The Rung Part 3

From deep in the darkness I watch Him come and go, day after day.  What a fraud, I think, tempting me with the offer of His warmth and safety, only to betray me and leave me in the cold.  I settle deeper into the familiar embrace of Fear and The Darkness.  No surprises in store with them.

I don’t know how long it has been, but I tire of the monotony of the darkness.  Something in me longs for the light.  I recall His warmth.  The compassion that flooded my soul.  “What it must be like to live in that light”, I muse to myself. 

My days now consist of replaying that moment in my mind.  The coolness of the rung under my hand, the warmth of His touch.  For the first time in months I look up.  In shock I stare at the two remaining rungs.  Raising my eyes higher and higher more rungs come into view.  Some are close together, while others seem so far apart, like they would be impossible to grasp.  “But why?”, my words echo off the walls and I clasp my hands over my mouth.  I mutter “But why did He stop at the second rung? 

I have pondered this question for days now, and the voices and gnawing of my companions gets heavier and heavier.  I know the truth I just don’t want to admit it.  He provides the rungs, I climb out.  That simple, but I also know the climb will be even harder then the brief moment I experienced before. 

“Is it worth it?” I think as I recall the warmth of His presence.

“YOU BET!”  I scream as I lunge.

Overheard conversations

I eased into my seat at the small table and took a slow sip of water.  The lunch hour crowd buzzed around me as I gazed around the room.  Soon a particular conversation began to grab my attention:

“Tatoos are disgusting!” proclaimed the young woman

“Yes they are.” agreed the young man.

“Oh you mean a tramp stamp” laughed the woman

“Yes I told her it was stupid and she got mad” proclaimed the man

That old familiar wave of shame and guilt washed over my soul as my mother returned to the table.  Soon our food was ready and we ate in silence as their conversation continued to reach my ears.  Their topics ranged from homosexuality, to sex outside of marriage  and many other things.  It soon became clear what they believed and they were also Christians.  My mother and I finished our meal and slipped quietly out of the restaurant, never to encounter this couple again. 

Once in the car I began to process what I had heard and how it had made me feel.  You see, I am the woman they were talking about, I have a ‘tramp’ stamp, I have had sex outside of marriage and have committed many other sins over the course of my life.  As I marinated in the shame the story of the woman who washed Jesus’ feet with her tears flooded my soul.  (Read it here Luke 7:36-39)  This woman arrived at the Pharisees home that night merely to worship the one man who could see past her sin to the hurting woman she was.  Instead she was also raked over the coals by the Pharisees as I felt by this couple.  Then it dawned on me, I am the young couple as well.

How many times have I discussed my beliefs in a crowded coffee shop or restaurant, oblivious to the people around me.  Did the words of my mouth represent that I am a sinner who is forgiven much and loves much, or did I sound much the same? Is this what God meant when He said that any of us could be called to testify to His name at any moment?  How many times have I given a bad testament of who He is because of careless words that passed my lips?

Each day that I travel this journey I see more and more how important our words are.  A word can leave a deeper scar than a sword or a fist.  But a word can also bring a healing balm to a festering wound.  My prayer is that I am more cognizant of the words and the people around me who may be hurting and need a comforting word.

How about you?  Have you ever overheard a conversation that cut you to the bone?

For I plans for you declares the Lord

When I was young I felt a call in my heart that God had big plans for my life.  This feeling persisted through the years I turned my back on Him, through my conversion and up to this present day.  Since January 2004 I have sought out this plan, running after every possibility that He placed in my path.  Maybe I was to be a revolutionary missionary in the northwest, or a famous blogger.  Perhaps an important advocate in the fight against human trafficking, or perhaps a missionary in India.  I have spent so much time chasing this I am exhausted, so last year I stopped.  I assumed I had missed my chance and my life was just a big waste.

This past Sunday I had an opportunity to share some of my story with someone I had recently met.  As I tried to explain to them the person I was before Christ the magnitude of my redemption story came home to rest.  9 years ago I gave my life to Christ.  Because of His redemption and transformation in me I am no longer the woman I was.  In fact, my life has been redeemed and I am free of the chains that bound me.  I have found value in His eyes and freedom in his love.

This morning they played a song on the radio called redeemed, (you can listen to it Here). I felt a small whisper in my heart say, “your redemption story is the BIG call on your life”.  What freedom in that simple statement.  Freedom from the guilt that I messed up what God had planned.  Freedom from the effort of trying to make it happen on my own.  Freedom in the knowledge that this is what He has for me.  Freedom in the joy that my redemption story is what He has planned for me all along. 

Have you considered that we as Christians may be getting it wrong.  It isn’t about how many people we bring to Christ.  It is about what He is doing in our lives.  Maybe it isn’t about what mission organizations we are a part of, but does our next door neighbor see Christ in who we are.  We all have a BIG call on our lives.  To let Christ have His way with us and be willing to share the way he has transformed us.

Does God want me to be happy?

Does God want me to be happy?

I keep coming back to this question since 5 out of 7 days I am not ‘happy’.  I am loved by the King of Kings and have joy in His arms every day.  He lavishes me with with blessings everyday and I want for nothing.  But Monday through Friday 8am-5pm I hate my life.  I work at a job that sucks the life out of me and so I wonder does God care if I love my job or not. 

I had a conversation with a friend today and it went something like this:

Me:  Does God care if we are happy?

Friend:  Of course God wants us to be happy

Insert long conversation

Friend:  See you are blessed.

Me:  I know I am blessed, but I am not happy.

That is the paradox I am in right now.  I am blessed beyond belief by the gifts my savior lavishes on me daily.  I am even blessed that I have a job and I make good money.  But I am not happy.  Is this happiness just an illusion?  A carrot always out of my reach that Satan keeps me distracted with.  Or is there really something to be said for being happy with your life?  Or is joy in Him all there is?

More questions is all I have, how about you?

What does gun Control really boil down to.

I started this post days ago and find it hard to write.  I don’t talk about my views on gun control often.  I find myself getting angry and feel like I continue to beat my head against a wall.  You see I understand where people come from who think more laws to control guns will help.  My grieving heart wishes it were so.  However, if we just study history we will see that isn’t so.

Laws don’t work that way.  Laws are designed to set boundaries on good and evil, because we are evil people.  Laws can not protect, just like the police can not protect.  The most frustrating part of my job as a police officer was the realization, that I had little time to help.  Most of my shifts were spent jumping from one call to the next, watching the bad guy walk out of jail before the ink was dry on my paperwork.  Responding over and over to the same house wondering who violated the restraining order and if one of them will be dead this time.  No laws don’t protect, they just inform.

But the debate rages on.  Each day I open my yahoo page, and feel like I am watching a train wreck that I am powerless to stop.  My heart aches for the small child who pleads to take guns away, because her sibling was killed last Friday.  And I am angered that my cousin still deals with PTSD because he couldn’t protect himself against the FT.Hood Shooter and instead had to run away.  But then if I want I can watch videos about the Kardashians or who won the voice last night.

Do you see the correlation that I do, between us and the Roman Empire?   Towards the end, the empire was ruled by the senate, who bickered and fought over semantics instead of worrying about the decline of the country.  In an effort to win the masses and gain power over the senate, Caesar instituted the gladiator games.  Of course the masses revolted because the expense was so high, but Caesar offered them bread.  Content, they sat back with their stomachs full and watched one human mutilate another.  Sound familiar?

Not every person in the Roman empire participated in this, but they paid the price nonetheless.  Sometimes I fear it has gone to far; the train is at full speed and the brake is broken.  Thankfully, I have hope.  I know that regardless the outcome, God is in control.  The coming days will not be easy, but God has already won.  Therefore, I will spend my days and nights in prayer.  And as my heart cries for the country I love, I will dance in the joy and hope of the Lord.

WHY

I have sat down at my computer multiple times since Friday wanting to put my heartache on paper and remove it from my soul. 

Nothing came.  Instead, I have moved numbly through the last few days.  Seeking out physical touch and longing to hold those that mean so much to me.  In the chaos of emotions all I can do is search for truth and this is what I have come up with. 

 

1.  God IS good and He does not cause evil. 

When something like this happens, my first reaction is to cry out and ask God “WHY?”  Demanding an answer from the King of Kings.  He never tells me why, Just comforts me in the moment.  I watch hours of the same news coverage and hope to catch the good that god brought into this circumstance. 

2.  We live in a fallen world, which means we deal with good and evil.

As Paul says in Ephesians 6 “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places”.  This truth is hard for me to talk about, I don’t want people to think I am crazy, but it doesn’t make it any less true.  There is evil in this world.  Evil that makes no sense no matter how we try to come up with it.

3.You can’t blame God for things that happen in places we have removed Him. 

I wrote this one then read this…Read this.

I think this one has to be, you can’t blame God for evil.  He does not create evil, it is a part of our nature and a part of the fallen world we live in.

4.  You can’t legislate morality. 

Not sure if you have noticed, I have, that laws are created after the fact.  We react out of emotion passing a ton of laws that do nothing more then letting us go back to our imaginary safety bubbles.  Truth is we have no control over the decisions others make regardless of what laws we pass.

5.  Evil will always prevail as long as good men(and women) do nothing.

In every mass shooting, tragedy etc, one thing prevails.  There is a good person who stands up against the evil and stems the flow of blood.  In the Connecticut shooting teachers, janitors, principals and counselors rushed in to save those that they could.  If they had stood by and did nothing, more lives would have been lost. Creating laws that may appear to take away our control but prepare all people to react appropriately, then we are arming the good guys.  Evil will always be armed. 

6.  Last but not least.  Christians are a poor representation of Christ. 

For years I have stood by, to scared to voice my opinion, I despise conflict good or bad.  But that means that extremists on both sides of the line are the loudest voices.  No one knows what I stand for or why I hold those beliefs, because I am too scared to start the conversation.  I live in fear that someone will disagree with me.  But good conflict, brings discussion, which leads to understanding on both sides of the line and a middle ground can be found.  If Christians don’t start the conversation we are then just reacting when things happen. 

Truth is my heart is still heavy with the tears of children.  On Friday my soul groaned with the world as our safety bubble was popped.I already feel my brain moving on.  I will wake up Christmas morning and my family will still be intact.  They won’t and there is nothing I can do to fix that for them.  My heart is heaviest with the truth of my inaction.  God has given me the tools to start the discussion on gun control, mental illness, the degradation of our families.  Yet I have remained silent.

So I want to start the dialog.  Over the next week, I will post why I believe what I believe in hopes of starting a dialog.  If you don’t agree with me, please do not belittle me or think I am stupid.  Instead, present your beliefs to me.  Maybe we will find we are closer to the same side then you think.

What are the walls of my heart papered with?

“And the signs that you learned here will not look at all as you expect them to look, when you meet them there.  That is why it is so important to know them by heart and pay no attention to appearances.”  Aslan in the Silver Chair

Expectations have been on my mind a lot lately. 

Are they good, bad, indifferent?  Do they affect how I relate to others or just my simple perceptions I place on the world?

Or are the judgments and perceptions I put on other people and the world around me?

For weeks I have gone back and forth between expectations, goals, plans, dreams…what is the difference anyway.

I have learned two things, expectations are destroying my life and my relationship with Christ.  Every year I spiral into depression as my holidays look (and always have looked) different than what I expect.  Instead of focusing on the coming of Christ and why He has called me to serve Him, I focus on my small budget and the reality my family are states away from me.

I wonder if  I am still singel because of my expectations of what it should look like.  I really want the fairy tale and to be swept off my feet, despite the fact that I tell myself repeatedly that doesn’t happen!  In all honestly I feel sorry for the man God has for me because of the expectations I have for how he will act.  Only Christ himself could meet all the expectations I have for how a many should act around me and how he should pursue me.

Then there are the expectations I put on myself.  I never measure up to the skinny, well dressed perfectly coifed woman I expect myself to be.  Not to mention that I should be capable of working two full time jobs and having a full social life with no strain at all.

Of course on paper this all sounds ridiculous and I ponder is this really what God had in mind when he created me?  A woman who is so insecure she spends hours staring at her belly wishing it was thinner, instead of the beautiful eyes and smile He gave her.  Or a woman that is so scarred by past relationships that she refuses to try again by setting up impossible expectations for men to meet.

Life is about relationships.  My relationship with the woman in the mirror, the man in my future and the Son of Man himself.  Lets not forget the multitudes of people I encounter on a daily basis.

I go back to what Aslan said.  It is important for me to put the truth of God in my heart, to memorize the signs that He is with me.  If that truth is my priority I hope that soon my expectations will no longer rule over me as they do now.

How about you, what kind of expectations do you have?  Have they ever made something better?  how about worse?