What a woman wants?

What does it mean to feel loved?  What does it mean to be content?  Can you be content as a woman loved only by the savior?  Some days I think so, days like today my flesh and my heart cry out for a man.  I could go on and on about the things I long for.  But what it boils down to is I want to know I am desirable.  I want to hear a man call me beautiful and see how he feels about me in his eyes.  Do men long for the same thing from a woman?  Or is this just something women long for?  Why can’t God be enough? 

Today was a rough day, no reason in particular.  Just sad again and longing for companionship.  Someone who would call me and want to hear my voice.  Who longs to be near me and might make me feel like I am alive.  It has been so long since I have dated, I am almost afraid to put myself out there for fear I would jump on the first man that came along.

So I have been praying and asking God to show me what I want in a man.  There are lots of little things I would like, but most of them aren’t deal breakers.  The biggest thing, is he has to lead me spiritually.  I have to know that I can trust him to be chasing after Christ, so that as I follow him I am following Christ.  Next he has to respect me and look at me as a friend.  A companion to travel through life together and chase after adventures with.  Last but not least he has to love me and cherish me ( is that too much to ask).

Fleeting Moments

Have you ever had one of those days that you just don’t feel right?  When people ask how you are doing, you respond great.  But somewhere deep inside you are just unsettled. 

For all intents and purposes I am doing great.   God is good and I know and trust He has a plan for me, so what is unsettling me?  Is it the unknown that is throwing me?  The dirty kitchen that is throwing me back into old patterns?  The stress of boss who has checked out on me but accuses me of being a short-timer?  Or the fact that come March 1st I have NO clue where I will be living or who I will be living with.  I could continue, but I think I see a pattern here.  I am worrying about things I can’t control.  Wow there is something new, NOT!

Why is it when I trust God to have a plan for me, I can’t rest in that trust.  I went on a walk this afternoon after work and let God do a little talking to me.  Some of it was about a promise that I felt Him make to me two years ago.  In that promise He revealed His time frame to me of two years.  Now that His time frame is almost up, I am tired of waiting.  Its like the last 30 minutes of my tattoo (it took 3 hours).  I had endured the pain for 2 1/2 hours but I had run out of patience, I was done.  Now that I am at the end of my race here at the house I am just done!

I have a month left and we have four girls here.  Four precious girls that fill the house with giggles and fun.  I missed that.  I find myself falling in love with each one of them, and being grateful for the privilege to know them.  But my heart breaks that I only have a month with them.  I worry that the next RA won’t care about them the way I do.  I worry that God isn’t big enough to help me through this!  Silly girl, I know!

When I turned the corner around my house after my walk, God’s promise to me was spread across the sky.  A beautiful sunset to remind me that every day ends but tomorrow will begin.  My time here at the house has to end some time and it is God’s timing for me to leave soon.  But tomorrow will come and He will be with me tomorrow.

My time with these girls is slipping away, but the joy and the memories will always remain.

Mile Post

This is my new tattoo!!  It is a butterfly breaking free from chains with the symbol for the trinity behind her and the verse 2 Corinthians 3:17 “Where the spirit of the Lord is there is freedom” under her. 

Most people will be shocked to see this tattoo and others who are even very close to me did not know I was going.  For several months I have been thinking about a tattoo.  Something to chronicle this past stage in my life with Christ.  I thought long and hard asked others what they thought and threw out ideas I had about Peter walking on the water and what not.  However, I never had a clear vision of what I wanted.  Well about a month ago I was talking to my friend Victoria and she asked “have you prayed about it”…uhm no!!!  So I did and God gave me the vision of what you see above.  This tattoo was my hardest though (its my fourth), since it is very visible on my forearm.  But not just for the visible qualities but because I have to stand up to several people in my life and say “this is who I am, please stop trying to conform me to your image!”  My whole life has been spent trying to fit in to whatever scene I happened to be a part of.  I bought clothes because they were what I was supposed to wear not what I wanted to wear.  I listened to music that was socially acceptable and I certainly didn’t get tattoos that couldn't be hidden.  This tattoo doesn’t only represent the chains of sin that God broke me free from but it also represents me becoming the woman Christ has created me to become.  I am a woman who loves tattoos, rock and roll, blue jeans and t-shirts and getting my hands dirty.  I do not like wearing dresses or anything frilly.  I wear make-up to make me feel better about myself, not to draw your attention to me and I love who I am.  I love a good hard rock song that you just have to bang your head to.  I love skateboarders and the ability that so many exude!  I love to run and get dirty.  But what I love the most is now that I accept me, I am more accepting of others and more accepting of others love!

Insignificant Life

The recent earthquake in Haiti has haunted me as I am sure it has haunted everyone who has seen the pictures.  As I watch the world rush to respond to this tragedy, I wonder why it takes something like this for humans to respond.  We are all aware of the plight of those in third world countries.  Yet, 24 hours before this tragedy the American people were more concerned with Health Care and American Idol than the millions of children world wide who are orphaned.

Then on top of it, at a time when the news media could be covering how all these Christian organizations were the first to respond and spread the love of Christ.  The media gets to focus on the idiot Pat Robertson who wants to shoot off his mouth about how they deserved this.  Sounds like Katrina all over again.  This got me to thinking about the balance of Grace and Truth.  When I read through the New Testament I can’t find a time that Jesus, kicked trounced and pounded a person who was down.  When He spoke truth it was too those who thought they didn’t need grace and when He gave grace was to those who already knew the truth all to well. 

In ‘The Grace and Truth Paradox’ Randy Alcorn says this about the disciples after Christ’s ascension.  “Truth was the food they ate and the message they spoke.  Grace was the air they breathed and the life they lived.”  They weren’t busy preaching to the third world countries about some pact their ancestors may have made with the devil, they were the first ones on the plane, and the first ones on their knees praying the God would move mightily and He would bring good out of this horrible situation.

As I thought about this today and became angry at Pat Robertson, God convicted me of the same sin on a different scale.  One of the girls living at Saint Child right now has been under my skin since day one.  Since I got back from my trip I have had very little patience with her and NO Grace.  So I have been all truth and discipline with her and very little grace.  So here and now I confess my sin before God and ask forgiveness (yes I already apologized to her) and I pray that I finish out the next six weeks as if I am working for God and not myself.

Side Note:  I took my camera with me to the coffee shop to get a picture to go with this, couldn’t find anything….bummer.  I did have a fun chat with Em!!

A new day

Today I was thinking about the update email I needed to send out to everyone about my job here at Saint Child and I realized I hadn’t been posting since my trip to Kansas.  It led me down a trail that brought me to the conclusion that when I need to write the most I don’t.  Writing allows me to pull those thoughts out of my brain that I might not admit otherwise!  So when I am struggling I don’t write because what I am thinking scares me. 

An example would be when I got back from Kansas I knew I was done, that I am burned out with my work here at the house.  But I didn’t want to write about it.  Why cause I didn’t want to admit to myself that I was done.   Even through all this, my emotional tantrums that I throw and the depression that always follows God is forever faithful.  In the midst of this, He opened a door and said, “my beloved, I knew this day would come before you were even born and I have been preparing the road I wish you to take”.  Well of course I ran through that door!

The next morning I was preparing for work at the ungodly hour of 8am (I know I am going to have to get used to it again) and God gave me the most beautiful gift.  A sunset colored with dark amber reds and light pinks, oranges that seemed to burst from atop the trees, covered by a dark sea of blue.  It was more than my camera could ever capture but try I did.

 

And as I played with my new camera in the morning light, I heard Him sing to me, “today is a new day my love, enjoy me!”  And I did!

Waiting or Moving on

That is the question…for most of my life right now.  I am once again at a crossroads of sort.  Another one of those paths God has taken me down.  Will the road continue this direction or does he have a sharp right or left in mind.  Part of me hopes that he plans on switching courses, I am not sure this is what I want to do the rest of my life.  Days like today when I am having to give up my life and what I want to serve Him makes me wonder.  Shouldn't it be willing and not such a struggle. 

The only thing I know for sure is that I love this ministry and I love serving God.  I am just tired.  Tired of the eternal conflict, the unknowns that are more constant than my daily bread, tired of not having a partner to lean on when the road gets rough.  Why does it always come back to that.  Is it really any easier with a partner or just more complicated…the grass is always greener right!  

I do know that I love Saint Child, saving babies and changing lives and I want to be a part of it.  But I am not sure living with these girls is what God has called me to.  I feel so selfish with my time, and am constantly trying to hold onto who I am and it just doesn't fit!  Or does it and I just need to let go.  Ugh…I hate this place and it feels like I have been here a lot in the past two years.  Will ever be out of this place or is it constant in the walk with God!

A bright point …my picture of the day!

My beautiful niece…I miss her soo much!