Often I open my journal and look at the pages that beg for my emotions to be poured out on them. I write a few words and nothing comes, my ink has dried up. My soul feels broken, lost, torn into a thousand pieces. I fear the day the spigot opens back up and all this emotion floods out.
Transition’s are hard, no matter what it is. Yours could be making changes to your diet, or starting a new school. But they are all the same, you have to let go of something, or everything, to move on.
Truth is, I am tired of letting go, I fear my heart has nothing to give. I miss my Oregon family, the warriors who carried me as God healed my wounds. My heart aches for the embrace of my Macy girls and the sound their scream “Angela” from across the room. I long for that family who overflows with unconditional love and acceptance. I laugh as tears glisten in my eyes when I hear my friend Kristy shouting “cancel that” at something negative I say to myself. And a part of me dies as I watch her daughter grow, wondering if she will ever recognize me again.
I am tired of new. New places, new people, new food, new jobs. I miss the comfort of old and long to just belong. I find myself angry with God, confused by what He is doing. Each moment each day is a choice not to turn from Him and find my own way.
“The Lord is good to all;
he has compassion on all he has made.
All your works praise you, Lord;
your faithful people extol you.
They tell of the glory of your kingdom
and speak of your might,
so that all people may know of your mighty acts
and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.
Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and your dominion endures through all generations.
The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises
and faithful in all he does.”