Lord, I need you

If you were to ask me, I would tell you that God is my life.  He is the very air that fills my lungs, the water that quenches my thirst and the bread that nourishes my soul.  Yet I am torn in two, gasping for air, dying from dehydration and starvation. 

This move to the south has ripped me apart leaving me feeling hollow and empty.  On one side I rejoice in the provision God has given me.  On the other I rot from un-confessed sin. 

My God helped me to move across country with no job for the second time in my life.  He provided for me quickly and abundantly with work and a church home.  He blessed me with a wonderful roommate, who loves the Lord and encourages me to walk closer to Him.  But my other side sings an different tune.

I grumble because my job bores me.  I seethe with envy for the relationships my friends have with their families.  I am jealous over the clothes people wear, the phones they use, the money they make.  And I ache at the family God has yet to bless me with. 

So today I am here today to confess.  My heart is black and decaying, rotting from envy and jealousy.  I have turned my back on my one true love.  And I have sought love and acceptance from the world around me. 

But in this confession I find His rest, peace that I am still His.  Comfort that he will never abandon me, and joy in the plans He has for me.  So with outstretched hands I beg Him to change me because without Him I truly fall apart.

“Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

Where sin runs deep Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are, Lord, I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

Teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I'll fall on You
Jesus, You're my hope and stay

My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You”

Lord, I need you by Matt Maher

The Lord is Trustworthy…Right??

Often I open my journal and look at the pages that beg for my emotions to be poured out on them.  I write a few words and nothing comes, my ink has dried up.  My soul feels broken, lost, torn into a thousand pieces.  I fear the day the spigot opens back up and all this emotion floods out. 

Transition’s are hard, no matter what it is.  Yours could be making changes to your diet, or starting a new school.  But they are all the same, you have to let go of something, or everything, to move on.   

Truth is, I am tired of letting go, I fear my heart has nothing to give.  I miss my Oregon family, the warriors who carried me as God  healed my wounds.  My heart aches for the embrace of my Macy girls and the sound their scream “Angela” from across the room.  I long for that family who overflows with unconditional love and acceptance.  I laugh as tears glisten in my eyes when I hear my friend Kristy shouting “cancel that” at something negative I say to myself.  And a part of me dies as I watch her daughter grow, wondering if she will ever recognize me again.

I am tired of new.  New places, new people, new food, new jobs.  I miss the comfort of old and long to just belong.  I find myself angry with God, confused by what He is doing.  Each moment each day is a choice not to turn from Him and find my own way. 

“The Lord is good to all;
he has compassion on all he has made.
All your works praise you, Lord;
your faithful people extol you.
They tell of the glory of your kingdom
and speak of your might,
so that all people may know of your mighty acts
and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.
Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and your dominion endures through all generations.

The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises
and faithful in all he does.”

Psalm 145:9-13