  Then as more of the wood catches fire it just seems to engulf the whole pit and rages hot for a bit (unless you have certain types of wood, then it is more smoke than fire).  Then after a certain amount of time it begins to die down and the fire master has to keep pushing it around and adding wood until you have a good steady burn going on.  Then there is my favorite stage when the coals of the fire burn brighter and hotter than the fire itself.  I can spend hours staring into the depths of those coals and watching the slow burning passion.

Ok stay with me now, there is a purpose to this!  Several years ago God gave me a passion and at first it raged and I quickly burned through any energy I had.  the passion dwindled and slowly almost seemed to fade.  Every once in a while something would push the coals around and the fire would rage for a bit and then die back down.  But it was always there, He was slowly building the fire so that I could stand the heat of His passion.  The past few months God has been pushing my coals around and adding more wood, slowly reviving this passion He has given me.  Then this last week it just began to rage inside of me, a passion, a drive an energy that I have never felt before.  The coolest thing is it isn’t dyeing down.  Because God has built a nice strong fire around it.  He has given me experience after experience that has broken my heart more and more until there was plenty of wood to burn and the coals are nice and hot now.

Each day I wake with an excitement for the day.  I wonder what He will do today.  the crazy things is most days it isn’t huge and the things that still weigh me down are still there.  But there is this passion inside of me, proof that He has  a plan for me.  I don’t know what it will look like, but I am finally enjoying the ride!

You are probably saying to yourself, “Angela what are you talking about” and I would just smile and nod.  The only thing I can say is that God has brought me to a place of true contentment.  I can’t explain it any other way.  I am happy and I have been for several days.  If you know anything about me, consistency in moods is not one of my strong points. But regardless of the road blocks Satan throws in my way, I seem to leap over them with the grace of a deer lifted by the love found only in Him.

He is the God who saves

How can a girl stand in a room full of people who love her and feel utterly alone.  How can a girl feel as if she is torn in two between who she wants to be and who she is on a daily basis.  How can goals be so close yet so far out of reach.  The solution is so simple right in front of me, but is totally and completely unattainable.  All I can do is fall at the foot of the cross and cry out His name.  I know He is there, I can feel Him all around but these emotions are destroying me from the inside out.  a continual roller-coaster that never stops.  Why try when you know tomorrow will just be the same.  Why even get up or go on when there is no end in sight, no foreseeable change?  How can one day be so full of joy and the next I can’t even get out of bed?  When did this depression seep into my bones, why now, is it just the weather, or is there more going on?  Is there a spiritual battle here that I am missing, is satan using my goals to drag me down from my potential. 

I once took this personality test that told me I have this awesome ability to see the potential people have.  However, it means I am often let down because they do not grasp for that potential out of fear or just life.  So this also means, I look in the mirror daily and see the potential that I COULD be, and I am devastated by the reality of who I am.  There are so many goals I have for my life, things I want to do, and I am weighed down by these chains.  The chain of I don’t want to firmly wraps itself around my legs.  The chain of uncontrollable emotions wraps around my waist and shackles me hands and feet.  And the chain of debt is choking off my last gasp for air and I am tired of fighting.  God I give, I am helpless to win this battle and I need your intervention.  I trust that you are the God that can move mountains and you can free me from the ever-present weight of these chains.  All I can do is lay here, I can do no other.