Confession

They say that part of being forgiven for your sins is confession, first to God then to others.  I have a sin that for a long time I have confessed to God, poured my heart out and tried really hard to change.  And the consequences just get worse, and I am now at a point that I am beyond drowning in my debt. I have drowned and my only hope of survival is to cry out for help, swallow my pride and confess that I am a sinner.

Money is my God, it makes me feel safe, brings me comfort, happiness and peace.  It helps me to avoid all my other issues, like my emotional eating, and desire for approval.  I feel happy when it is near and I panic when it disappears.  I use it to make myself feel prettier, I try to buy peoples love with it (the silly thing is I don’t have to).  It makes me feel whole and complete and if I just had enough of it everything would be ok.  I wouldn’t long for a mate to hold me (I could just buy one right), I would have plenty of time to work out and be skinny, I could go wherever I wanted whenever I wanted and see all the people I love and miss.

But that is why God said you shall have no other god before Me.  Because no ‘god’ can fill that need or craving that we are trying to shove it in.  The truth is my worship of this god has brought me to this point.  I am unable to pay all my bills.  I am seeking help and almost to the point of bankruptcy.  How did I get here, by years of living above my needs, until God brought me to a realization of what I was doing.  And then it was too late.  He wants to strip me of my perfect credit score, my reliance on the $$ and bring me to a place where I have no choice but to rely on Him. 

I am there, I threw my hands up this week and I made the call.  We will see what He does with it and how it goes from here.  But I must lean into Him and trust that I will have consequences for my sin, but I am forgiven and I am a new creation in Christ.  Therefore, this sin, as any other sin, can be overcome.

The roller coaster rides again

This is truly an interesting journey I am on right now.  Definetly new ground that I have never been on.  Of course I am highly emotional but this feeling that something is pressing will not leave me.  I feel as if I CANNOT rest…even though He keeps reminding me that resting is exactly what I am to be doing.

It is amazing the things I have found to distract me and keep me busy.  An insatiable need to eat, the urge to buy everything new and decorate beyond my means, and the worst the spending time with long lost friends. (JK on the last one)  On Sunday after church I went to eat lunch with the crew at Taco Del Mar.  This is something that periodically I would take the girls to, for two reasons.  One I could hang out with my friends and two It would keep the girls entertained for about two hours!  But as I sat there, I felt myself getting antsy, like I had somewhere else to be.  But when I got home all I wanted to do was lay in bed.

I am not sure why I am recounting this, all I know is that I don’t know how I feel; and it is driving me NUTS!  I feel as if I am starving then, want to throw up once I eat.  My muscles ache for movement, but lack the energy to do anything.  Lets not even get onto my will power, it seems to have left me.  I was just talking to a friend about the constant up and down of my emotions and she asked if maybe there was something wrong with my hormones…I wish!  Unfortunately this has been the state of my emotions since I reached puberty.  If you are reading this and would like to pray for me, please pray that God helps me to find balance in my emotions, to enjoy His joy and happiness for more than a 24 hour period would be amazing!

My First Day

***I wrote the following this weekend but I was too lazy to hook into a land line to post it! :) ***

 

So here I sit, my first Saturday in my new place.  I have plans of course to go and see a movie, but those were made this morning.  I really have nothing I have to do and I am not sure how to handle it. 

All my life I have been about doing.  As long as I kept moving and kept busy it was all ok.  But I am now a new creation in Christ and I am much older, so I understand the value of rest.  Yet the tears behind this rest are new for me and I wonder what this stage of my life will bring.  What is God teaching me from this, is He always really teaching?

It was nice to lay in bed this morning and not feel that I have to get up.  No where to go and nothing to do, it is amazing how I crave these moments!  When I was younger, the thought of having nothing to do that day was a recipe for depression and feeling unloved.  However, today I sit in my chair and look out the window at the and feel the love of Christ as I stare at the beautiful view He has given me.

And I know I am wholly and completely loved!

I wrote the above yesterday and the day just got better.  There wasn’t one particular thing that stuck out, just the overwhelming feeling of being wholly and completely loved.  I have never experienced this before.  A closeness with God when things are good.  It is truly amazing!!

Déjà Vu

Last night was a surreal moment for me.  I lead a small group of single women from Westport in a book study.  Last night was on facing your fears, and face them we did.  One of the ladies broke down and was sharing from her heart.  The surreal moment was in the words that were coming from her mouth.  The cries of her heart had been the cries of mine just a few short years ago.  The desire to be with someone, and to have life under control. 

It is amazing as I get to know these women and how much all of us struggle with this desire for perfection.  Whether it be for the perfect man, or to appear perfect in our profession.  Where do we get this idea that we must be perfect.  The bible doesn’t call for perfection, nor does Christ call for us to do it all.  He created us to be in partnership with someone.  Yet the world tells us over and over and over and over what success looks like.

As I sat there last night, my heart breaking because I know her pain, I had no words for her.  Nothing to comfort her except the knowledge that I have been there, and praise for the heavenly Father that she is broken enough that He can begin to work!

Nearness

For years I have craved a relationship.  I have wanted a husband more than anything.  I always thought that this would fulfill me.  Thankfully God has been working on that part of me for a while now and I am finally to a point where I would like a husband and no I don’t want to be alone, but I know that He will not fulfill me or make me complete.  When talking to God about this subject I would always cry out to Him and ask why He couldn’t just be enough.  And I never got an answer, but I did have an interesting experience today.

Here in the Portland area I have a few friends who have found their current husbands, or possible to be husbands on EHarmony.  So with this new change in my life I have been praying to see if that is the route god wants me to take.  As I was walking today and talking to God about this I came to the realization that I just want to be with God right now.  All I want for this next month is to lean into the arms of the Father and rest in His warm embrace. 

This past year and a half I have been carried by Him but some how this is different.  I won’t be in His arms because I can not go it alone.  Instead I want to be in His arms just to feel the nearness of the King of Kings and to learn more about Him.  Cause in the end that is all that really matters.  I am sure in a month or so I will be ready to start dating, but now I am going to pursue the lover of my soul!

He is Good

It always amazes me how hard change is.  You think after so much change in my life it would get easier after a while.  The only thing that changes is the amount of control I take away from God before He gently pries it back out of my hands.  Each time I hold onto that control a little less time than the time before.  But trust me this isn’t my own strength or will.  It just seems God brings people into my life who I listen to more readily than I did before.

Like today, I called my friend Victoria and invited myself to her place for lunch.  I was just wanting to chat and hang out, I hadn’t seen her in weeks.  But the minute I walked in she began to pull the truth out of me and within minutes I was in a  puddle of tears.  It amazed me how easily she pegged how I was feeling.  Useless, as a woman who isn’t a wife and will no longer be in ministry.  Lonely that I am 34 and still longing for that mate to spend this life with.  Feeling lost in a role as a woman dependant on a truly trustworthy God.  As God used her to pull each brick out of my emotional wall, I felt the facade I had been living behind crumble.  I am a woman who desperately longs to be married.  Not for the reasons I used to, but merely for a partner, a man to tell me I am beautiful, and someone to share this journey with.  I truly don’t want my own children, and I sound selfish saying that.  But I would rather spend my life ministering to the children who are lost longing for someone to see them.  I just don’t want to do it alone.  So today was the first day I got on my knees and was real with God about my desire for a husband.  It is real, and it is not something I can pretend is merely a want.  It is a need and a desire that God has placed in me and I must trust Him to fulfill that need or take it away.  Until then, I must trust His plan for my life for He is ALWAYS good.

Why oh Why

I have just been down lately.  No particular reason, but lots of little reasons and niches for Satan to move into.  I am leaving a position that has consumed me for the past year and a half and has become my  heart.  I don’t know who I am outside of this house, what I like to do when not consumed by drama.  I may just sit and stare at the walls for weeks unaware and unable to move.  I am afraid I wont take advantage of the time God is giving me to grow closer to Him and just enjoy life for a while.  I sit in the waiting room watching the TV play its endless real hoping that who ever has the remote would just pick a channel.  Just one thought one direction would be nice.  Or would it. 

Then there is the issue of friendships between men and women.  One wrong word and it all dissolves and I seem to have lost the counsel of a good friend.  Why can you not express to someone how special they are without them taking it the wrong way, did he take it the wrong way or am I just being silly.  Who knows, communication has come to a standstill.  Truth be told I had a small crush on this man, but his friendship and the way he looks at things means more to me than a simple attraction.  If only we could just be upfront about it.  You don’t like me that way, cool, I still value your friendship, and seek the Godly counsel that you bring into my life.

Then there is all the chaos around me, new house parents, new girls, new rules, unbelievably dirty kitchen.  No wonder I am emotionally shut down.  What drives me the most insane about myself is the way I deal with it.  Instead of sitting down and writing or talking to God, I eat a bag full of cookies, or a bag of popcorn.  There is not food in particular that I crave, just not healthy and lots of it.  Then I feel disgusting for days as the work outs I put in do know good cause I sabotage myself at home.  But I refuse to give, I refuse to become a victim to my emotions.  So I will turn to God and beg of Him to remove this old pattern and replace it with new.  Help me to process these STUPID emotions He gave me and not eat my way into oblivion!

On a completely different note, here is a picture of the new house mom Cindy and my new friend Penny!

Penny is one of the highlights of my day!  It is so much fun having a dog in the house again!