The Rung: Day 2

I lunged! 

As my fingers sprang for the wood I thought, “What am I doing?”

Then my fingers slide around the cool metal of the rung.  All the lies and deceit vanish as my pale hand shines in the warmth of the light. 

As I cling to the rung, The Darkness fades away, and I dance in the Light for the first time.  As the adrenaline rush fades, I begin to notice an ache in my shoulders, which soon becomes a searing pain. 

I turn my attention to Fear whose sharp claws pierce my flesh as he pushes down on my shoulders.  I feel warmth trickle down my throat from where his teeth pierce my skin.  The joy of the light still pulses through my veins and it gives me the strength to hold on.

I notice The Darkness’s encases my torso with his dark form and lies and noise spew from his mouth.  He slowly tightens his grip and  until I can no longer feel my feet. 

I hang there, my fingers are white from my grip on the rung. 

I watch The Light creep along as it does everyday, until finally His gaze drifts from my fingers. 

I hear Darkness snarl with joy.

I tremble and my fingers begin to loose their grip. 

As the light progresses up the wall, it once again pauses and a second rung emerges from the wall.  He hovers there for a moment then continues His progression up the wall. 

My heart aches at his betrayal as I cry out to him and beg him not to leave me.  My cries do not give him pause and soon only darkness remains. 

A scream lodges in my throat as I fight back the tears. 

“How could he leave me here?”

In defeat I let go.

Fear and Darkness engulf me with open comfortable arms.

The Rung part 1

I have been working on this short story for some time and feel that I am ready to post the first day.  I wanted to wait until it was done, but I don’t know how it will end yet.  Let me know what you think!

The light appears above me and pierces my eyes.  I sit alone in the darkness, well not really alone.  The Darkness and his cohort Fear are my constant companions. Fear is always gnawing away at some part of me.  The Darkness like to play games.  His game is to smother me until I can no longer breathe.  Then he gives me just enough air to keep me alive. 

Each day as I wake the only change is where Fear may be gnawing that day.  Today he has chosen my fingers.  But that light.   Each day it beckons me, calls to me with a song of hope. 

As if I could escape this hell!

Every few days the anguish will well up inside me.  I will let out a primal scream of rage, as I beg the Light to help me.  On those days, He slowly creeps down the wall only to pause just out of my reach.  That is when the rung pushes its way from the wall. 

It is old wood, worn in some places, cracked and splintered in others.   I imagine it is just another way to torture me!  I am sure if I did grab it the exposed splinters would embed themselves into my hand.

One time, I mustered up enough courage to reach for the rung.  A chill runs down my spine as I remember that day.  Fear had chosen  my calves to gnaw on.  That is why I thought I might be able to reach it, he was so far away.  I slowly inched my hand out of the muck and ran it delicately up the wall.  Just as my hand reach the rung, Fear leapt from his position.  His sharp teeth tore through my hand.  Waves of pain shot through my body as.  The Light crept back up the wall and the rung slid back into its place.

Nope, I wouldn’t go there again!

Like most days when the Light came to visit, I sit and watch the rung gleam as if made of pure silver.  After awhile the rung disappears back into the wall, and the light creeps away until it disappears entirely.

“Someday” I whisper, “someday”

My Comfort Zone

Recently I had a friend pray for me that I would get out of my comfort zone.  First I wanted to smack him!  On the list of dangerous prayers that is right up there on the top with asking for Patience.  How dare he pray that without asking me first!

As with anytime that happens, the wheels started turning.  In my heart I immediately knew that God was calling me to start to take risks again.  To try and fail and try again.

See I am a perfectionists and failures from my childhood still have a way of haunting me today.  So I have made this little bubble around me so I limit my risk of failing.  I don’t try a new recipe because what if I don’t like it.  I choose to stay home instead of venture out my door, what if someone doesn’t like me.

The hardest part of this, is when I am alone I have dreams that are burning a hole in my heart.  Dreams that are unfulfilled, dying the slow death of atrophy.

My legs long to run.  My arms long for the strength to do a triathlon.  The adrenaline junkie inside wants to try mountain biking or rock climbing, maybe even jump out of an airplane.  My desire for discipline longs for the structure of martial arts.  And the entrepreneur inside dreams of the day that I have my own business. 

For too long I have sat in my house afraid to go out the door and today I am taking a stand against myself.

My goal is once a week to do something completely out of my comfort zone.  This week I bought a Groupon for dental work and I have NO IDEA if I will even like the doctor!

Outlandish huh!?! 

Well maybe that doesn’t count.

What is something you have longed to do that is out of your comfort zone?  Got any ideas of what I can do to get out of zone, or maybe find a new one!?

The day I stood up to myself

I am my worst enemy.  Continually I fight the voice in my head who screams labels at me.  One day I stood up to that voice, and I have found freedom!

It was the Saturday before I was to share some of my story in front of my church.  The voice was screaming at me that I was not enough and once they found out the truth I would no longer be accepted.  I called friends for prayer and fell to my knees under the onslaught of guilt and shame, my heart and soul gushing my life out before me. 

At the foot of the Cross he began to fill me with truth to help me stand.  As I began to gaze upwards and start to stand I found the strength to embrace the truth of who He has made me to be.  I began to praise God and was once again upright in His love.

Then it came.  That word, my kryptonite. 

WHORE

I stood motionless, unable to move.  Then it happened I made a choice.  I choose to step out from under the shame and guilt and embrace the truths in my heart.  I met my eyes in the mirror and through the flood of tears I spoke truth to my heart.

“You are saved by grace”

“You are a new Creation in Christ”

“A Daughter of the King of Kings, precious in His sight.”

“Beloved, held”

“You are not a whore”

It worked, my legs found their strength and I stood upright in His presence.  Rivers of the Savior’s love washed my soul and my heart was made new. 

All I did was make a choice.  I choose to accept His truth over the lies in my head.  Is there a word that cuts through your very soul?  Have you ever stood up to the lie?  What stops you?

Be careful what you wish for.

It was 2005 and I had been hood winked into attending a Beth Moore conference with my best friend. I had no idea who she was and her speaking style quickly had me zoning out.  But there I sat attempting to hear what God was saying to me through the noise.  By the end of the conference I knew that God wanted me to write a book and I was going to be a speaker like Beth Moore.  I was excited and a little fearful, but like the baby Christian I was, I charged ahead full steam.  I told everyone I knew in a vain attempt for accountability, and went home to start.  I pulled out a fresh journal, poised my pen, and nothing came out.  Day after day I would try until I just gave up.  I put the journal on the shelf and walked away.  Had I heard God wrong?

Fast forward to 2 months ago, when my pastor approached me about sharing some of my story during service.  I tentatively said yes.  With seven years under my belt of walking with God I knew opportunities like this didn’t come without pain.  But I trusted God and began to pray about what I would say.

But the series got delayed.  Phew, I just missed that bullet.  I stopped thinking about it altogether.  Until two weeks ago when my pastor approached me again.  This time I jumped at the chance.  I was in a place where I was ready to blast my church full of married couples with how hard it is to be single.  “Yeah, bring it on” I thought.  Then I opened his email and read through the list of questions he wanted me to ponder.  I was confused, they were all about change and contentment.  WHAT!!  I got hoodwinked again! 

When we sat down to talk about the questions he quickly brought up India.  My heart skipped a beat, I did not like where this was going.  I But I chose to step where the Spirit was leading.  I took about 5 minutes to sketch out some ideas, thinking I would just wing it on Sunday,  but my pastor wanted me to script it. 

I started to write, and the bottom of my world fell out.  My patterns punched me in the gut; the changing cities, states, jobs, homes, boyfriends, and friends.  My running away was why I was never happy with where I am.  Somewhere along the way I decided God wasn’t enough, so I searched for that thing, person, or place that would. 

As he gently revealed the truth to me I felt that gut wrenching self hatred and tried to turn from Him.  Instead I choose to just lay at the foot of the cross.  I begged and pleaded that He would change my mind.  I couldn’t possibly show my mess to my WHOLE church.  He whispered "but it is such a beautiful mess".

  
In the midst of dealing with this God hit me with a double whammy, my biggest fear; rejection.  Or in other words, my desperate need for approval from anyone but God.  I was sure my congregation would hear the truth and reject me and my mess.  Once again, I begged and pleaded that He wouldn’t make me do this, He just whispered "but what a beautiful mess"   He then reminded me of that day back in 2005, and I groaned. 

That day I had agreed to His dream merely for the acceptance I would receive from others.  Oh the accolade Beth must hear!  She must be happy.  But that wasn’t God’s dream, He intended for me to stand in front of my church family, with my raw open gaping wound, and show them what I am discovering about contentment.

I didn't want to.  But I took that stage Sunday and God was glorified through my beautiful mess.  And the only thing that mattered in that moment was that I am His Beloved.

Follow the link below if you want to hear what I had to say. (It is the 6/17 sermon and I start talking about 20:30.  Though the whole sermon is wonderful!)

http://www.westportchurch.org/keep-growing/listen

The beast

I have struggled with depression for a long time, coming in and out of it repeatedly.  I try desperately to explain it to those who don’t know to no avail.  After surfacing from my last bought this mental image came to mind. 

“I see it rolling over the hills.  The storm is brewing on the horizon.  I brace myself the storm engulfs me in its dark murky mists.  In fear I cry out for God to deliver me.  Silence echoes as I loose my focus on the Light.  I cry out to friends for help, we do battle, we pray, I seek God’s face and slowly the light begins to return.  I stand believing this onslaught is over;  but the clouds never left.  I feel lighter and believe the war is over, the beast has fallen.

But he waits, lulling me to sleep with his light gray clouds.  As each day passes the clouds grow darker, but I have lost my focus so I don’t see.  The lies start slowly and I easily brush them off, but their weight presses more and more on my heart each day.  I ignore its presence, confident my focus is clear.

He grabs me, sinking his talons into the fat of my back.  Panicking I struggle, but I have let him get to close.  I attempt to regain my focus to find the light, but the lies overtake me.  He pushes me into the pit, taking his first bite out my hope.  He returns daily and feasts lavishly on my hope, until I no longer remember truth.  In the dark, I couldn’t focus if I wanted.  Hopelessness and self pity become my nourishment.  I have lost my will to survive.  The beast laughs as he leaves me to rot in the pit, nothing left of me for him to eat.  Those who love me surround the pit but  nothing reaches my ears.  The light begins to descend the pit and I hide out of desperation, believing He will never accept me.  As the light reaches my eyes, truth begins to beat from my heart and my eyes begin to clear.  The light pushes me out of the pit and deposits me on safe ground.  I rejoice I have found my focus once again, and I can clearly see the Light.  I have survived, but I can feel the beast; lurking, planning and waiting.  He knows all it takes is one day.”

In The Middle

In the middle I stand alone.

One foot in the world, one foot in the Kingdom.

I like it here.

Different days I venture one way or the other.

Neck deep in the Kingdom, to drown in the light of His love.

Or into the world to spread seeds from above.

But in the middle I stand alone,

Alone with Him

I like it here.