Have you ever?

Have you ever looked at the creator and told Him, He isn’t enough?

I have and I lived to tell about it!  Not only did I live, but He wrapped His arms around me and whispered in my ear all the reasons He loves me.

Wow what a God we serve!

Here we go again

Those of you who have been around me long enough, are probably starting to see my patterns as well as I do.  I have a tendency to get excited about something, and then when it gets hard I decide to step away.

Yesterday, I was running headlong, towards the cliff God is asking me to jump off.  Last night, I sat down on the edge and stare into that dark chasm, unable to move. 

The darkness mocked me as fear and insecurities echoed off its walls. 

Hopelessness and despair overtook me as the canvas in the corner mocked me.

Then I chimed in with a serving of guilt, “how can I wallow in my pity and fear, when women and girls around the world are begging for hope.”

This morning Oswald Chamber’s words pierced my soul. “The agony we suffer is only the result of the deliberate shallowness of our own heart. We won’t believe; we won’t let go by severing the line that secures the boat to the shore— we prefer to worry.” (read the rest Here)

Why can’t I just jump?

What keeps you from jumping off that cliff?

Walking off the cliff

On Saturday, Shane Claiborne said something that is still echoing in my heart. 

People tend to respond to injustice by saying "If God is so good why doesn't He do something about it." 

"He did, He made you" Shane responded

Since then, I can feel myself running headlong into the dark, trying to keep up with Jesus. 

Unfinished paintings haunt my dreams. 

Stories beg to be told.

I have a passion to use my gifts and improve them for His glory.

Over the weekend, I met artists who are using their craft to fight the tragedies...

I feel useless, but that is what gives me power.

Self confidence wains, but I KNOW that God will make it happen.

So I cling to two truths:

I am useless, without the Spirit of God

And I can only take one step at a time.

One Thread

Most days, when my eyes open up enough to see the horrors of this world, I quickly avert my eyes.  The anger and hopelessness wells up inside of me and I stuff it down.  I choose to eat and ignore the cry of my heart to help the enslaved, the orphaned and the widowed.  But I am trying to change.  I am asking God to help me with the emotions instead of trying to eat them away. 

And He answered.

My heart cried at the autocracies that afflict His people.  I voiced my despair and hopelessness and that I was just one voice...

As I let these emotions out I realized that God is calling all of us to do our small part.  The evils that are ever present in this world are too big for any of us to deal with.  But not for the people of God to rise up together and do our small part.  It doesn't matter what your passion is, it helps to battle against slavery.

If you have a heart for Orphans in Africa and you sponsor a child, that is one more family that can keep from selling a child just to feed the other 8.

If you minister to Satvanna in India; you are praying for, providing for, loving children who have been rescued from Brothels or even a life of forced labor.

Maybe your heart is for the homeless.  As you take the time to let them know they are seen you may be speaking to a child who has been trafficked.

Or maybe it is your voice could that keeps that young girl from reaching out to strangers on the internet, or wondering off with the cute guy on the bus.

The most encouraging thing I walked away from the Justice Conference with was this reality.  Love is a thread and we all have one that needs to be woven into the fabric of Justice.

Do you struggle with self-doubt like I do?  Is God asking you to look and it seems too overwhelming?  Join me in this battle and we WILL win.

Echo, Echo, Echo

Overwhelmed

Burdened

Panicked

Hopeless

Terrified

Disgusted

Heartbroken

Fearful

Oh did I mention, overwhelmed

As I ponder human trafficking, and my role in the battle, these words torment my soul.

"one minute, two children"

“Lord what can I possibly do?”

Use your voice…Write

 
“Write what?”  I plead

An echo, laced in fear and terror, resonates through my tortured heart.

One minute, two children.

Will you pray with me?

Today has been one of those days. 

I had a great run yesterday morning and again today.  As I got to work my mind decided I was going to be hungry all day. Truth be told I was hungrier yesterday than I have been today. But all morning, my mind has gone over and over ways to get extra food.  I even planned on going to Fred Meyers at lunch to get something additional (unhealthy of course), as I always do when this fear overwhelms me.

But as I warmed up my lunch the Spirit finally got through!

'Wait, I'm not hungry?'

I was hungry, ready for lunch of course.  But I was not ravenous. 

Then it dawned on me; I'm not afraid of going hungry, I just hate the feeling of being hungry.

Do I hear you say “but it is the same thing”?  Not for me it isn’t.  I remember what that hollow emptiness feels like as you try to make it through class in the afternoon.  I remember trying to go to sleep as hunger gnawed at my insides. Oh yes, I remember what that hollow pit, and I will do anything to avoid it.

So I overeat.

I ALWAYS have food on me.  I

It overwhelms me if I don’t.  This fear, gnawing at my insides.  Anything is better than that hollow pain…right?

This chain of fear is wrapped around my throat cutting off all oxygen and sanity.  Yet I am choosing to believe that I can overcome this fear as long as I have Him.  So instead of racing to Freddie's I am on my knees, begging the Spirit to fill this void and let this fear haunt me no more.

  Will you pray with me?

My Deepest Fear

Yesterday, I was driving a friends truck to run an errand at lunch.  As I distractedly pulled out of my parking space, I came head to head with another car and had to slam on my brakes.  Luckily avoided a small fender bender and started back to work.  However,  I realized I was quite timid when trying to pull into traffic.  So I started to ponder fear in my life and how I react to it.  More specifically how often does fear keep from doing something I love or have been called to do?

If I am being honest, fear holds me back more than I ever want to admit.  Even as a small child I was motivated by fear.  I was a 'good kid’ merely because having someone yell at me terrified me to the point of tears.  Later in my marriage I wasn’t afraid of what my husband would do, but of the unknown possibilities if I left.  As a police officer, I would hide in my car on slow nights for fear if I could handle the situation or not.  Even when I came to Christ nothing changed, shouldn’t it have.  After all a spirit of fear is not from God and I am now a child of His.

Oh how I wish it was that simple.

Truth be told, I wrestle more with fear now than in the past.  The bright side of this struggle is that the fear no longer Lords over me because I do wrestle with it.  I look at it, acknowledge it and try to release it to God.  The fears same fears haunt me on a daily basis.  One wrong move and BAM I am staring my old friend in the face again. 

Every day I fear what I do is not enough for the Grace I have been given. 

I fear that I will say or do something that will cause someone to reject me. 

My biggest fear though, is such a simple one, but one I can't seem to release.  I fear that there won't be food for me to eat at my next meal and if I find something I like I will devour it.  Not because I am hungry or even to fill an emotional void.  Merely because I can and the thought of being hungry consumes me.

When I say consume, I mean consume.  There are days I can think of nothing else.  My stomach will hurt I am so full, yet I fear there may not be food next time, so I will have another serving.

I have made giant leaps against this foe.  For example, I no longer hoard food.  I choose to eat healthy more often than not.  However, fear grips my heart on a daily basis that I may feel even the slightest twinge of hunger.  The comfort of the known, leaves me at the end of my rope refusing to let go.  What if I let go and He doesn’t catch me.

The most frustrating part of where I am right now is I know that if I let go I will fall into his arms and drown in the grace and mercy of my Lord. 

I know I will emerge from the waters of His love stronger in my faith and more like Him than before.

But I don 't KNOW what that journey looks like.  So out of fear I cling to my misery…God help me.

What a mess I am...thankfully it is beautiful mess.

Is there a fear that you cling to regardless of how faithful He is?